Anatawa so Sou Sou Sou Part 2

After the disappointment of Buried Rooster Mound, we followed Pauline to the local onsen. When a departing elderly man politely informed us this probably wasn’t our destination, he gave us some confusion directions to the Visitor Centre which had been our goal. Between the three of us and over the span of ten minutes, we finally gathered his pointing and headed in the opposite direction.

The Cultural Heritage Centre wasn’t the prettiest building on the outside but it had a pretty comprehensive (if small) exhibit. Generally I avoid going to these centres when I travel because I feel they don’t offer many good photography moments. On the other hand, this one did a good job of explaining why Hiraizumi got chosen as a World Heritage Site (and not because of the 2011 earthquake, contrary to Pauline’s theory). There were quite a few pictures and accounts of the “Kyoto of the North” that was the brainchild of an overly optimistic buddhist clan called Fujiwara who thought they could create a centre of learning and the arts square in the middle of the warring states era. Apparently all that gold they found nearby and their reluctance to swear fealty to any of the neighbouring warlords isn’t the best combination for starting a pious Switzerland in terrain that’s easily traversed by armies.

Apparently the Minamoto invaders were so distraught over the ruination of the beautiful Pure Lands that they vowed to protect the city and try to keep its splendor alive. That the Heritage sites are two reconstructed gardens and two ruined ones gives a good idea over how concerned they really were.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

So happy!

The two workers at the front desk informed us (in basic Japanese that I could understand despite Pauline’s uncertainty) that the rear of the Cultural Heritage Centre had several interactive displays. Kait and Pauline dressed up in the bureaucratic robes of old timey Hiraizumi officials. Pauline dressed up as a boy because it’s better (obviously) and Kait fulfilled a lifelong dream of wearing a costume kimono. Then, they clambered inside an old carriage, tried a weird instrument that looked like an upside down circular pan flute and even attempted some weaving. I mostly stood on my blistered feet trying to forget how hungry I was.

By the time we finished at the Centre, Kait checked her watch just in time to start panicking about our schedule. The original plan was to take the scenic stroll along the walking path back to the station so we could grab some bicycles and head to the temple outside of town. However, the bike ride itself was about an hour to get there and we only had a little over two hours to see two major temples still in the main city. Thus, she charged us past the restaurants yet again as we headed to the furthest flung Chuuson-ji. We couldn’t cut this place out, however, as it was pretty much the only authentic still standing collection of buildings left from the ancient glory days.

And it was clearly the main attraction as tour buses lined the suddenly wide street and packs of people meandered up the wide flagged stone walkway. We debated where we should enter–whether through the old torii gate marked on the map or the very lovely manicured pathway winding its way up the hill and choked with visitors. We opted for the pathway mostly due to proximity and a fleeting hope that we could still see everything.

The path up to Chuuson-ji was very nice. Enormously tall Japanese cedars lined the route and blocked out the rusted town that surrounded it. Numerous small shrines and viewing areas branched off the side (as well as the main entrance we noted with chagrin). Despite the number of people, everything was orderly and clean. Even old stone roofing lay neatly and free of leaves in piles off the path. Kait paused at all the small shrines so she could pray–as she is want to do. And as we got to the temple complex proper, we found small covered stalls with enormous flowers (apparently chrysanthemums), manicured bonzai trees, and large shield shaped flower garlands. Apparently, we were on the tail end of a seasonal festival and though we missed the stall food, we could still enjoy everything submitted for the competitions.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.Unfortunately, we ran into the large Chinese tourist group and I had to fight to get some decent pictures of the newer temple buildings that weren’t swarming with strangers. We sort of meandered through the complex, looking for the fabled gilded hall. After a few false starts, we found a rather severe concrete structure selling tickets. We managed to parse that it was both a ticket office and museum. But we were on a schedule and skipped the museum to follow the picket fence to where the famous gilded hall lay.

Much to our disappoint, the great treasure of Hiraizumi–Konjiki-do–was housed in a very plain cement box of a structure. Many “No Photo” signs were hung about, irritating me to no end. This was one of the original 1100 structures and was a gold leafed mausoleum that housed the remains of the Fujiwara elders. We showed our tickets then slipped behind the wall of people ogling the travesty.

First, when I think hall, I picture a structure you could actually stand in. Granted, I’m probably much taller than the monks bobbing around in the twelfth century, but there would be no way I could enter this thing with a modicum of dignity. You’d have to shuffle around on your knees, careful to not bang your head on the golden tie beams and dent over a million dollars worth of damage. It’s also packed full of squat statues on a raised dais, presumably some sort of representation for the bodies I can only presume are all shoved Tetris-like beneath their feet.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.Oh, and all this is kept under poor lighting and behind an inch of glass. Needless to say, I couldn’t find a good angle to steal some photographs of the bashful golden dead though Kait bravely found a spot and took her first illicit photo! I’m so proud of her.

We filed out of the small cement box and moved to the sutra repository–a wood relic that has been stripped of any valuables but at least the logs are old! The old shrine that housed the mausoleum was open and we poked around inside its empty hall, marvelling at the weird stickers that have a habit of accumulating in Japanese temples and trying to appreciate the old paintings hanging on the walls while our fingers grew cold in the lengthening day.

By this time we’d resolved ourselves to just one more site, so we spent a little time poking around for the outdoor Noh stage and even taking a minute to whirlwind through the museum and its handful of random items.

We gave up on the walking path and booked it as fast as our sore, worn feet could to Moutsuu-ji. This was the site of one of the four gardens of Pure Land Hiraizumi and was one that was reconstructed. Though, I feel they used the term lightly. We arrived forty minutes before closing so the place was pretty empty when we entered. The sky was beginning to darken with the first hints of encroaching night. My batteries had died up at Chuuson-ji, so I spent the first while trying to find some that worked. Once again, the perks of Kait’s new camera ensured that we had lots of pictures of samey looking temples despite me being out of service.

Moutsuu-ji is only about a quarter of its original size. Little remains of its layout, with the main hall and two ancillary halls situated around the garden. I won’t confess to having any clue about the design or intentions of buddhist gardening, which is a simple confession to make since even Japanese scholars don’t fully understand what inspired Moutsuu-ji’s… unique design. The main feature of the grounds is a large, gangly pond with a tiny peninsula jutting up from its southern bank and about four rocks clustered in a small shoal on its left side. A few trees poke around its perimeter but judging how they burst from the old stone pathways, I doubt they were an original feature.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.Otherwise Moutsuu-ji is a collection of a dozen empty plots with white markers listing what once stood there. You really have to stretch your imagination to picture what the place was. It’s much like the first empty hall we visited. It’s basically Rome all over again. Whatever rich heritage was here has long given up to the earth and grass. However, unlike Rome, it’s clear that the inhabitants would have loved to keep their old buildings. The recurring story amongst the signs I could read told of careless fires or structures being destroyed during periods of conflict. Decade by decade, Hiraizumi was picked down to its barest bones. The one bright spot is that the Japanese are not adverse to reconstructions–and they usually adhere to traditional design and building methods when they do them. Perhaps, one day, Hiraizumi will arise like the phoenix from its muddy ashes but as it is now, you have to squint really hard to overlay the artistic renditions over the gaping spaces scattered about the town.

The peace and tranquility, however, inspired us to write our own haiku with each of us contributing a solitary line:

 

Ducking mosquitoes,

you need seven syllables,

overhead the clouds break.

 

I think it puts Basho to shame.

After completing our circuit of Moutsuu-ji, it was time to head back home. By now, having near nothing to eat, I was ravenous and tired. While the girls once again tried to sort tickets for our train (assisted by a very helpful young Japanese man who kindly took charge of speaking with the ticket office to figure out our lines), I snacked on what little food Kait had brought with us. I also nursed the small package of Halloween Smarties gifted by Pauline who only upon arriving in Japan realized how poor an idea of loading up a bunch of children with sugar would be. By the time we had our route sorted, night was fully upon us and we shivered at the train platform.

Pauline and Kait rudely sat on the old, pregnant disabled seats while I properly clutched at the handrail until we made our transfer in Ichinosaki. We boarded a tiny two car seat filled to the brim with high school students (don’t ask me what they were doing all Saturday in their uniforms because it was probably boring) but kept piping warm with the heaters right beneath our butts. We saw only one person in costume board and it was a young guy sporting a half decent Baron Samedi type outfit which we all tried to admire without staring.

Though the snacks had staved off my hungry, I was getting really grumpy by the time we rolled into Sendai. Unfortunately, Pauline was dead set on going to this fabulous little eatery in Izumi that she neglected to mention was a forty minute walk from the train station. As we prowled the dark streets, passing one restaurant after another and listening to Pauline prattle on about how Germany invented daylight saving time to save oil during World War II (they didn’t if you were considering fact checking), I was told repeatedly that the restaurant was “just a little farther.”

I could tell Kait was even getting annoyed when she started commenting on random noodle places as looking good. This is the girl who confessed to having survived on yaki-soba for her first two months. We finally came to an Indian restaurant completely empty of customers. The owner greeted us first in Japanese then in English. He was more than happy to serve us directly and mentioned how glad he was to see Pauline returning. Kait ended up taking a cowardly level three of spice in her order. I had to ask how spicy level five was and was told that it was Japanese hot. My expression must have said everything since he followed-up that they offer up to level fifteen off the menu. I don’t know why, but I elected to go with twelve.

I found mine rather mild so I can only imagine how plain Kait’s was. She was even emboldened enough to try my curry and, while hotter than she’d prefer, she said she would order hotter if we returned. All three of us got an enormous piece of naan to eat with our dishes (I had chicken) and, overall, it was both a filling and (relatively) tasty meal and also made me suspect that Pauline wasn’t vegetarian.

Once done, my feet were past protesting and nearing outright rebellion as we had to double back the entire distance to return home. Pauline filled that space with a story of Japan’s rice famine that required America to step in and force them to stop exporting all their rice so they could feed their own population (I couldn’t even narrow this down at all in the history books to figure out what she meant to describe). Kait and I walked in mostly silence. By the time we waved her goodbye and arrived back in Kait’s tiny apartment, I had enough energy to peel my stinky shoes off and pass out in bed.

My feet were going to really be suffering in the morning.

Pauline Pearl – Sou sou sou means shut up.

I Love You sou Shut Up Part 1

Hold the phone, people! I’ve got some exciting news! Kait and I made the most astounding, unexpected discovery.

We’ve found the Japanese Rome.

Let me take you on a journey. It all begins on October 31st, otherwise known as All Hallow’s Eve. For most, this day involves candlelit pumpkins, elaborate and often morbid costumes as well as copious amounts of sugar as though our society sorely needs a critical mass of Type 1 diabetes. There’s probably discussion of ghouls, goblins and the like. I had something far more terrifying.

I had an early six o’clock wake up.

You see, after Kait took me to see Yama-dera, reserved the fabled Loople Bus for Tuesday and planned a jaunt to Matsushima for the next weekend, we’d all but exhausted the delights and wonders of Miyagi-ken: Kait’s home prefecture. Thus, we were headed north to Iwate prefecture. This place may or may not ring any bells for it was the centre of the 9.0 scale earthquake of 2011 that devastated Japan. Needless to say, Iwate was the prefecture hardest hit, damaging nearly all the prefecture’s piers and fishing boats and inflicting more than three hundred yen worth of damage to the area’s primary industry: fishing.

To put any early concerns at ease, however, we were not planning on spending any time near the ocean. This little historical tidbit simply helps explain the numerous “flee tsunamis and rising waters” signs scattered throughout the city’s boundaries.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This trip to Hiraizumi was special for several reasons. For one, this was Kait’s first really planned trip. The sojourn out to Yama-dera was mostly her following a previous itinerary she did with several other ALTs. Secondly, we’d have to navigate the JR rail lines instead of relying on local trains and routes. Third, we were seeing a UNESCO World Heritage Site which are always a prime attraction for my travelling. Finally, we would not be travelling alone; Kait (after much apologizing) had invited the other ALT posted in Izumi-chuo along for the adventure.

So, even though we were at the subway in good time, Kait checked her phone to politely inform me that Pauline was running late. Oh, and we only had ten minutes to get to the station, buy our ticket and find the platform from where the train actually left.

Have I mentioned that none of us really speak Japanese? We most certainly do not read kanji. Furthermore, since we were leaving the prefecture, there weren’t many trains available for us to complete this day trip and we had a tight schedule for catching the last train back to Sendai and about twenty sites that Kait wanted to see in that incredibly narrow window.

So, of course the first thing we did when we got off the subway–which Pauline loudly talked on the entire trip down–was hustle over to Tourist Information and plead with them to help us find which ticket booth we needed to buy our ticket. Pauline and Kait then stared at the massive map and poked at buttons on the screen trying to decipher the kanji coded contraption while I read through a pamphlet of places to see in the area when we inevitably missed our ride and the whole adventure fell through.

The girls managed to procure our passes and we wandered the upper floor until Kait braved speaking to one of the employees who directed us to the gate we needed. We were almost running through the ticket stiles and up the platform steps to our train. Luckily, we made it with minutes to spare. We found our car and seats (as these were reserved tickets) and then marvelled as several old women kept poking their heads in to snap pictures of the train’s interior.

Well, at the very least we knew we were travelling with other tourists!

Apparently it’s a thing to photograph trains in Japan. You know how it is. Some travellers take shots of their shoes. Some have group shots of them jumping in the air. I’ve got Kait taking “selfies” without those sticks to hold up your camera because, damnit, we were doing this before it was cool! And most photograph the internationally famous sites. Well, I guess in Japan they like to record their trains. Maybe it is their way to prove that they were there without needing to put their faces in the frame. I can’t really think of any other explanation for the four or five people that piled out of our train in Hiraizumi to snap hasty pictures of the vehicle before it tried rolling away without people recording its bad side.

Of course, by the time we’d arrived in Hiraizumi, at least an hour had passed so the girls needed to use the bathroom. We slipped through the small station, accosted by smiling old Japanese handing out little plastic bags of goodies. Unfortunately, our Halloween fare wasn’t sugar candy but information pertaining to the various sites and history of the Pure Land of the North.

That may or may not be the official name. It’s probably going to be the one I use because I’m not too concerned about using a misnomer for a city that’s been dead for over five hundred years.

My first impression of Hiraizumi, I must confess, was rather positive. Though the aforementioned station was small, it was clean and had wide polished benches that were clearly a recent instalment. The square outside the station was surprisingly good looking. I’ve seen my fair share of small Japanese towns and you’re lucky if there’s anything more scenic than a great smear of asphalt when you first arrive. Hiraizumi, however, had a small cul-de-sac lined with clean cobblestones before the awnings of traditional Japanese architectural store fronts. A backdrop of pine crested hills rose at the end of an expansive main street shooting straight from the front doors like an arrow right into the heart of wild, untamed wilderness.

So while the clouds overhead were dark and the air crisp, I waited pleasantly outside as the two girls did their business. It was then that a large mass of foreigners passed me, following like dutiful lemmings a woman dressed in a neatly pressed uniform. It took all of seconds to gauge that this flock had landed from China. I thought this was a little odd. How many organized tours could there really be for northern Japan? I know if I had to take a bus tour, it wouldn’t be through Iwate prefecture. But these visitors piled into their massive tour bus and nearly ran over the girls as they emerged to poke around the small bike rental shop for directions and confirmation if we could take vehicles on the route clearly marked “walking path” on our maps.

Surprise! You can’t. However, we were given rough time estimates it would take to walk the main route of attractions in Hiraizumi and we’d certainly enough time to see them all and still be back for our four twenty departure. Yes, we had about five hours to take in an entire town’s worth of sites. What could possibly go wrong?

Kait and Pauline looked over the map and Kait designated the route we should take. Naturally, we all headed down the wrong street.

We didn’t know this at first, of course. We did start to get suspicious as we scampered over rail crossings into a rundown portion of town with shuttered stores, droopy workshops and the general air of decrepit misfortune. It’s starting to sound like Europe’s jolly boot already!

We doubled back and crossed a few streets to arrive at the first stop on our route (which coincidentally is the last stop on the shuttle bus). We stood before an empty field, looking over our map to ensure we were in the right place then looking around the field and wondering if maybe the site was behind the small copse of trees or not. Fortunately, we found a sign and shuffled up like ignorant little tourists to get further directions.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

So picturesque!

Turns out the muddy field was our destination. We looked at it again. We looked back at the sign. Sure enough, the World Heritage plaque was set proudly on the top. And the sign sported a lovely summer shot of our currently brown and dreary field. Course, since it is a UNESCO site, the information sign had an English section to explain why we should care about a handful of scraggly trees and drying puddle.

Apparently, we were proudly surveying the “remains” of the Buddha Hall in a historically famous temple grounds. The aforementioned hall was renown for the beauty of its surrounding park which contained a sacred garden pond (our mud puddle), a man-made island modelled after the Phoenix Hall in Kyoto (our bumpy hill) and raised earthworks that aligned with the sun and local mountain (our scraggly tree clump).

If you squint hard enough, you may even convince yourself that it’s not a glorified rice paddy!

Alright, at least Rome had some wonderful walls and foundation ruins to look at. I suppose that’s the perk of ancient construction favouring stone in Europe over the predominant wood structures of this Buddhist paradise. We took several more pictures now that we knew this brown patch of grass is important or something. We walked along the raised earthen walkway. We marvelled at how unmarvellous the trees were.

Then we turned around and immediately trudged up the street into wonderful constructions. Kait was dead set on seeing some monument at the top of a really long hill. Pauline got discouraged by the three dollar entrance fee so she opted to stay on the old bench across from the ticket booth manned by an old monk.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

Kait loves her men in strange boxes.

I kind of expected a bit more of the monument, especially after noticing the parking lot for tourist buses. There was a museum in the same sense that the top of Mt. Fuji has a shopping centre. A structure that would normally be used for an outhouse had some distressing statues and a few placards and the ubiquitous vending machines and nothing else. The monument was a mini shrine with a small board for writing wishes. I don’t even know what it was commemorating. Apparently some dead dude called Minamoto no Yoshitsune I think. Or something about family suicides. At least the view of the river valley was quaint. And there was another stone slab with Basho’s poetry written on it!

I think Kait mostly wanted a break from Pauline.

The first time I came to Japan, I reflected that the ALT position attracted certain types of people. Pauline seems like one of those individuals who falls into the “loves Japan perhaps a bit too much” camp. This can be tolerable even if said individual takes every opportunity to share every bit of information about Japan they’ve learned. It’s a little harder to swallow, however, when you can tell the person is just making shit up.

I feel the biggest issue with Pauline is that she’s just young. Hm, that’s perhaps a strong way to word things. Let’s rephrase. Pauline has a very obvious desire to impress others. This leads to her overemphasising her capabilities or her perceived capabilities. For example, Pauline is very quick to tell people that she’s studied Japanese in school and is very good at speaking it. She’ll then turn around and make declarations like “Anata-wa” means “I love you.”

For those not knowledgeable about Japanese, “anata-wa” literally means “you.” Like, that’s what you’d say (if you wanted to be polite) if you were going to make clear your statement was directed at the person to which you are talking. That’s it. This little detail would take all of five seconds to pick up and is a pretty basic grammar point that’s probably taught within the first few beginner Japanese classes.

Now, I have lived in Japan and can probably guess what Pauline meant to say. The Japanese language has a tendency to drop the subject of sentences if it’s clear so you don’t normally say “I will X,” “You should Y,” “We will Z.” You basically just say whatever it is the person is going to do. Direct translations would be in the realm of “Will study tonight.” So, it is being overly formal to use “You” in Japanese and, amongst people that are familiar with each other, it can have certain amiable connotations.

That said, Kait hears “anata-wa” in school all the time and we’re both pretty certain that her Japanese English Teacher isn’t professing his undying affection to her. I suppose it’s not impossible that he’s really hopeful Kait has a preference for older men, though.

So, while we explored the rather limited sidewalks of Hiraizumi, we were regaled with wonderful little “Pauline Pearls.” These ranged from bizarre history to descrptions of her friends in Calgary. Which, once again, wouldn’t be such a terrible offence if it wasn’t phrased in such a way to extol just how much better Pauline is than us rather maudlin peasant. Like, she will go to great lengths to describe her friend who is an Olympic speed walker while completely missing an innocent joke about how it doesn’t matter how big her thighs are since she can’t lift her feet to run after you. (“No, her legs are pretty big so she can run fast too!”).

At any rate, Kait unrolled her map and we trudged to the next marker. We had to scamper around even more construction, dodging cars as we ran from one side of the road to the other like tourist frogger. I’m not entirely sure what this stop was for, as the sign was in kanji and well beyond all our capabilities. There was a very red tree to which the girls were quick to photograph. Pauline had plotted our path while we visited the hilltop and she marched us across the railroad tracks to the thickest knot of restaurants.

But despite her clear intentions, Kait wasn’t having any of this lunch nonsense. “We’ll do it after we’ve seen the temples!” she declared, taking the lead again and force marching us around Hiraizumi’s hilly streets. We ended up looping around the back of the Golden Cockerel Mountain. I was excited for this one because it had a UNESCO designation.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

The summit of mighty Golden Cockerel Mountain!

Well, it turns out that Golden Cockerel Mountain is neither golden nor a mountain. It isn’t even a shrine, despite the svastika symbol. It’s mostly a dirt trail that climbs up a short but steep incline into a forested hilltop. It starts off promising with a bright vermilion torii gate (across the street from some weird blue honeycomb trailer park that doesn’t even have trailers) and a paved leaf littered trail that snakes around a small shrine for two moss covered statuettes. But it quickly leads to empty meadows and disappointment. The view from the top is too tree-lined to give you a scenic vantage point and the only thing of note we could find was a small stone “house” even less remarkable than the entrance statues.

As it turns out, the mountain is most famous as being the alleged location of a buried golden cockerel and hen pair that was meant to protect ancient Hiraizumi from tragedy. Given the state of the modern town, I hazard there were probably better ways to spend that money. At the very least they could have locked the treasures behind some glass and charged ancient entrance fees from old timey tourists. As it stands, it’s going to be a hard sell to charge tickets to this venue.

So far it’s been Japan Rome: 3 and Us: 0.

The Importance of Being Ernst

So we had some technical difficulties and some unfortunate lockouts. I think it’s been cleared up now. Hopefully? I can post at least so here’s something to make up for the extraordinary silence.

*  *  *

Sam Smith’s airy opening title card for SPECTRE probably reveals more than the producers ever wanted to admit. His spectral voice warbles over “giving everything up,” “being here before,” and perhaps most importantly, “I’m suffocating.” Overlaying his breathless gasps we see an impossibly omnipresent black octopus extending its multitudinous dark tentacles to choke everything that appears on the screen.

Accessed from https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/c3/Spectre_poster.jpg/220px-Spectre_poster.jpg

SPECTRE and James Bond belongs to Eon Productions, Iam Fleming, Sam Mendes and such.

Eon, you are that octopus. And you’re killing me.

By now anyone that will see the new James Bond has already. Unfortunately, Japan was not blessed with a worldwide release so I’m late to the party. However, it awarded me an enviable advantage that everyone else had not. I was prepared, nay–braced for SPECTRE. I knew this was a sinking ship. This was more Quantum than Casino and with my expectations dragging on the floor–sticking behind with its many suction cups hoping to not have to face the monstrosity–I settled in my seat with a half and half bin of regular and caramel popcorn.

I’m not a popcorn person but I have to say, what few handfuls I wrestled from Kait’s grip was probably the highlight of the evening for me. I wouldn’t think that caramel on popcorn would be all that great–and truthfully, I couldn’t eat an entire bin of it–but that sweetness mixed with the salt of the other half was just divine.

Bond, by the way, does not balance its duality with such sublime perfection. It’s meandering. It’s insipid. More than anything, it’s just boring. It’s a failure on nearly every front with even the remarkable result of presenting Christoph Waltz in an unentertaining role. He tried, I think. Insofar as anyone seemed to try. But while I could tell the production was earnest about this Bond product, they seemed like the only ones. Every actor plastered on the screen looked bored. They sounded bored. And their lethargic struggles were matched with stifled yawns from the audience.

I’m sorry, dear Bond, but I’m afraid the writing’s on the wall.

I feel that Sam Mendes has proven his point. Bond is an ancient relic. He’s a dinosaur dragged up from a time long since left in the dust. He’s brushed off, given a clean suit and dapper haircut, then sent stumbling and flailing into a world where he wholly does not belong. And I can’t shake the feeling that the director and writers know this.

Skyfall and SPECTRE are very keen to point out that how we conceive of Bond is an unwieldy, inelegant, almost grotesque tool. Who knew that Judi Dench’s speech would be so important when she addressed the internal review committee over the appropriateness of MI6 and it’s antiquated tradition in face of progress and change. Unfortunately for M, Tennyson and Mendes, it seems that the strength of tradition does have its failings. Skyfall and SPECTRE are the old Imperialist trying desperately to maintain his relevance and, ultimately, failing to do so.

You’ve moved heaven and earth, Bond, but it’s time for us to pause and consider what you truly are.

And from your greatest supporters, it seems you are that which you most feared.

 

There is no point in dissecting SPECTRE. There isn’t a single part of it that works. The scene between Bond and Monica Bellucci continues the creepy predatory nature that Craig’s Bond has exhibited towards his sexual exploits. The explosion of the secret desert base–itself mired in the worst ridiculousness of the golden age of Bond’s silliness–utterly shatters any suspension of disbelief. There’s no spy work involved, just a haphazard breadcrumb trail which isn’t exciting or even internally consistent (Mr. White sends Bond to his daughter and puts her in direct danger when he could have simply sent Bond to the hotel and protected his daughter from SPECTRE finding her which was his whole motivation in the first place). Why are we even trying to add moral depth to this throw-away henchman in the first place when everyone else is presented so shallow? It’s so bad that the hilariously cliched and ludicrous re-introduction of Blofeld doesn’t even cause anyone to blink their eyes while Waltz makes cuckoo noises while explaining their familial past.

Which, by the way, are we to assume that Bond suffers amnesia for not recognizing the name and picture of the man that was his younger brother after his parents died or is Bond just that much of an asshole to not even try and remember the people that rescued him?

But, for me, the worst offence is the desperate attempts by the creative team to constantly try and remould MI6 into the common man versus the oppressiveness of bureaucracy and government. Wake up, Eon, Bond is the government. He is that long, secretive arm sheltered from public scrutiny and oversight. Your whole character and even Judi Dench’s entire argument was that MI6, Bond and the entire cast are the antithesis of what democracy is. So don’t try and patronize us with Fiennes’ hilarious championing of democracy all the while he peers over the shoulders of voters to undermine the casting of secret ballots. Seriously, an intelligence committee agrees to have a vote with people seated right behind them? Why bother with the screens and the “9 vs 1” and simply have a show of hands for all the point that anonymity was meant to be.

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It’s also rich that Fiennes is battling Andrew Scott’s Big Brother program giving the invasion of privacy that MI6 has utilized in the past.

I’m sorry, but no one is going to be sympathetic to the dismantling of a rather legally dubious covert operations branch. You want to know why Bourne resonates better with modern audiences, take a look at who the villain is. It’s American’s version of MI6 and the conclusion of that trilogy was with the protagonists dragging its masterminds before a public inquiry and holding them accountable for actions performed without democratic discretion. So spare me the moralistic bullshit. Bond has never been democratic and your best character (Judy Dench) adamantly argued against it.

But it’s as you’ve already said, Eon, MI6 is an antiquated relic of a bygone era. The Empire has crumbled. And in the times we face now, it’s all the more appropriate we draw the lens across the organizations, drag them out into the light and evaluate them on their merits and weaknesses.

And even the movies can’t justify their existence. But how could they?

If Bond is to survive, it’s going to have to change. That was the point of Casino Royale. It’s shocking how badly Eon Productions have completely missed their own point. The audiences were tired of all that old, goofy Bond baggage. We didn’t want stupid gadgets, ludicrous villains, two dimensional supports and outlandish patriotic chest pounding. Take a look at Casino Royale. Take a good, long look. What do you see? Bond is a psychopathic monster being wielded by an uncaring, hard hand interested solely in the mission. There’s no love in Royale’s MI6. But M is looking for results. She doesn’t care about those showy bomb-men. She wants the financiers of terrorism. Casino Royale is about trying to catch that white collar criminal. It’s weakest points were when it was coyly toying with those SPECTRE tentacles. It’s strengths were when a desperate banker was fending off a brutal African warlord looking for his money so he can continue his wars with countries the civilized world simply can’t be bothered with concern. It was an indictment of Western aloofness by peeling bare the weaknesses of our own perspective.

But when faced with its own shortcomings, the series turned back and fled into the open arms of its past. It enthusiastically clung to its traditions–the very traditions that ring so hollow and empty to an audience that holds no loyalty to outdated and harmful ideals.

It’s sad that after one of the strongest reboots for a franchise over fifty three years old, we need another reboot after just four movies. But you had your chance, Craig, and you’ve come up wanting.

Honestly, what I’d like to see is a complete remake of the whole franchise. Bond can’t be the star. There’s only so many ways we can dress up a tool that’s long become obsolete. At this point, we’re staring at a franchise whose entire identity is based on misogynistic imperialism. The efforts to update while still keeping to the core identity has been an exercise in futility. The Bond girls have never evolved into anything of value. Even in these more intensive character pieces which Craig’s Bonds have languished in, the supporting cast hasn’t been any more complex. The action beats are flat and undermine any point the movie tries to make about it’s covert branch that is anything but given the number of international incidents its titular character keeps cocking up.

So what’s my idea?

Retire Bond. I say this as a Bond fan who’s watched and owned (almost) all the movies. There’s nothing here anymore. It’s just a desperate man up to his neck still digging madly his hole. Retire and rebrand. Put the franchise through a transformation. Instead of relying solely on a character which has been thoroughly explored every imaginable direction, focus on the organization. Call this series MI6. Let’s have explorations of the other double O agents. Thus we don’t need to keep making ever sillier personal investments for a man that’s long past the point of believability. Elsewise, who will Bond have to face off in the next installment? His long lost child he didn’t even know he had (Oh God, I’m probably giving Eon ideas now).

Personally, I’d also like to have a greater examination of the issues we face today. Instead of trying to make MI6 the plucky underdog that has to struggle against its own government, let’s use it as a vehicle to explore those political ideals that we wish to criticize. Can you imagine how powerful a movie following an MI6 agent who has to heed the directives of an overly conservative or oppressive British parliament would be? It would raise some really interesting questions and lead to a more complex perspective of these secret agents who, theoretically, shouldn’t question their directives even if they didn’t agree with the goals of the ones issuing them.

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We can also start looking into more interesting conflicts than Bond vs Sunday morning cartoon villain of the week.

Taking into account these ideas, here’s my rough, short synopsis for what I would have done instead of SPECTRE:

Below the Thunders (or some other reference to Tennyson’s The Kraken)

The movie opens to a political rally in Britain where a young man is condemning the current government and it’s misguided and brutish policy to foreign threats. Fabricate some sort of conflict which makes parallels to bombing runs in the Middle East (but to avoid offence, make a fictitious location and conflict). While this activist is using his poetic speech about the dangers and futility of using war to end war, we can have breaks (with the speech still overlaid) to some dark, sandy corridors as Bond stalks the shadows in a black operations outfit. Flip between the two to make clear that Bond is performing a covert operation wherever this political speaker is discussing. As he reaches the climax of his speech, Bond can quietly and expertly take down guards and approach his target. While Bond sneaks up to his mark (possibly ignorant of his approach as he’s on some radio communications device), we can have the perspective of the rally shift to a person pushing aggressively towards the front of the mob. The politician can evoke a Franklin quote (“He who sacrifices freedom for security deserves neither and loses both.”) or the like. The stranger at the rally reveals himself to be a suicide bomber, instilling panic just as Bond creeps to point blank range on his target. The bomber throws off his coat and reaches for a button. Cut to a finger pulling a trigger and an impossible explosion firing from the gun’s barrel right into the title music video.

Bond would return from his mission, learning of the terror attack that killed the political activist. He’s called into a meeting with M and Blofeld who is revealed to be the Minister of Whatever. And yes, I’m not going to play coy with the audience, let those who know Blofeld make the immediate connection. We’re not playing him as a super villain here. M explains that Blofeld’s operatives suspect that a terrorist organization seeking a radical, free nation from India is behind the attack. More importantly, Blofeld’s intelligence suggests that these radicals are in the market for something called “red mercury” that has a greater potency than a nuclear warhead. Bond is sent to investigate. To assist him, he has a young spy (not double O classified) to assist him that’s been working the area. He also crosses paths with a woman that turns out to be working for the United Nations (or the Indian Government) to investigate the radical group and the dangers it and this red mercury poses. This woman can be obviously Muslim and condemn the actions of this minority as well as serve as essentially a Bond girl that doesn’t end up sleeping with the character.

Investigating the issue can turn up uncomfortable truths about Blofeld and Britain’s meddling in Indian affairs, perhaps leading all the way back to issues that arose from England’s Imperialistic days. From there, Bond learns information that Blofeld has been feeding members of the organization information to direct their attacks against political dissidents and members that threaten the current government’s directions. With increasing attacks on the European Union, it’s clear that Blofeld and his associates in supporting countries are hoping for tighter regulations over its populace that will better enable them to maintain political hegemony within their elected seats. Bond, being the dutiful agent, seeks to hide this information from the UN as it would be a huge diplomatic issue for Britain and the allies implicated. His younger agent colleague, however, is more idealistic and would rather expose the “crimes” committed by the government.

When the young agent realizes that Bond is going to take out the leadership of this fringe group and destroy the evidence, he confronts him that he’s only repeating the same crimes that allowed this group to arise in the first place. Bond, sensing that this agent is going to defect, attempts to eliminate him. The agent escapes and intercepts the “red mercury” they’ve been tracking. As Bond gives chase, the agent declares that he’ll get the truth out no matter the cost. Can have the explodapolooza showdown in the radical’s base (and have the primary characters all collected there for whatever reasons). Bond works with the UN girl for the operation but during its execution gets separated from her as he confronts the rogue agent. Can have some speech as he tries to detonate the red mercury in defiance. There is no explosion, however, and Bond executes him for being a traitor. He takes the information from his body. As the girl arrives, she can remark about the seeming miracle that the red mercury didn’t work. Bond will say that it did and hand the information to the girl. She’ll ask what it is and he’ll simply say that she didn’t get it from him.

The conclusion can be a discussion between M and Bond and explain how red mercury was an old war trick used to make enemy spies run in circles over a fictitious substance. Blofeld, not being a spy and the young agent too young to know those old tricks, were unaware that it wasn’t real and typically used to “smoke out” agents. M can admonish Bond not being able to stop the information from leaking even if both men seem unperturbed about the issues it’s now caused for their administration. As Bond is leaving, M can remind him that their job is to serve regardless of who is in power and they should be careful of their actions lest they make monsters of their masters. Bond can make some remark that everything they do is of course for Queen and country.

Like I said, this is rough and short. Eon, if you want something better and fleshed out, I’ll be more than happy to arrange a date to expand on things.

Boring Cry of the Cicada

Can I say what a difference a table makes? I must because I just did. Seriously, over this last week I’ve become somewhat of an expert on Kait’s eight by eight foot apartment. Before, she had me chained to a red bean bag chair before a white shelf that has been far too generously referring to as a work table for too long. After seeing the depressing photos when she first arrived, I’ve maintained that Kait had to purchase a proper table and chairs so her place didn’t exude such an impoverished atmosphere. She resisted, of course, partly from inertia and partly from thriftiness.

 

Well, now that we braved the lengthy journey to foreign Ikea and returned 10,000 yen lighter but with lots of cardboard boxes in tow, things have really improved. We shuffled around her kotatsu, spread her tiny living nook along the walls and now the place looks more like someone’s home and less like a vagrant picked the double locks on the door and was quietly squatting with the hopes of skirting the attention of her neighbours.

 

There’s still the issue of the low hanging light swinging square in the widest space reserved for our optimistic exercising. Don’t know how we’ll overcome this obstacle without ruining our tentative feng shui and we might have to settle with a few bruised scalps and battered hands. Now we just need to do something about these spartan walls.

 

Anyway, up until October 26th, the aforementioned trip to the world’s most ubiquitous cheap furniture warehouse was the most I’d seen of Japan. Hardly what one would consider a good use of a twenty hour flight around the world. That all changed, however, as we boarded the train and took the rails an hour and a half out of Sendai. The concrete jungle brushed away to pine covered mountains and wide gorges with tiny rivers for tongues. Though what the Ouu Mountains lack in grandiose majesty, they make up for with cresting tranquility. These aren’t the Rockies but they’re a pleasant break from steel and asphalt. For most of the trip, they basically appear like a long line of mother nature’s traffic cones set up for a giant’s driving test. But there’s rocks and trees and trees and rocks so it spoke to my and Kait’s inner Canadian.

 

We deboarded the train before our target at Omoshiroyama Kougen station. You might know it by it’s other name–Middle of Bloody Nowhere. It’s an unmanned station with a single side platform and a perpetually locked booth which makes me wonder how someone boards at this spot. But then I remember that there’s nothing here so no one would be trying to board in the first place.

 

These photos are mine. Do not take. Do not say they aren't. We, however, were on the hunt for adventure and Kait had heard from some anonymous source of a fabled hiking path that led up to Yamadera from this location. We operated on the false pretence that it was an hour hike which, in my mind, meant it would only take forty-five minutes tops even with our predilection for photography because whenever I hear time estimates it’s usually accounting for the gait of little old ladies. We began our day early, though (Kait had to pay a bill at the post office at nine o’clock so naturally we were both up at six). So we had plenty of time to wander cluelessly behind the handful of Japanese who got off the surprisingly busy train that was making the cross through no man’s territory. We immediately had our cameras in hand since, once passing through the five minute tunnel boring straight through the mountain, we emerged into a valley that actually showed signs of autumn. Unlike the forests leading up there, the area around Omoshiroyama was on fire with the oranges, reds and yellows of dying leaves. More than that, the ravine which would be our hiking course was about thirty feet from where we disembarked.

 

Needless to say, it wasn’t long before we were descending into the ravine and snapping away with all the wild abandon of two dweebs lost in the wilderness. The scenic beauty of the ravine wasn’t lost on us and we had to pause nearly every ten steps to take a new picture. It helped that our trail was hardly a foot wide meandering path cut right into the rock face that escorted the river and crossing it at breathtaking sections with old, rickety bridges. The bubbling of the brook, the crash of a dozen small waterfalls and the rustle of the leaves was the symphony that accompanied our walk.

 

This was the Momijigawa Keikoku hiking trail and it was easy to feel that we’d struck gold off the beaten path of the standard Japanese sightseeing docket. There were few others that came with cameras and tripods in hand to explore the moistened rock faces with us. Most were the elderly who braved about thirty minutes into the ravine before turning back and shuffling to the lonely station. This was fortuitous since the few times we found people coming along the route in the opposite direction we had to climb off the trail and stand amongst the rocks in the river until they passed as there was no space to comfortably meet anyone on the trail itself.

 

Kait loved the the curious furrows the river cut in the valley’s floor. I appreciated the appropriately named Japanese Maple River Ravine’s tree fenced cliff sides and the moss covered stones. Seriously, we probably have a thousand photos of the ravine alone between the two of us. This was even after we’d all but given up on taking pictures after only clearing half the valley. Course, the final stretch had us hunched over and crawling nearly on hands and knees through a concrete hole while a train rattled above us. That hardly makes for fantastic memories.

 

Once we reached the end, we’d also learned why so many people had turned back instead of pressing to the end of the trail. There was nothing that connected the hiking path to civilization save for a single lane twisting road that wove through the mountain range. A quick look at the sign suggested we were 80 minutes from Yamadera itself though this was likely an estimate made for people with motorized vehicles. We started our trek still operating under the naive assumption that the trail itself was an hour from Yamadera and we had somehow spent far longer than normal in the ravine itself.

 

And when I mention that the road was narrow, it was no exaggeration. Whenever a car came puttering around a winding bend we had to jump off the road to make room for them to get across. This is made even more telling when one realizes that the average Japanese vehicle is half the size of an American one. I felt nervous that we were breaking some sort of highway traffic law until a bicycle came meandering along the road.

 

These photos are mine. Do not take. Do not say they aren't.The road was pleasant for a road, I suppose. It wasn’t as good as the hiking trail but it still offered some nice views of the mountains though you had to ignore the rattle of the train as it passed beyond the trees. We dragged ourselves into Yamadera proper, near collapsing on some stones at the start of the thousand step climb to the famous temple itself.

 

Some quick background: Yamadera–Mountain Temple–is actually the common name for a sprawling temple complex that includes the important temple of Risshaku-ji. It was founded in 860 AD (because everything outside of North America is ridiculously old) when the priest Ennin returned from China and brought the principles of Buddhism with him. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the first priest to do so and in order to distinguish himself from all his peers in Kyoto he decided to build his house on the distant northern mountain Hiei at the edge of Bloody Nowhere. Naturally, no one came to visit.

 

It wasn’t until the famous haiku poet Bashou stumbled across the place on his spite vacation from civilization that it returned to the map. For those that don’t know, haiku poetry was created when the poets of Edo Japan decided to hold a brevity contest because epic ballads are so 500 BC and these are the 1600s, damnit! Get with the times! We’re also growing our hair long! You wouldn’t like our music either!

 

Bashou was so struck by the beauty of Yamadera that he spent his entire three line poem talking about the damn buzz of the cicadas. He could have talked about the buddhist carvings in the blanched stone face, the wide view of the valley from the top of the 1,000 steps, the peculiar beech wood structures that are rare among other temples or even the gold buddha statue in the main complex. But nope, let’s comment on the loudest, most obnoxious insect. Because, you know, it’s not like you can’t find the damn things all across Japan.

 

At any rate, everyone loved the man of few words and his poems of even fewer words so pilgrims flocked to Yamadera like Japanese tourists to an overly hyped historical monument. No doubt this led to the meandering construction of temples running up the trail. A thousand steps sounds like an impressive number too–it must since Skyrim used it!–but it really isn’t much of a climb. Certainly not enough to justify the weird walking sticks/wood measuring wheels they sell. And I have no idea what all the buildings are erected for since there certainly aren’t enough monks for those to be dormitories and mess halls. That said, the complex is pretty though it’s hardly forgiving for photography. While the steps are wide in the main complex itself, the path hugs the temple buildings themselves so that you can’t get a good angle on them. And as you climb higher, all you can see is their roofs from above. The observation platform isn’t much better since it was swarmed with huffing and puffing elderly Japanese people all congratulating themselves on not having heart attacks.

 

Seriously, there must have been some sort of nearby geriatrics convention to explain the bus loads of old people that descended on the site. Since Kait and I were pretty exhausted from our walk through the ravine followed by the walk to the sleepy town of Yamadera itself, we had very little energy to explore the temple. Plus, Kait had been there before so this was rather old hat. We snapped some pictures and enjoyed the views before backtracking to the temple’s proper entrance and rubbing a wooden buddha’s belly for good luck.

 

These photos are mine. Do not take. Do not say they aren't.We turned our backs on Yamadera and hobbled to the JR station. Kait bravely resisted the few ice cream vendors still open while we stumbled into the rail station. We checked the times for the train to Sendai and got disheartened when we realized we missed the train by six minutes and had an hour to wait for the next one. Kait opened her mouth to propose options for wasting our hour when the station master opened the window from his post and asked us if we were headed towards Sendai. We said we were and then he spoke in rapid fire Japanese. After getting nothing but blank blinks, he garbled out some decent English to explain that the train was running fourteen minutes late! An oddity in Japan but certainly one that did us benefit. We thanked him profusely, hurried through the door, got stumped by the ticket booth and then thanked him profusely again as he waved us to the platform.

 

Seriously, Kait doesn’t appreciate how much easier she has things with so much English around her. The only downside to us catching the 3:13 train was that we were caught on the same train that the high school students used to travel from Sendai’s outlying schools back to the city proper. At the very least we could communicate in horribly butchered French without worry that we would be too loud for the other passengers. Course, we had to trample some unfortunate Japanese kids to squeeze out of the packed car. Oh well, that’s what happens when all you brats crowd the doors!
With feet, legs and knees in full protest, we hobbled back to the apartment and properly crashed after eight full hours of walking and climbing. Overall, I’d consider it a successful day.

Lost World

Well, the one benefit of sixteen hour flights is that you get to spend a lot of time catching up on recent media you may have otherwise missed. I’m assuming I’m paying a premium in seat prices for access to summer blockbusters that I couldn’t be motivated to actually head to a cinema to view. I’m certainly not paying for the leg room!

And what greater movie opened this summer that I’ve been quiet about than Jurassic World? No, seriously, was there a bigger movie released this summer? I don’t follow releases and I don’t know what came out. I’m assuming there’s a Marvel movie or three. I know I put Ant-Man on my list of what to watch below Magic Mike XXL.

Thankfully, it seems Air Canada was determined to run a Jurassic Park marathon instead. Seeing in the list Jurassic World sent my heart a-flutter. Finally, I can watch that which I was never going to bother with and I wouldn’t have to spend anything extra! I could see what the fuss (or non-fuss was because, really, I heard no one talking about this one) was about.

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Jurassic World, thankfully, does not belong to me but Colin Trevorrow, Amblin Entertainment, Legendary Pictures and Universal Pictures.

So what were my thoughts? Well, it wasn’t completely awful. But it’s a far cry from good. It’s better than the other Jurassic Park sequels but that’s like praising a movie for having comparatively more eloquent writing than The Room. It shouldn’t really be a compliment that you can scratch together something more graceful than, “I don’t want to talk about my business. It’s too personal. So tell me about your sex life!”

By the way, if you haven’t seen Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, you really should. Go to one of those little indie theatres that has the special showings. It’s a treat. Spoooooooon!

Where was I? Right, Jurassic World. Let’s get down to brass tacks here. What did it do well? It’s pretty. Improvements and refinements to CGI continues to do these fantastical movies service. That said, I had the luxury of watching the original after it and, honestly, the dinosaurs aren’t that much worse in the original. No, the real improvement is in sound stage design. Granted, to overcome this, older director’s had to do more on location shooting. And there’s something archaically authentic of Jurassic Park’s vistas. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly. Perhaps it’s the cheap looking line of track running through actual overgrowth that adds something. Jurassic World appears more complete, however. And it’s zoo/theme park design is really top notch. The art director deserves some credit for really bringing to life and making quite believable this incredibly fantastical attraction.

There’s lots of money in dollying up Jurassic World; it’s a pity that the poor girl has no substance behind her. This brings us to the other thing that Jurassic World does better than it’s sequel predecessors. It follows the original’s release far more closely. This is both it’s strength when compared to, say, The Lost World but ultimately a weakness when compared to Jurassic Park itself. Because, let’s be honest, everything Jurassic World does, Jurassic Park does better.

The children are far more engaging in Jurassic Park. The narrative flow is far more gripping. There’s tension. There’s character complexity. There’s sharp plotting. It’s the sort of story that very clearly derived from a very strong base. I’ve read Michael Crichton’s novel and, truthfully, I’m uncertain whether I like the movie or book better. Somewhere along the line, the film found the essence of the novel and made some notable improvements with far less time to explore them. Specifically, I much prefer the film’s John Hammond and not solely due to Richard Attenborough’s phenomenal portrayal. I found the tragic change in his character as he realizes his life’s work an utter failure more compelling than the staunch and (albeit) rather silly end he reaches in the book.

That said, Jurassic Park is filled with excellent performances. No one can forget Jeff Goldblum’s smarmy chaostician. Sam Neill’s Grant is a wonderful ornery Indiana Jones. Wayne Knight’s slimy Nedry is as wonderfully unlike-able as you can get and Samuel L. Jackson’s Ray Arnold is lamentably underused.

Who does Jurassic World have? Chris Pratt is very obviously pushed as a hybrid Grant-Muldoon but never comes across as being as capable in either roles. While Muldoon essentially only gets eaten in Jurassic Park, the way he commands people in the control room during the crisis lends far greater gravitas than Pratt’s running around and eschewing direct orders. While Pratt may control his raptors like chickens, it feels like Muldoon had a far better understanding of the creatures. Bryce Dallas Howard has some fleeting moments as the under pressure operation’s manager but she drops this role to run around the jungle with Pratt trying to extol the virtues of modern feminism while completely failing in the bad-ass female role compared to her predecessor Laura Dern as Dr. Sattler. Whose left of the cast? Vincent D’onofrio, as security chief Hoskins, sucks up time putzing around the screen doing… something. He’s clearly meant to be some sort of villain but he doesn’t do anything. Even when his “special ops” (emphasis on special here) take over the control, it’s still Dearing’s staff that are doing any work. Outside of being obnoxious, he doesn’t add anything. The children are worse than Jurassic Park’s primary because they’re there to primary take up space. See, the children in Jurassic Park served a vital role in the personal story of Dr. Grant. This exact same character development is shifted onto Howard’s Aunt Dearing but there’s no establishment that Aunt Dearing is so detached from her family and this is a personal failing outside of a few throw-away lines. As such, there’s no real investment in those familial stakes. In fact, you never really get a sense that she’s not absolutely worried over her children solely because it’s just irresponsible for losing them in her park.

There was something about an imminent divorce but this–to me–came out of nowhere and went back there just as quickly to make it such an inconsequential moment in the brother’s lives. There was no story around them other than they were typical kids in a park that got lost.

Perhaps the only character that I liked in the film was B. D. Wong’s reprisal of Dr. Wu who at least had the decency to lampshade some of the nonsense surrounding the series and this movie in particular.

Now, let’s get to the bad. And yes, that entire rant on pointless characters wasn’t even addressing the movie’s flaws!

Accessed from https://halloweenlove.com/images/posts/jurassic-world-poster.jpgThe plot is awful. It’s the sort of plot that moves forward with its own inexplicable logic, requiring the poor decision making of its characters and throwing any sort of internal consistency out the window in order to succeed. Indomitus Rex, as a concept, is silly. The creators seemed rather aware of this and tried their hardest to explain this but the thing is just dumb. It’s really glaring too. Jurassic Park presents its dinosaurs as monsters and treats them like real animals. Jurassic World presents them as real animals but treats them like monsters.

What do I mean by this? Jurassic World goes through a lot of character dialogue establishing that the dinosaurs are just any other animal. Pretty much all of Pratt’s work speeches is spent demystifying them. He controls his velociraptors through standard behaviour imprinting and training. Indominus Rex’s motivations are framed as poor socialization through isolation and automatic feeding. And yet, the tail end of the movie revolves around Indominus killing just because and one hilariously stupid moment where the stupid animal squawks at a pack of raptors to convince them to its side (despite, you know, it already established that the pack was only working because Pratt had–since their birth–been socializing and raising them). But no, these animals just mystically decided to work with Indominus despite the creature being raised in isolation with no contact with any other creature (so how does it communicate with a different species of dinosaur in the first place?) and it only being several months old (even if this simplistic and inaccurate representation of pack mentality were true does anyone truly think that a pup would ever convince a pack that’s all older than it to follow it?).

And what the hell was up with the pterosaur rampage? These creatures are theorized to be fish eaters so they clearly had no reason to hunt the park goers (and their attempts to do so in the film demonstrate how ill-fitted their beaks are for such a task) and furthermore, what the hell even attracted them to the park in the first place when they were released from the aviary at the far northern end of the island? Why wouldn’t they just disperse all over the place?

Well, that’s because we need some really contrived moment where the park is attacked by animals but since we’ve spent so much time with Indominus in the middle of nowhere, we have no damn good explanation for it.

And this is the kicker. The rampage in Jurassic Park didn’t just sort of happen. There were a lot of culminating factors that built up to Grant, Sattler and children running through air ducts as raptors trying to eat them alive. Jurassic Park spends quite a chunk of time setting up its perfect storm of conditions for the entire enterprise to collapse. Nedry is disabling all the high-tech security so he can steal the embryos for a rival corporation. A massive tropical storm comes through to fully knock-out the hacked systems (which Nedry could theoretically plan around to maximize chances of him performing his corporate espionage without getting caught). The island itself is running on a skeleton screw: partly because it hasn’t opened yet and partly because nearly everyone was evacuated (whether because of the storm or because staff don’t actually stay on the park is never made clear). Thus, between human treachery, natural destruction and abandonment of resources, the first Jurassic Park fails.

Now look at Jurassic World. Indominus Rex escapes its pen because it has magical control over heat sensors (never explained but the assumption is a gene-wizard did it). Indominus Rex gets to rampage because Dearing not only issues that the containment squad solely try to restrain the creature instead of kill it (because it’s too costly an asset to lose, she claims, despite the cost a lawsuit should a single park goer get injured or killed from its escape grossly outweighs any production cost and the fact that they’d now have the embryo to re-clone anyway. Oddly, this is already mentioned in Jurassic Park when that one handler who gets injured or killed by the velociraptor in the opening scene costs Hammond and his investors over 20 million dollars). Then, instead of deploying all their security to now capture the creature that’s eluded the first containment squad (which we know since D’onofrio’s special ops come swooping in later and there’s a bunch of inept security running around during the pterosaur attack), Dearing simply enlists Pratt to wander into the jungle while the owner decides to fly a single helicopter with one mounted gun to try and shoot it down (and gets foiled by the aforementioned magical pterosaurs). I’ve mentioned the third attempt to stop the Indominus when the raptor hunting party magically turns against Pratt and the third containment squad sent after it.

And then, of course, the only thing that stops Indominus is an equally baffling and unexplained alliance between a Tyrannosaurs Rex, the last surviving member of the velociraptor squad and the water bound Mesasaur. All we needed was a really lame line like, “There’s always a bigger fish” to tie the whole package up in it’s indescribable camp and stupidity. And then the T-Rex and raptor basically respect head-nod each other out of the scene.

And here’s the frustrating thing: people will forgive these incredibly awful plot moments because “it’s a movie and you’re suppose to turn your brain off.” And yet, what made Jurassic Park so great was that you didn’t have to. Was it perfect? Of course not but it certainly wasn’t this stupid either.

And at the end of the day, we’re not looking for a re-master of Jurassic Park in the first place. It’s a fantastic movie that, if anyone wants to watch it, should just watch it and not go through the hassle of this crap. What Jurassic World should have done was tried to chart it’s own course instead of relying on the prior successes as a crutch. Especially when it can’t even use that crutch to keep it hobbling down its broken course. What would I have liked to see from Jurassic World? For it to tell it’s own story. Figure out what the hell you’re actually looking at. Jurassic Park isn’t coy about its themes. Every single scientist in the movie questions the ethics of returning to life a species that was extinct for the sole purpose to print tickets and sell merchandise. It posits that the value of life is more than how much you can charge someone to come and see it. The roar of T-Rex at the end isn’t a roar of some wild animal claiming it’s status as the apex predator. It’s the roar of life itself, reminding the viewer that artificial constraints can not bend or break it.

And the roar of Jurassic World is nothing more than a mew for attention.

Accessed from http://blogs-images.forbes.com/erikkain/files/2015/06/Jurassic-World-goat.jpg

Edit: Apparently, the Indominus’ original escape is somehow arranged by Wu and chief security officer Hoskins? At least there’s lampshading if the original complaint about it not making any sense still stands–considering if that was the case, why didn’t they open the door instead of relying upon the Indominus using it’s chameleon skills to lure a dopey security officer into the pen who is too slow to make it to the employee exit but fast enough to open the massive pen’s door?

This Is A Thing

So, I still do this. Honest. I’ve just been busy. Which is unfortunate because November is coming up and we all know how well that goes. Maybe because of my horrible neglect in October, I shall post in November. Maybe I’ll just post my rambling nonsense from NaNo. That sounds fun right?

Right?

 

II

 

I hate motels. They’re dingy pits filled with a perpetual smell of petroleum, ubiquitous and unidentifiable stains covering dated carpets and continental breakfasts solely composed of stale coffee and week old muffins. The only thing I ever like about them is they’re typically staffed by workers who are just as embarrassed about the place as the guests are.

The Dickie Bird Motel is such a place barring the staff.

The proprietor and, from what I could tell the sole worker, is a middle aged man who introduced himself as Emile Masson. Despite the name, I can’t get over his dark complexion and hair or his short stature. He has a splotchy beard and crinkly face that’s jovial but eerily out of place. He doesn’t speak with an accent, thankfully. And I am polite enough to not ask about his background.

“Around for another day are you?”

I blow on the lukewarm swill in my cup.

“Guess so.”

“Keep this up and I’d think you’d want to take up residence!”

He laughs at his own joke. I wrap up the half-eaten muffin.

“Seriously though, don’t get many people staying too long. Bit of a surprise is all, as most are just laying-over from the highway. Heading down south for those nice beaches. T’is a pity, I always say. We’ve got some perfectly fine surf here. But folks just want that sun, I suppose.”

“Guess so.”

My chair scrapes loudly as I stand and deposit the remains of my breakfast in the black garbage bag. Emile is moving about the tables, pretending to be cleaning. Hardly a speck of dirt on them as most guests have already packed up and moved on. Not that there’s any reason to hang around. The breakfast area is in the same foyer as Emile’s front desk and this motel is hardly sporting any pools or spas.

“I’ve got a few brochures of the area. Some fine old lighthouses dotted about. Get a few motorists that make a hobby of checking out historical places. Think we’ve got a few geocaches too if that’s your interest.”

He’s dead set on a conversation. My neck is still sore from his rock-hard pillows and lumpy mattress. The Dickie Bird is the only thing in the area with a decent recommendation online, however. Which worries me what the state of the Maryhill hotel would be.

“Not really here for sight-seeing.”

“Fishing is it? Didn’t think I noticed a canoe or anything on your car. A few rentals not too far out.”

“I’m actually looking for someone.”

Emile pauses in his housekeeping.

“Is that so?”

It’s clear he doesn’t know what to do with this information. I can hardly blame him. I get a lot of those blank stares.

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about Maryhill, would you?”

His mood sours instantly. I watch as he turns instinctively from the window, suddenly becoming preoccupied with a spot on the table.

“You came all this way for that place, huh?”

“Not specifically. Got some word they were headed this way. You ever heard of the Pitch Dark?”

Emile is visibly shaken. He folds up his cloth and makes his way to the counter.

“You sure you aren’t looking for some fishing?”

I don’t know why I press. Maybe I feel guilty for his sudden change in disposition. Maybe I am worried about his brief look of horror. I reach into my coat pocket and extract a small photograph. It’s worn, now. The edges are bent. I place it on the counter and slide it across.

“These are my cousins.” I look him hard in the face. “Been gone for a few years now. Just up and left one night. Took their children with them and didn’t say a word. I’m trying to find them.”

Emile tries to keep from the photograph. His conscience gets the better of him. He picks it up, turning on the side lamp to look at it clearer.

“Cute girls.”

“Eleven and seven at the time. That one’s Madison. The other’s Zoe.”

He looks at it for a time. I can’t read his expression but it’s clear he’s wrestling with something. I pinch the photo, gently removing it from his grasp.

“I just want to make sure they’re alright.”

He nods, blinking as I put the photograph back in my jacket pocket.

“And you think they’re here?”

“As I said, I got word they were headed this way.”

“I don’t know much about… Maryhill.” He chokes on the word as though it’s poison to his throat. “Don’t have any reason to be heading that way, myself. Not a lot of people go there. Oh, she’s seen better days, that’s for certain. But there’s an unpleasantness about her that puts visitors right off. Been like that ever since I’ve worked here.”

“What of the Pitch Dark?”

“What of it?”

“You don’t know anything about that?”

“Only what I got on the news,” Emile says, nodding towards the small television in the corner. “Wasn’t a pleasant business, overall. Most are happy to have it go away and be forgotten. We still get a few curiosity seekers come through. Poking around for it and all that. For the most part, though, it’s come and gone.”

I shake my head.

“You haven’t really said what it is.”

“I wouldn’t know!” Emile says quickly. He looks around, as though he expects some phantom audience to be listening in on the conversation. “I just… heard the gossip and whatnot. Honest.”

“What was the gossip.”

“Not good.”

I can tell when things are heading in circles. I rap an anxious knuckle on the counter before realizing my options are exhausted.

“Well, thank you very much.”

Maybe it’s my tone, but Emile calls as I’m pushing open the door.

“It was an unpleasant sort of business!” I look back at him, door still open to the grey skies. “It was no family establishment, that’s for certain. They held midnight performances only… of a peculiar sort. I remember some of the people who’d come for them. You can tell the type. Strangers they were, in more ways than one. Most didn’t stay here though. Don’t rightly know where they stayed. They’d come for their shows and then… who knows.”

“What kind of shows are we talking about? Everything online was vague.”

“They wouldn’t post something like the Pitch Dark online.” Emile shakes his head as though to dislodge something from his mind. “Unwholesome. Debauched. Exotic-like. As I said, nothing suitable for a good family.”

“And now it’s closed.”

“That’s a blessing, it is,” Emile says. “Not sure why. Police got involved after some anonymous tip. Launched an investigation and everything. Their press release was brief. Said they found things. Disturbing things. Didn’t go into detail and no one pressed. So it just sort of… blew on by.”

“You haven’t seen a Volkswagen by chance?”

“Seen a lot.”

“Recently?”

“I don’t keep a car registry, I’m afraid.”

“Thanks.”

I make sure to sound appreciative this time. His reply feels genuine.

“Be safe.”

The Dickie Bird is placed along the highway and it takes me a good two hours of meandering country road to get back to dreary Maryhill. It’s still muted and lifeless in the daylight with its disquieting residents shambling along the paths. I don’t have much of a direction this time. I drive by the theatre but have no energy to search it. One look and the exhaustion of last night’s visit hits me like a pile of bricks. But I’m not looking for decrepit ruins today.

I need to find that car.

I spend the better part of the morning driving up and down those few streets. I keep telling myself that I’ll happen upon it at any moment. When lunch comes around, I stop at the smallest store I’ve ever seen. The clerk is sullen as he sells me some plain bread and a few over-priced fruit. Grumbles about the lack of fish and I can’t help but notice he hasn’t bothered to update his signs to reflect the lack of stock.

I eat in the lot beneath the local church. The bright red roof gives some life to the wretched village. But it doesn’t bring any comfort. I watch the sea churn its thick, dark waves. A few boats blink amongst the crests, near drowned in the carpeting clouds stifling the horizon. I find my heart racing just thinking of those desolate souls tossing back and forth. My lunch lurches in my stomach.

Maybe a drive will help clear my mind.

I put Maryhill behind me, following the languid road through the scoured rocky seaside. Though the town proper falls away, there’s still far flung homes scattered amongst the scraggly grass. It might have looked serene on a sunny day but to me it’s all desolation. Gives the sense of a worn battlefield than quaint countryside. I can’t help but wonder how much blood has been put into the earth but a glance to the dark waters makes me think it’s all gone to a different end.

I don’t think much of the outcropping when it pops up from the ground as I mount the ridge. The thick stone is smoothed and worn from weathering and has the appearance of a broken and hunched giant’s back. Nothing grows across his pale sides as the stone behemoth appears to be dragging his tired body into the hungry waves breaking across his neck. I wonder if it’s a lookout and briefly consider searching for a route up.

It’s then I notice the shack.

It’s a small, grey wood structure like something that has been washed out to sea centuries ago and only recently been tossed back. Its windows are dark, the glass rippled like a pond disturbed by an unseen finger. A multitude of empty drying racks dot the plot, the bare wood all that’s left of a long dead carcass picked clean.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/frames-e.html?/html/t/turner/1/103turne.html

The Shipwreck by Joseph Mallord William Turner (1805).

But it’s not the traditional architecture that makes me swerve onto the narrow path running towards its fastened front door. There’s a Volkswagen parked beside it. A Volkswagen with a familiar dint above the back right wheel well.

I’m rubbing my eyes as I come to a stop mere feet from the fender. My headlights pool across the metal, glittering off the flecks of sea spray and early drizzle. I open my door in a daze, the wind slamming me inside my car as I shake the eerie grip of delusion from my mind.

I can hardly believe the letters stamped across the licence plate.

BAHC-353.

I near slip on the moistened rock underfoot as I stumble from my vehicle still thrumming with its live engine. I have to touch it. I have to reassure myself that my sight isn’t deceiving me.

The metal is biting cold beneath my fingers. My breath fogs the glass. I press my nose against the windows but there are no familiar faces peering  from the interior.

I turn towards the rundown shack. My fist rings against the wood. The door nearly buckles from my greeting.

Perhaps it is the ferocity of my announcement but there’s an immediate answer to my summons. The face that peels the door away is a withered and creased thing half-hidden beneath a beard so ferocious and ratty that it looks like something had hooked on the man’s face and perished. It is impossible to age the man beneath the sagging cowls of his upper-lids and the splotchy skin pulled taut across his wiry frame. He could be ancient, some relic even older than his home spat from the sea. Or he could be a handful of years my junior, aged well beyond recognition from toils demanded by the small dingy clattering along the pier out the back of his abode.

“Who are you?”

It is not much of a welcome but a befitting one for a stranger clutching his coat and staring as hard as he can at the native.

“This your house?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Is that your car?”

This makes the bearded man falter. His response is noticeably less assured. “Yes.”

“Where did you get it?”

“What’s it to you?”

I don’t know where the surge of adrenaline originates, but I grab the man fiercely by his frayed sweater and pull him from his stoop. His hands are upon mine, far stronger than I expect. We wrestle but briefly. My shoes slip upon the stones and sense is jostled harshly into my body as I bang against the unrelenting earth.

The man scrambles for some object to defend himself but his rusted hammer is no good against the weapon I wield.

He pauses as I hold the photograph aloft.

“Where are they!” I cry into the wind. The sea pulls hungrily at the photo. Water streaks my burning face but the ocean spray and mist refuse to reveal whether it is tears of rage or not. The fisherman lowers his tool.

“Get out before I call the cops!”

I stumble to my feet, my clothes heavy with the moisture they have stolen.

“Where are they!” I demand again.

The fisherman turns to his modest home but I stumble after him before he can shut the door.

“I’ll go to the police. I know they were here!”

He stands in his entryway, water dripping upon the naked boards.

“I don’t know nothing about them!”

“That’s their car!” I point, still reassuring myself that it rests in the driveway.

“I don’t know anything!”

“Where did you get their car? Were they here? Did you invite them in?”

“I don’t know nothing about no damn family!”

He turns, a flurry of emotion written across his face. He looks sternly in my eye. His hands ball into fists. And yet, the picture still shakes in my grip. He looks down on the faces as though transfixed by the frozen people trapped in their old frame.

My voice is hoarse as it struggles through my lips.

“Where are they?”

He holds one of his wizened hands over his eyes, rubbing something away. When last he looks at me, his face is drained. All that’s left is a crippling fatigue that sags his shoulders.

“I found it,” he whispers. The words are nearly lost in the wind. “I found it just up the ways. Headed into town. Just sitting on the side of the road there like a little gosling that lost her mother. Doors were all open. The light was like a beacon…”

He shakes his head again and waves towards the car.

“Not a sign of nobody, I swear.”

I shake my head. This makes no sense.

“Why didn’t you report it?”

“Have you seen this place?” the fisherman cries. “My hauls are empty. The sea’s been angry for years now. I haven’t… I have to eat. I have to eat! I can barely afford to keep my boat in repair. I thought… well maybe this was my time, you know. Old Maryhill’s supposed to bring about fortunes when the Lord is pleased and all. I figured maybe this was that sign. I swore if the owner ever came back, I’d be right as happy to return it. I would! But, well, no one ever came.”

I can’t tell if he’s lying or not. I look about his property though it’s not like I’m going to find an open grave with my cousins all piled inside. I look the photograph over, wiping off what rain I can before putting it safely back in my coat.

“I want to look at it.”

“Yes,” he says, nodding. “Of course.”

He takes only a moment, disappearing behind his door. He returns with keys jangling in hand. He motions towards the car but I hold out my palm. He looks at them reluctantly before passing them over.

I circle the car as I search for anything. I try opening the door but I don’t recognize all the keys on the chain. It takes a couple of tries before I get it unlocked.

The smell is the first thing to hit.

I don’t have a lot of memories of this vehicle. My familiarity has developed by pouring over old albums and photographs. But I’m certain I would have remembered the heavy stench of fish and rot that permeates it. I gulp what fresh air I can before climbing inside.

The interior is disgusting. Garbage piles on the passenger seats. Stains and grime stick upon every surface. I don’t want to touch anything. I poke through it anyway.

There’s little in the glove compartment that hints at any prior owner. There’s nothing of my cousins amongst the filth that litters the floor. Cigarette burns mar the dashboard but they never smoked. It wasn’t good for the kids. There isn’t even a CD in the tray.

Whatever was left of my cousins has been buried or removed by the slimy, greasy fingers of that man.

Yet another dead end.

I slam my fists against the wheel. The horn echoes the forlorn cry I cannot give.

No, I’m on the right track. I have to be. This is proof. This is what I’ve been looking for all these years. I pull myself from the car, breathing in the fresh air. I take out my phone, snapping a few shots of the vehicle. I make sure to angle my pictures to include the fisherman in them without him realizing.

“So there was nothing in the car?” I ask.

“No.”

He isn’t convincing.

“I want to see inside your home.”

“No way! Look, I’ve been plenty accommodating. But I really don’t know what happened to the last owners.”

I try to sneak a peek of his house as I hand back the keys and he locks himself inside. It’s not likely that he’d have something of theirs anyway.

I remember searching their home and noting much of the kids’ things were gone–as was the luggage. It is as though they packed up for an impromptu vacation. For this vehicle to be here, they had to have travelled a great ways with it packed to the brim. It’s simply not possible that he found the car without anything inside.

I make sure to take a shot of his house before climbing into my car. I’ll poke around the shops and see if I can’t find something of theirs. He probably pawned it and probably locally. He doesn’t seem the type to offload a bunch of stolen belongings without leaving a paper trail.

I’m giddy as I drive into Maryhill. Perhaps it’s the first time I actually face the village with a smile. It doesn’t last long. I’m across town in a few minutes before I even remember that I didn’t find any pawnshops in my prior searches. I stop in that sad little store where I bought lunch and get a confirmation. The closest one is a few days travel down the highway.

The wind is gathering more furor so I decide to call it early and head back to the Dickie Bird.

Preview – The Pitch Dark

I haven’t forgotten you. Though sometimes it feels like I have…

 

I

 

Five years of obsession and searching have brought me here. Five long years and I have a name at last. It’s not an answer but at least it’s a new question.

The Pitch Dark Theatre.

It’s not much to look at now. It’s one of those old, colonial types. Never really cared for architecture myself. That is more Therese’s thing. She loves old homes. Always going on about the Georgians, Gothic Revivals and Queen Annes. Yeah, this could be a Queen. Those are her favourite and this has vestiges of that gingerbready look. I have a feeling she wouldn’t be too fussed about this one, though.

It squats on the ridge like some fat vulture hungrily eyeing the street. Its long windows are boarded and shut to the crashing surf still audible despite the wind. Half the shutters have fallen off rusted hinges and the few that remain batter against the brick side. At one time it was probably fancy like a governor’s house or a hotel. It isn’t much now. The only sense of colour to represent its regal construction is in the blocky graffiti sprayed across its wall. But even that is sparse.

Few weeds sprout on a front lawn too dry to entertain grass for a spell. The barren ground is an oddity given the heavy clouds overhead. The smell of rot permeates the air and the boards sag underfoot. Paint peels and flakes but reveals nothing beneath other than more blighted black wood.

And then there is that damnable police tape snapping in the air. The edges are frayed. The words are faded. Someone put this up then couldn’t be bothered to return and take it down. It’s like the whole town has condemned the place, marked it off and quarantined it.

The message is clear: stay away.

But I can’t. There’s something about the name. I hold my phone before the facade, looking over what it once was. The Internet still has pictures of it back when Maryhill was proud of the monument. Bright cornerstones encased the red brick with inlaid terracotta panels and a large disposed set of windows with arched upper sashes and a gabled roof. Asymmetrical oriel windows pop from its otherwise flat side with impressive set ornamental frames that would have certainly been a big draw back in the day.

Now, they are more like pustulating blemishes bulging from the skin and ready to burst. Ornamental chimneys rise behind the single, oddly placed tower as though the roof has grown a row of crooked teeth. The whole front curves and buckles at irregular angles like the ground is trying to dislodge and pitch the entire misshapen thing into the sea.

And while it was bright and decorated in the photo, now it is all black. Thick, choking paint runs over everything, right down to the fish scale shingles so that a sense of form and depth is utterly lost amongst that unending nothingness.

I snap a photo anyway.

I take a look about the street before ducking beneath the tape. It is unnecessary but after five years of questionable searches and more than a few awkward conversations with local authorities, some habits are hard to shake. No one really walks by this old building though. I haven’t seen a single soul even look its way from the lower roads.

The wood groans as I pass. There’s no front door anymore. Pieces of scattered, broken wood are the only hints to the theatre’s final night. I enter the foyer without any resistance, picking a path amongst the construction half forgotten in the curved entrance. The hallways are open to me, all doorways eerily empty of their teeth. Wind whistles through the building’s vacated bones as litter and dirt spreads from the passing of rodents and birds.

I make my way forward. Despite the dirt, the only thing that stands out as peculiar is the walls. They’re covered in wide streaks of bright white paint. It seems like someone had come through with ambitious intentions despite the animals ruining the effort. Lines stripe the ceiling too, as though to scrub the offending black wholly from existence. As I proceed deeper, however, the effort dwindles. Solitary lines are all that remain until I step into a central courtyard eerily untouched by this mysterious renovator.

It’s a strange design. Where should lie the heart of the house rests a cobbled square with a covered walkway that circles its perimeter. There’s a visible chill in the air as numerous passages lead to this small, open space. Looking up, I can see the persistent grey sky heavy with rain clouds too full to break. Silhouettes of the square chimneys feel like a penning fence, their throats long drained of any smoke.

Without the mad renovator’s touch, the effect of that black paint is heaviest here. It oozes from every post, brick and stone. Only the single shaft of light overhead can penetrate that gloom. The air is thick as though it carries twisting chains that wrap about my ankles and wrists. The windows overlooking the yard are just as dark and unnerving.

But nothing is worse than that stairwell.

It’s little more than a slit in the ground like a tear in the very earth. Darkness almost bubbles forth from its gaping cavity and there’s an oppressive silence that deafens my senses. Looking upon that hole I’m unable to shake a powerful sense of dread.

Naturally, I turn and poke amongst the side passages.

I don’t know how long I wander. Each room I step into is just like the last. It’s as though I’m witnessing the frozen battle between two eternal forces. Black and white paint hangs from every surface. Where expensive rugs and ornate furniture should be there is nothing but those naked walls clashing in their two tones. The borders and mouldings are lost amongst careless brush swipes. It’s impossible to say who is winning.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/art/t/turner/1/100turne.jpeg

Fishermen at Sea by Joseph Mallord William Turner (1796).

And no matter where I wander, I always emerge in that dreaded courtyard. Even as I attempt to navigate myself away from it, the curious twisting corridors and small, numerous blank rooms always end by disgorging me into that pit of darkness. There’s nothing here on the main floors. I can’t even say that the place has been ransacked. It’s almost as though there was nothing ever here.

The fifth time I enter the courtyard, I look up to the sky to see it darkening just like the house. A shudder runs down my spine as my eyes are inextricably drawn towards those hollow, descending steps. I haven’t checked the upper floors yet and by now I’m not certain I even want to explore them.

I convince myself that it would be too dangerous in a building this neglected without a flashlight. I poke amongst the corridors until I find the one that leads out. I don’t even bother hiding my sigh of relief as I duck beneath the police tape and hurry down the path to the street. I pause before the driver’s door to look at the Pitch Dark Theatre in the deepening twilight. It’s like a shadow now but of what I cannot say–just a dark smear across a dark sky.

I get into the car and drive, thankful for the shine of my headlights.

It feels like another wasted day. It feels like another dead end. Nothing to show for my work. Nothing to confirm these nagging doubts latched in the back of my mind. I was certain this would be it. Looking at the building felt like I finally caught my break.

The rest of Maryhill is unremarkable colonial nothingness. It’s a village forgotten by time. The small, squat homes are bleak and lifeless. The few inhabitants on the street huddle against the terrible wind rolling off the waters, clutching their torn plastic bags as they shuffle for the recluse of their small lives. It’s a dead town at the end of a very dead trail.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s time to give this up.

I’m turning the car towards the highway when something catches the corner of my eye. I slam the brakes and screech to a stop.

There, beneath the pale light of a local hotel is the worn, beaten Volkswagen with the telltale dent above its back right wheel well. I’m in shock as I fumble for my phone. I’m flicking between photo albums before I even realize I’m parked in the middle of the street. I signal and turn into the hotel’s parking lot, taking a space two down from the Volkswagen. I find a picture of the old car, parked beneath the cherry tree. It looks better then and not just because of the two girls sitting in its open trunk smiling for the camera. Their feet dangle over the licence plate but I can still make out enough of it.

BAHC-353.

I climb out, pausing just long enough to look up and down the street. Nobody wants to brave this weather this late in the evening. As I move around the car, I look towards the hotel entrance. All the windows are dark like most of Maryhill but a small, fluorescent Open sign flickers in the corner of the front glass.

I crouch by the back plate, wiping some of the mud away.

BAHC-353.

My heart is pounding. This is it. I look back at the hotel.

It’s a small place. Certainly less grandiose than the Pitch Dark Theatre. It’s covered in that quaint country white paint though the wind and sea salt has caused it to peel in places. The roof sags beneath its own dissolution. The curtains are frilled, stained and faded. Perhaps it would have been lovely back in the seventeen hundreds. Now it was much like the rest of the town–living well past its natural life.

I open the front door. The soft chime of bells ring overhead. The wind groans after me, causing small papers to flutter of a nearby stand. I slam the door shut, bending to pick up the mess I’ve inadvertently made. They are travel brochures though none of the pictures on them look like Maryhill. They’re all colourful villages filled with smiling people.

“Can I help you?”

The question is more accusatory than polite. A young girl sits behind an awkward counter blocking a half open door to the back rooms. An empty pot rests beside her, nothing in it except dry dirt and a wooden dowel to support the faded idea of a flower.

She’s a young thing, barely old enough to be working a counter and certainly not old enough to be working this late. Her eyes are cold and bored; it is the vacant stare reserved only for those in that obnoxious stage of teenhood where their minds possess the singular thought that they amongst all others know everything but can’t be bothered to share any of it.

“Busy day, eh?” I ask. It’s a lame attempt to liven the mood.

She’s duly unimpressed.

“Not here, no.”

“That your car out front?”

“I don’t have my licence yet.”

“It’s a guest’s then?”

“The hotel doesn’t have guests anymore.”

She keeps that dead stare and, though those empty eyes rest solely in a young thing’s face, I can’t help but shift beneath them. The floor creaks with my weight as I search for an unassuming route of enquiry.

“A co-worker’s then?”

She doesn’t reply.

“Look, I just want to talk to whoever drives that Volkswagen in your lot.”

She shakes her head, a few strands of dirty brown hair falling loose. She adjusts them before she speaks.

“There’s no car in the lot.”

I try not to grit my teeth.

“Yes, there is.”

“There isn’t.”

I look out the window. Even with the lacy curtains, I can still see the outline of the car sitting plain as day in front of the hotel. God damn kids.

“Look, it’s really important that I speak to the driver of that vehicle. So, either you tell me who it is or I’m going to knock on each of these doors until I find whoever brought it here.”

I wave my hand down the side hall where the guest rooms clearly lie. She shakes her head but says nothing more, looking down to the faded pages of a book behind the counter.

“Fine then!”

I turn but have only taken three steps before I hear that telltale thrum of an engine igniting. I look out the window to see the vehicle’s lights angling towards the street.

She doesn’t even look up as I wrench open the door and burst into the night.

I fumble my keys, half distracted watching the Volkswagen pull away. A light fog is rolling in from the sea and I’m just slamming the door as the first tendrils wrap about my car. The engine stutters several times.

Not now. Not today.

“Come on!”

But even as the car shakes to life, I know I’m already too late. The wheels squeal as I spin onto the road and tear down the street. I’m looking down every side lane as I pass but there’s nothing here now–only fog and darkness.

I circle Maryhill’s main road twice. It’s not that large. But there’s no sign of the Volkswagen. It’s like it wasn’t there at all. My stomach’s growling by the time I give up.

I have to pass the hotel on the way out of the village. I restrain myself from raising my finger. It’s not like she’d see it anyway.

Murder of Mages by Marshall Ryan Maresca

Book cover - borrowed from the internet.

Book cover – borrowed from the internet.

I confess, I bought five books before leaving for Japan. This is the fifth and final of my purchases. So what happened to the others? Well, apparently I forgot to do a write up about the first book – which was completely uninspiring so you didn’t miss anything. The second book was too terrible to admit I read. Books three and four were good – but belong to the Emperor’s Edge Series, which I am certain I have already commented on (and I might again when I finish the series). This brings us to book five.

After some terrible reads (books 1 & 2 of my 5 acquisitions), this was good. It was surprisingly good. The story at first glances seems to be a collection of tropes or clichés. Two inspectors disliked by their collegues, take on the devious criminal serial killer in a high-stakes game of cat and mouse. Or something like that. The world, presents as very Victorian with elements of Sherlock Holmes and there is magic.

Ok, now that I have completely turned you off the story, let me say – “Really, it is good.” It is well written and the strength comes from the characters. The two leads are Satrine Rainey and Minox Welling, Inspectors Third Class and newly made partners. In a twist, Satrine is the mother of two girls of teenage years. Her husband, a city Inspector, recently had an accident while on duty that has left him in a vegetative state. He cannot speak or move and needs constant care. Desperate to provide a living wage for her family and protect her daughters from the cruelty of the world Satrine manipulates her way into the position of Inspector with the city’s constabulary. She may not have a background in police work, but she is far from incapable. Trained to be an Intelligence Agent for the country, Satrine has skills. She is also smart, assertive, but not without faults. She is a strong female character.

P1050488Welling is the mage – an open secret in his family and at work. He is a thinker and pieces together information to create a whole and logical picture. He is smart, flawed, and not an orphan. He comes from a very large family all of whom serve the city in some fashion – most with the constabulary.

The third most important character is the villain. He is drive, delusional, dedicated and precise. His descent into madness or at least into murder is well explained and understandable. It make sense – and that is crucial when it comes to creating a strong plot. There is enough conflict from the rest of the caste to showcase the flaws in the characters. But it is not one sided. Yes, the other inspectors don’t like Satrine – the first female inspector. They certainly like her less when her duplicity is brought to life. However, despite that, they respect her courage and determination. There is grudging respect given towards the end. It provides balance, keeping the story from being comic-bookish. There are no clear black and whites – except the murder, even understanding his motivations he is still very guilty.

P1050292The world seems to pull from classic Victorian fantasy. However it does so with grace and elegance. More specifically, it does what all Victorian Fantasy should do – the author has built their own world. Any discrepancies to history are neatly explained away as this is a different world. The world seems solid, but simple. It doesn’t have the depth of history (at least that sense of history) I felt when reading Death of a Necromancer by Martha Wells. However, the author has done a good job of creating a city that functions logically within it world. Maradaine seems like a real place.

The use of magic is my least favourite aspect. I don’t like the Circles, the cloistered private organizations all mages are supposed to belong to. I don’t like that magic is an inherent ability with one’s self. But since everything else was enjoyable to read I won’t complain to greatly on this one aspect.

A Murder of Mages is a great read. It is a solid plot, set in a detailed world with compelling characters. It has good pacing, rational progression and hits just the right note with the dialogue. I really enjoyed this book and look forward to reading Marshall Ryan Maresca’s next offering.

47 Blunders

Well, here’s a bit of an outdated movie review. However, while waiting for my family to arrive for dinner, I ended up watching 47 Ronin from 2013. I don’t recall hearing about this movie but I was more surprised to find out that it had such a low rotten tomatoes and metacritic rating. The movie wasn’t that bad.

And this is coming from me!

Seriously, I don’t know why this was received so poorly. Ok, it’s not the most brilliant piece of media to hit the screens. Also, I saw it for free with absolutely zero idea of what the hell it was. So, going in with no expectations and not spending a dime on it, I thought it was fine. It’s not perfect nor am I running out to buy the DVD but, I mean, Pixels has a 17% rating for crying out loud! Granted, I haven’t seen Pixels but then again I’d have to be an idiot to think Adam Sandler is ever going to make a movie worth seeing.

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47 Ronin belongs to Carl Rinsch, H2F Entertainment, Universal Studios and whatever other unlucky fools want to make a claim on it.

And 47 Ronin is watchable. Not sure if it’s worth seeing, mind you. But if you see it, it’s not totally horrible.

Let’s begin with what it did right. Visually, this movie is really well done. The costumes and set design are fantastic. It’s a visual feast first and foremost. Even more than that, the visuals are incredibly good at creating a setting. This isn’t just Japan we’re looking at but a fantastical feudal Japan if the stories of myth and legend had actually occurred. In this vein, it’s more akin to Lord of the Rings or Beowulf. It’s squarely in the fantastical genre and plays with those supernatural elements and makes them interesting.

I think what I liked most about its visual execution was that it truly immersed you in a different world. Too much of western fantasy is rooted in medieval Europe with all its tropes that it’s stolen from Lord of the Rings acting as crutches and short hands to push a mirror copy of dwarves and elves upon the audience. 47 Ronin, by its nature, can’t follow this route since it doesn’t have any of the cultural underpinnings of Lord of the Rings. It explores its witches and demons in a different direction and this breathes some wonderful fresh air into standard character archetypes like the witch. Rinko Kikuchi is positively spellbinding, bringing a crazed sort of elegance to her character that makes the transition between her actions on camera into the wispy CGI of her spells near seamless.

And talk about those vistas. In Lord of the Rings inspired panoramic shots, 47 Ronin conjures a mystical image of Japan where great statues of Buddha are carved in the faces of mountains along paths old and forgotten. Fallen giant Buddha heads house strange Tengu demons who are such a different reimagining of the folklore avian/human hybrids. Of course, there’s a fair amount of pulling on eastern kung fu tropes in the film and none of these fantasy epics wouldn’t be complete without visiting vast bamboo forests or Japanese castles. Expect plenty of cherry blossoms popping up regardless of the season.

Accessed from http://www.martincuff.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/47-Ronin-5.jpgI think, more than anything else, the amount of appreciation shown in a Hollywood production for another culture is what took me by surprise. The vast majority of the cast are Japanese actors, which makes sense for a movie that can only take place in Japan. The small details like the Tengu’s bird-like shows that someone on the production was doing research to evoke a sense of a mythical Japan. But this wasn’t just for some element of exploitative exoticism. The central conflict surrounding the Bushido discipline and adherence to honour as well as the feudal’s restrictions on class interactions played with those historic ideas both pulling on its idealisms while also raising elements of it as problematic. I felt the treatment allowed the viewer to enjoy the sense of another time and place while creating enough friction and undesirable elements to not sweep away the issues that it was glamorizing either. It’s a more balanced perspective than one I’d come to expect from outsiders, which is an unfortunate expectation that’s required when dealing with Hollywood.

Course, this is Hollywood still. Keanu Reeves is the Tom Cruise in Last Samurai problem. Granted, they try to play him up as half-Japanese, half-European in an attempt to have their incongruous cake and eat it too. It never stops being weird or shoehorned especially since he’s pushed as the primary love interest for Daimyo Asano’s daughter. It’s irksome that studios feel it necessary to insert some sort of European character under the pretence that western audiences won’t be able to sympathize or be engaged with the struggles of others. It’s either racist or condescending and neither perspective is encouraging. It’s not like they use his trumped up heritage to any great effect either since his major character struggle surrounds his class rather than his “demon blood.”

Granted, those Tengu sword moments are damn entertaining to watch.

So why did this movie flop so hard? On one hand, I can see it being considered somewhat slow. When compared to something like The Man with the Iron Fists, there’s certainly a more plodding tone taken here. I don’t think you could do 47 Ronin quite as over the top and, honestly, I felt the slow pace rather reflected classic movies in this genre like Seven Samurai.

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Course, this could be telling for why the movie didn’t do so well. This character is in one scene with one line and he has his own poster?!

On the other hand, I’m not certain if the base story really fit with the overall aesthetic. 47 Ronin is based on a historical event and the movie most certainly is not historical in any stretch of the imagination. I can see where people familiar with the story and events around it would be annoyed with the judicious amounts of artistic licencing on display. On the other hand, with how often this story has been retold and re-imagined, does it really matter how accurate of a portrayal it is? How can one criticize this production of 47 Ronin for being historically inaccurate but not criticize any other Chuushingura production. At some point, details are going to be altered, motivations and characters will be changed or dropped to better adapt history to the film or stage. No single piece of media will ever accurately address a historic event. Look at all the various movies covering World War II and how drastically they portray the events. There’s not really a lot of people up in arms when Inglorious Basterds or Captain America portray obviously fantastical characters or elements into these events.

I can’t help but feel that, had this story taken a more Lord of the Rings direction, it would have been better. Use mythology and historical events to inspire a story but divorce that story from people’s expectations so it can live on its own merits. If someone familiar with the 47 Ronin story sees this, all the deviations from the traditional mythos is more likely to be grating than interesting. But there’s nothing about the original story itself that couldn’t be lifted. It’s basically a story of conflict between a samurai’s duty to his lord and to the law. Political intrigue transcends stories and worlds. Tolkein’s Middle Earth was crafted from Nordic mythology and I feel that something comparable and trend setting could be made by using the same method but the rich cultural history of Japan.

Alternatively, we could just make an honest 47 Ronin movie as well. Cut Keanu, cut all the fantasy stuff and just do as best a movie as one can about the historical event (with the obvious expectation that some liberties will be necessary). I’d be happy with that too.

Meta the Meta

I enjoy competitive gaming. Perhaps to an odd degree. I’ve certainly listened to my fair share of “How can you enjoy watching people play games?” as though it’s a foreign concept in a time when FIFA, NBA, NHL and a whole slew of other acronyms are raking in billions of dollars from people watching others “just play a game.” I mean, there’s over $25 billion in revenue for 2014 just between the NFL, MLB and NBA alone. That’s silly. Sillier than me watching some people play Dota or Netrunner. Also, Dota and Netrunner have the benefit of not being dead boring to watch (for me, obviously).

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Netrunner belongs to Fantasy Flight, Wizards of the Coast and whoever else.

Anyway, long and the short of it, I enjoy watching people play these games that I enjoy playing myself. They’re a nice replacement for when I can’t play–whether I’m doing work, I’m not in the mood or I can’t get an opponent to play against. It also has the added bonus of improving my own play through observing those better than me and analyzing what makes their behaviour more successful than mine.

It’s one way that the Internet and technology are changing our lives in subtle ways. Way back when I was but a wee little lad and I was playing something like Magic: The Gathering, there wasn’t really an online community dedicated to creating the best decks and quibbling over the finer points of the game’s minutia in order to determine which cards are the best or which strategy is the most prominent. Or, maybe there was and the simple fact that modem Internet chewed up the phone line and was necessarily limited in use prevented me from knowing of these communities.

There’s a bit of nostalgia in how hopelessly naive my friends and I were in that time. We didn’t really have any idea of what we were doing when we created our decks. I know I just put my favourite cards together and hoped for the best. I remember my mind being blown when one of my friends explained basic concepts like land distribution and the ratios that one should have when creating their deck. Now, I see Jeremy’s nephews and they have these combo decks in their hot little hands that would have never occurred to me back in that day.

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Dota 2 belongs to Valve and Icefrog and whoever.

And I’m not buying that they didn’t have some help in creating them whether that was online research or purchasing pre-built decks from the distributors. That said, my friends and I didn’t need really strong decks. Our opponents were each other. Losing a game carried no stakes and if we wanted another round, we’d just annoy our partner to play again.

When you add a competitive environment like a tournament to the mix, it’s only natural to expect things to change. I’m not really a tournament player–I don’t have the time or inclination to practice for such things–but watching them can be fun, as I’ve mentioned. One of the more interesting elements of tournament play is the discussion that rises around them. People debate why their favourites lost or why certain players are doing better than others. Often times this focuses on elements of the game: for deck builders it’s a discussion over the colour or faction they chose and for Dota it’s the heroes which were picked and banned. This naturally drifts the focus of the discussion away from individual decision making and plays and more on the elements of the game itself. Did Secret lose because they picked underpowered heroes? Why don’t we see more Criminal IDs being played in tournaments?

Everyone, of course, has an opinion. Whether these are good or accurate opinions are another matter. Perhaps one of my guilty pleasures is reading people desperately try and explain the current Dota 2 draft environment. It’s really fascinating to find all these individuals who are 100% certain the reasons for why teams generally drift to a consistent pool of about 20 or so heroes. Invariably, these reasons always break down into “This hero is overpowered and this one is underpowered.” Then, of course, the pool will change over the next two months and even if there wasn’t a balance patch people are right in there explaining away why the previous top picks aren’t good anymore and clearly the new top picks have been so strong all along.

There’s a game about the game, essentially. It’s a metagame. And, while entertaining, it’s kind of useless.

Alright, that’s not accurate. It’s a potential pitfall that can lead to groupthink and dominating philosophies based on spurious foundations. With games as complex as Dota 2 or Netrunner, you’re going to have imbalances in design. It’s inevitable. However, I find that people tend to over-exaggerate these differences. Something that is slightly more effective quickly becomes “OMG Valve, nerf this filthy shit!” Something that isn’t performing as well as it did before turns into “What the hell Fantasy Flight? How can you just kick Criminals to the curb?!” And while balance is an important goal to strive for, I’m always of the opinion that we need far more data than we usually have before we can categorically claim something is “too weak” or “too powerful.” Most of the time, they’re not.

Accessed from http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/i8xptifmmdylpmf6tzgp.jpgThe other pitfall of metagame discussion is wholly ignoring the effect of trends. I’m more familiar with this in Dota 2, having seen the same cycle repeat over the last four years. As I’m learning Netrunner and following it’s tournament scene closer, I’m noticing the same things coming up again and again. Certain archetypes have arisen to the top of the pile and you see them played over and over again at tournaments. These decks are basically “known successes” and when you’re playing for stakes you’re more apt to adopt something that you know has worked before than utilize something that hasn’t been tried.

Which is fine and logical. We can fairly safely say that these decks are “good.” What we can’t say is that the other decks, the decks that aren’t being played, are “bad.” There’s a massive fallacy here, especially amongst people who aren’t even in tournaments, to assume that because a professional isn’t playing it must mean that it’s bad. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The only way this would be accurate would be if the professionals had tested all these unplayed archetypes in competitive environments and found they underperformed. If anyone thinks this is actually what happens, then they’re sorely mistaken.

Professional do experiment, of course. In Dota 2 it’s quite common to see teams pick up a new hero in less important tournaments, whether they are ones with weaker opponents or lower prize pools where there is less on the line. If something works, you can watch it slowly spread from one team into the next until it becomes dominant. If it doesn’t, then it’s hand waved away as being “obviously bad.” But there’s a problem with this system. If it’s a new hero or strategy and it fails it might not be due to the strategy being bad. It could be that the players are simply unfamiliar or unexperienced with the strategy and not playing it to its fullest. The most obvious example of this is the disproportionate use of Io amongst western teams compared to eastern teams. Three years ago, Io was considered a trash hero by the eastern teams that only punished poor players who made mistakes. It was completely ignored by eastern drafters believing that they were playing in a style that could not capitalize on these perceived “mistakes.” Western teams, on the other hand, treated Io as a first pick/first ban hero that had to be addressed in either game because it had such a huge impact on how the game unfolded. And, lo and behold, when the International rolled around and east met west, the eastern teams were wrecked by this hero that they so quickly dismissed.

Furthermore, professional players have a very obvious and very consistent behaviour of jumping on trends. When they see a team being successful with a strategy, they’re often very quick to try and adopt that strategy themselves. This is coming to light more and more as professional players share their experiences at these tournaments with their fans. After this year’s International, some players were explaining that, no matter what they practice leading up to the tournament, drafting invariably changes as one team may arrive with a strategy that no one else anticipates and wipes the floor with it leaving every other team trying to desperately copy it. This is because it’s a lot easier to sit and analyze a strategy and how it works than to try and counter it especially if you don’t have the time to run these counter strategies in a practice environment. CDEC led the way this year in setting a very strict set of heroes that everyone had to play because if they got those heroes, they just rolled over their opponents who were so unused to the very early and consistent pressure that they applied. In prior years we saw a similar trend with Vici Gaming and Newbee’s fast push strategy or Alliances incredibly disruptive split pushing strategy.

Accessed from http://cdn3.vox-cdn.com/assets/4730970/ss_2a951d65c6084004dcdc292d4944c0fb4a059624.1920x1080.jpgDoes this mean that these approaches are the best for winning the game? Not necessarily. They’re just what’s popular now. There could be something even more effective that is simply not being played.

So where is the innovation?

Generally, it comes from the new faces. It’s the teams with the lowest expectations and the lowest fanfare that have such dominant impacts on the metagame. I can only assume that they, free from the expectations of performing well and slipping beneath the radar of their opponents leading up to the competition can pull out strange and unexpected tactics. Really, they have the least to lose since they’re not expected to beat the top teams who have been following the current meta strategies for so long.

So, really, us casuals can brush off our Criminal IDs. We can continue drafting the Jakiros and Ogre Magis. We’re the ones that can play goofy ideas. You never know, you might stumble across something that everyone else has been ignoring as they chase the latest trend. We don’t need to win tournaments and even if we were to show up to them, we’d be so unlikely to win that we have nothing to lose by throwing down The Professor and having our opponent start confused. There’s a comfort in playing something that’s known to succeed but there’s also a comfort in playing against it. So don’t think that just because it’s good, it’s the best. Because there’s always something better.