Author Archives: Kevin McFadyen

About Kevin McFadyen

Kevin McFadyen is a world traveller, a poor eater, a happy napper and occasional writer. When not typing frivolously on a keyboard, he is forcing Kait to jump endlessly on her bum knees or attempting to sabotage Derek in the latest boardgame. He prefers Earl Gray to English Breakfast but has been considering whether or not he should adopt a crippling addiction to coffee instead. Happy now, Derek?

Boring Cry of the Cicada

Can I say what a difference a table makes? I must because I just did. Seriously, over this last week I’ve become somewhat of an expert on Kait’s eight by eight foot apartment. Before, she had me chained to a red bean bag chair before a white shelf that has been far too generously referring to as a work table for too long. After seeing the depressing photos when she first arrived, I’ve maintained that Kait had to purchase a proper table and chairs so her place didn’t exude such an impoverished atmosphere. She resisted, of course, partly from inertia and partly from thriftiness.

 

Well, now that we braved the lengthy journey to foreign Ikea and returned 10,000 yen lighter but with lots of cardboard boxes in tow, things have really improved. We shuffled around her kotatsu, spread her tiny living nook along the walls and now the place looks more like someone’s home and less like a vagrant picked the double locks on the door and was quietly squatting with the hopes of skirting the attention of her neighbours.

 

There’s still the issue of the low hanging light swinging square in the widest space reserved for our optimistic exercising. Don’t know how we’ll overcome this obstacle without ruining our tentative feng shui and we might have to settle with a few bruised scalps and battered hands. Now we just need to do something about these spartan walls.

 

Anyway, up until October 26th, the aforementioned trip to the world’s most ubiquitous cheap furniture warehouse was the most I’d seen of Japan. Hardly what one would consider a good use of a twenty hour flight around the world. That all changed, however, as we boarded the train and took the rails an hour and a half out of Sendai. The concrete jungle brushed away to pine covered mountains and wide gorges with tiny rivers for tongues. Though what the Ouu Mountains lack in grandiose majesty, they make up for with cresting tranquility. These aren’t the Rockies but they’re a pleasant break from steel and asphalt. For most of the trip, they basically appear like a long line of mother nature’s traffic cones set up for a giant’s driving test. But there’s rocks and trees and trees and rocks so it spoke to my and Kait’s inner Canadian.

 

We deboarded the train before our target at Omoshiroyama Kougen station. You might know it by it’s other name–Middle of Bloody Nowhere. It’s an unmanned station with a single side platform and a perpetually locked booth which makes me wonder how someone boards at this spot. But then I remember that there’s nothing here so no one would be trying to board in the first place.

 

These photos are mine. Do not take. Do not say they aren't. We, however, were on the hunt for adventure and Kait had heard from some anonymous source of a fabled hiking path that led up to Yamadera from this location. We operated on the false pretence that it was an hour hike which, in my mind, meant it would only take forty-five minutes tops even with our predilection for photography because whenever I hear time estimates it’s usually accounting for the gait of little old ladies. We began our day early, though (Kait had to pay a bill at the post office at nine o’clock so naturally we were both up at six). So we had plenty of time to wander cluelessly behind the handful of Japanese who got off the surprisingly busy train that was making the cross through no man’s territory. We immediately had our cameras in hand since, once passing through the five minute tunnel boring straight through the mountain, we emerged into a valley that actually showed signs of autumn. Unlike the forests leading up there, the area around Omoshiroyama was on fire with the oranges, reds and yellows of dying leaves. More than that, the ravine which would be our hiking course was about thirty feet from where we disembarked.

 

Needless to say, it wasn’t long before we were descending into the ravine and snapping away with all the wild abandon of two dweebs lost in the wilderness. The scenic beauty of the ravine wasn’t lost on us and we had to pause nearly every ten steps to take a new picture. It helped that our trail was hardly a foot wide meandering path cut right into the rock face that escorted the river and crossing it at breathtaking sections with old, rickety bridges. The bubbling of the brook, the crash of a dozen small waterfalls and the rustle of the leaves was the symphony that accompanied our walk.

 

This was the Momijigawa Keikoku hiking trail and it was easy to feel that we’d struck gold off the beaten path of the standard Japanese sightseeing docket. There were few others that came with cameras and tripods in hand to explore the moistened rock faces with us. Most were the elderly who braved about thirty minutes into the ravine before turning back and shuffling to the lonely station. This was fortuitous since the few times we found people coming along the route in the opposite direction we had to climb off the trail and stand amongst the rocks in the river until they passed as there was no space to comfortably meet anyone on the trail itself.

 

Kait loved the the curious furrows the river cut in the valley’s floor. I appreciated the appropriately named Japanese Maple River Ravine’s tree fenced cliff sides and the moss covered stones. Seriously, we probably have a thousand photos of the ravine alone between the two of us. This was even after we’d all but given up on taking pictures after only clearing half the valley. Course, the final stretch had us hunched over and crawling nearly on hands and knees through a concrete hole while a train rattled above us. That hardly makes for fantastic memories.

 

Once we reached the end, we’d also learned why so many people had turned back instead of pressing to the end of the trail. There was nothing that connected the hiking path to civilization save for a single lane twisting road that wove through the mountain range. A quick look at the sign suggested we were 80 minutes from Yamadera itself though this was likely an estimate made for people with motorized vehicles. We started our trek still operating under the naive assumption that the trail itself was an hour from Yamadera and we had somehow spent far longer than normal in the ravine itself.

 

And when I mention that the road was narrow, it was no exaggeration. Whenever a car came puttering around a winding bend we had to jump off the road to make room for them to get across. This is made even more telling when one realizes that the average Japanese vehicle is half the size of an American one. I felt nervous that we were breaking some sort of highway traffic law until a bicycle came meandering along the road.

 

These photos are mine. Do not take. Do not say they aren't.The road was pleasant for a road, I suppose. It wasn’t as good as the hiking trail but it still offered some nice views of the mountains though you had to ignore the rattle of the train as it passed beyond the trees. We dragged ourselves into Yamadera proper, near collapsing on some stones at the start of the thousand step climb to the famous temple itself.

 

Some quick background: Yamadera–Mountain Temple–is actually the common name for a sprawling temple complex that includes the important temple of Risshaku-ji. It was founded in 860 AD (because everything outside of North America is ridiculously old) when the priest Ennin returned from China and brought the principles of Buddhism with him. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the first priest to do so and in order to distinguish himself from all his peers in Kyoto he decided to build his house on the distant northern mountain Hiei at the edge of Bloody Nowhere. Naturally, no one came to visit.

 

It wasn’t until the famous haiku poet Bashou stumbled across the place on his spite vacation from civilization that it returned to the map. For those that don’t know, haiku poetry was created when the poets of Edo Japan decided to hold a brevity contest because epic ballads are so 500 BC and these are the 1600s, damnit! Get with the times! We’re also growing our hair long! You wouldn’t like our music either!

 

Bashou was so struck by the beauty of Yamadera that he spent his entire three line poem talking about the damn buzz of the cicadas. He could have talked about the buddhist carvings in the blanched stone face, the wide view of the valley from the top of the 1,000 steps, the peculiar beech wood structures that are rare among other temples or even the gold buddha statue in the main complex. But nope, let’s comment on the loudest, most obnoxious insect. Because, you know, it’s not like you can’t find the damn things all across Japan.

 

At any rate, everyone loved the man of few words and his poems of even fewer words so pilgrims flocked to Yamadera like Japanese tourists to an overly hyped historical monument. No doubt this led to the meandering construction of temples running up the trail. A thousand steps sounds like an impressive number too–it must since Skyrim used it!–but it really isn’t much of a climb. Certainly not enough to justify the weird walking sticks/wood measuring wheels they sell. And I have no idea what all the buildings are erected for since there certainly aren’t enough monks for those to be dormitories and mess halls. That said, the complex is pretty though it’s hardly forgiving for photography. While the steps are wide in the main complex itself, the path hugs the temple buildings themselves so that you can’t get a good angle on them. And as you climb higher, all you can see is their roofs from above. The observation platform isn’t much better since it was swarmed with huffing and puffing elderly Japanese people all congratulating themselves on not having heart attacks.

 

Seriously, there must have been some sort of nearby geriatrics convention to explain the bus loads of old people that descended on the site. Since Kait and I were pretty exhausted from our walk through the ravine followed by the walk to the sleepy town of Yamadera itself, we had very little energy to explore the temple. Plus, Kait had been there before so this was rather old hat. We snapped some pictures and enjoyed the views before backtracking to the temple’s proper entrance and rubbing a wooden buddha’s belly for good luck.

 

These photos are mine. Do not take. Do not say they aren't.We turned our backs on Yamadera and hobbled to the JR station. Kait bravely resisted the few ice cream vendors still open while we stumbled into the rail station. We checked the times for the train to Sendai and got disheartened when we realized we missed the train by six minutes and had an hour to wait for the next one. Kait opened her mouth to propose options for wasting our hour when the station master opened the window from his post and asked us if we were headed towards Sendai. We said we were and then he spoke in rapid fire Japanese. After getting nothing but blank blinks, he garbled out some decent English to explain that the train was running fourteen minutes late! An oddity in Japan but certainly one that did us benefit. We thanked him profusely, hurried through the door, got stumped by the ticket booth and then thanked him profusely again as he waved us to the platform.

 

Seriously, Kait doesn’t appreciate how much easier she has things with so much English around her. The only downside to us catching the 3:13 train was that we were caught on the same train that the high school students used to travel from Sendai’s outlying schools back to the city proper. At the very least we could communicate in horribly butchered French without worry that we would be too loud for the other passengers. Course, we had to trample some unfortunate Japanese kids to squeeze out of the packed car. Oh well, that’s what happens when all you brats crowd the doors!
With feet, legs and knees in full protest, we hobbled back to the apartment and properly crashed after eight full hours of walking and climbing. Overall, I’d consider it a successful day.

Lost World

Well, the one benefit of sixteen hour flights is that you get to spend a lot of time catching up on recent media you may have otherwise missed. I’m assuming I’m paying a premium in seat prices for access to summer blockbusters that I couldn’t be motivated to actually head to a cinema to view. I’m certainly not paying for the leg room!

And what greater movie opened this summer that I’ve been quiet about than Jurassic World? No, seriously, was there a bigger movie released this summer? I don’t follow releases and I don’t know what came out. I’m assuming there’s a Marvel movie or three. I know I put Ant-Man on my list of what to watch below Magic Mike XXL.

Thankfully, it seems Air Canada was determined to run a Jurassic Park marathon instead. Seeing in the list Jurassic World sent my heart a-flutter. Finally, I can watch that which I was never going to bother with and I wouldn’t have to spend anything extra! I could see what the fuss (or non-fuss was because, really, I heard no one talking about this one) was about.

Accessed from http://www.openlettersmonthly.com/hammerandthump/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Jurassic_World_poster.jpg

Jurassic World, thankfully, does not belong to me but Colin Trevorrow, Amblin Entertainment, Legendary Pictures and Universal Pictures.

So what were my thoughts? Well, it wasn’t completely awful. But it’s a far cry from good. It’s better than the other Jurassic Park sequels but that’s like praising a movie for having comparatively more eloquent writing than The Room. It shouldn’t really be a compliment that you can scratch together something more graceful than, “I don’t want to talk about my business. It’s too personal. So tell me about your sex life!”

By the way, if you haven’t seen Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, you really should. Go to one of those little indie theatres that has the special showings. It’s a treat. Spoooooooon!

Where was I? Right, Jurassic World. Let’s get down to brass tacks here. What did it do well? It’s pretty. Improvements and refinements to CGI continues to do these fantastical movies service. That said, I had the luxury of watching the original after it and, honestly, the dinosaurs aren’t that much worse in the original. No, the real improvement is in sound stage design. Granted, to overcome this, older director’s had to do more on location shooting. And there’s something archaically authentic of Jurassic Park’s vistas. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly. Perhaps it’s the cheap looking line of track running through actual overgrowth that adds something. Jurassic World appears more complete, however. And it’s zoo/theme park design is really top notch. The art director deserves some credit for really bringing to life and making quite believable this incredibly fantastical attraction.

There’s lots of money in dollying up Jurassic World; it’s a pity that the poor girl has no substance behind her. This brings us to the other thing that Jurassic World does better than it’s sequel predecessors. It follows the original’s release far more closely. This is both it’s strength when compared to, say, The Lost World but ultimately a weakness when compared to Jurassic Park itself. Because, let’s be honest, everything Jurassic World does, Jurassic Park does better.

The children are far more engaging in Jurassic Park. The narrative flow is far more gripping. There’s tension. There’s character complexity. There’s sharp plotting. It’s the sort of story that very clearly derived from a very strong base. I’ve read Michael Crichton’s novel and, truthfully, I’m uncertain whether I like the movie or book better. Somewhere along the line, the film found the essence of the novel and made some notable improvements with far less time to explore them. Specifically, I much prefer the film’s John Hammond and not solely due to Richard Attenborough’s phenomenal portrayal. I found the tragic change in his character as he realizes his life’s work an utter failure more compelling than the staunch and (albeit) rather silly end he reaches in the book.

That said, Jurassic Park is filled with excellent performances. No one can forget Jeff Goldblum’s smarmy chaostician. Sam Neill’s Grant is a wonderful ornery Indiana Jones. Wayne Knight’s slimy Nedry is as wonderfully unlike-able as you can get and Samuel L. Jackson’s Ray Arnold is lamentably underused.

Who does Jurassic World have? Chris Pratt is very obviously pushed as a hybrid Grant-Muldoon but never comes across as being as capable in either roles. While Muldoon essentially only gets eaten in Jurassic Park, the way he commands people in the control room during the crisis lends far greater gravitas than Pratt’s running around and eschewing direct orders. While Pratt may control his raptors like chickens, it feels like Muldoon had a far better understanding of the creatures. Bryce Dallas Howard has some fleeting moments as the under pressure operation’s manager but she drops this role to run around the jungle with Pratt trying to extol the virtues of modern feminism while completely failing in the bad-ass female role compared to her predecessor Laura Dern as Dr. Sattler. Whose left of the cast? Vincent D’onofrio, as security chief Hoskins, sucks up time putzing around the screen doing… something. He’s clearly meant to be some sort of villain but he doesn’t do anything. Even when his “special ops” (emphasis on special here) take over the control, it’s still Dearing’s staff that are doing any work. Outside of being obnoxious, he doesn’t add anything. The children are worse than Jurassic Park’s primary because they’re there to primary take up space. See, the children in Jurassic Park served a vital role in the personal story of Dr. Grant. This exact same character development is shifted onto Howard’s Aunt Dearing but there’s no establishment that Aunt Dearing is so detached from her family and this is a personal failing outside of a few throw-away lines. As such, there’s no real investment in those familial stakes. In fact, you never really get a sense that she’s not absolutely worried over her children solely because it’s just irresponsible for losing them in her park.

There was something about an imminent divorce but this–to me–came out of nowhere and went back there just as quickly to make it such an inconsequential moment in the brother’s lives. There was no story around them other than they were typical kids in a park that got lost.

Perhaps the only character that I liked in the film was B. D. Wong’s reprisal of Dr. Wu who at least had the decency to lampshade some of the nonsense surrounding the series and this movie in particular.

Now, let’s get to the bad. And yes, that entire rant on pointless characters wasn’t even addressing the movie’s flaws!

Accessed from https://halloweenlove.com/images/posts/jurassic-world-poster.jpgThe plot is awful. It’s the sort of plot that moves forward with its own inexplicable logic, requiring the poor decision making of its characters and throwing any sort of internal consistency out the window in order to succeed. Indomitus Rex, as a concept, is silly. The creators seemed rather aware of this and tried their hardest to explain this but the thing is just dumb. It’s really glaring too. Jurassic Park presents its dinosaurs as monsters and treats them like real animals. Jurassic World presents them as real animals but treats them like monsters.

What do I mean by this? Jurassic World goes through a lot of character dialogue establishing that the dinosaurs are just any other animal. Pretty much all of Pratt’s work speeches is spent demystifying them. He controls his velociraptors through standard behaviour imprinting and training. Indominus Rex’s motivations are framed as poor socialization through isolation and automatic feeding. And yet, the tail end of the movie revolves around Indominus killing just because and one hilariously stupid moment where the stupid animal squawks at a pack of raptors to convince them to its side (despite, you know, it already established that the pack was only working because Pratt had–since their birth–been socializing and raising them). But no, these animals just mystically decided to work with Indominus despite the creature being raised in isolation with no contact with any other creature (so how does it communicate with a different species of dinosaur in the first place?) and it only being several months old (even if this simplistic and inaccurate representation of pack mentality were true does anyone truly think that a pup would ever convince a pack that’s all older than it to follow it?).

And what the hell was up with the pterosaur rampage? These creatures are theorized to be fish eaters so they clearly had no reason to hunt the park goers (and their attempts to do so in the film demonstrate how ill-fitted their beaks are for such a task) and furthermore, what the hell even attracted them to the park in the first place when they were released from the aviary at the far northern end of the island? Why wouldn’t they just disperse all over the place?

Well, that’s because we need some really contrived moment where the park is attacked by animals but since we’ve spent so much time with Indominus in the middle of nowhere, we have no damn good explanation for it.

And this is the kicker. The rampage in Jurassic Park didn’t just sort of happen. There were a lot of culminating factors that built up to Grant, Sattler and children running through air ducts as raptors trying to eat them alive. Jurassic Park spends quite a chunk of time setting up its perfect storm of conditions for the entire enterprise to collapse. Nedry is disabling all the high-tech security so he can steal the embryos for a rival corporation. A massive tropical storm comes through to fully knock-out the hacked systems (which Nedry could theoretically plan around to maximize chances of him performing his corporate espionage without getting caught). The island itself is running on a skeleton screw: partly because it hasn’t opened yet and partly because nearly everyone was evacuated (whether because of the storm or because staff don’t actually stay on the park is never made clear). Thus, between human treachery, natural destruction and abandonment of resources, the first Jurassic Park fails.

Now look at Jurassic World. Indominus Rex escapes its pen because it has magical control over heat sensors (never explained but the assumption is a gene-wizard did it). Indominus Rex gets to rampage because Dearing not only issues that the containment squad solely try to restrain the creature instead of kill it (because it’s too costly an asset to lose, she claims, despite the cost a lawsuit should a single park goer get injured or killed from its escape grossly outweighs any production cost and the fact that they’d now have the embryo to re-clone anyway. Oddly, this is already mentioned in Jurassic Park when that one handler who gets injured or killed by the velociraptor in the opening scene costs Hammond and his investors over 20 million dollars). Then, instead of deploying all their security to now capture the creature that’s eluded the first containment squad (which we know since D’onofrio’s special ops come swooping in later and there’s a bunch of inept security running around during the pterosaur attack), Dearing simply enlists Pratt to wander into the jungle while the owner decides to fly a single helicopter with one mounted gun to try and shoot it down (and gets foiled by the aforementioned magical pterosaurs). I’ve mentioned the third attempt to stop the Indominus when the raptor hunting party magically turns against Pratt and the third containment squad sent after it.

And then, of course, the only thing that stops Indominus is an equally baffling and unexplained alliance between a Tyrannosaurs Rex, the last surviving member of the velociraptor squad and the water bound Mesasaur. All we needed was a really lame line like, “There’s always a bigger fish” to tie the whole package up in it’s indescribable camp and stupidity. And then the T-Rex and raptor basically respect head-nod each other out of the scene.

And here’s the frustrating thing: people will forgive these incredibly awful plot moments because “it’s a movie and you’re suppose to turn your brain off.” And yet, what made Jurassic Park so great was that you didn’t have to. Was it perfect? Of course not but it certainly wasn’t this stupid either.

And at the end of the day, we’re not looking for a re-master of Jurassic Park in the first place. It’s a fantastic movie that, if anyone wants to watch it, should just watch it and not go through the hassle of this crap. What Jurassic World should have done was tried to chart it’s own course instead of relying on the prior successes as a crutch. Especially when it can’t even use that crutch to keep it hobbling down its broken course. What would I have liked to see from Jurassic World? For it to tell it’s own story. Figure out what the hell you’re actually looking at. Jurassic Park isn’t coy about its themes. Every single scientist in the movie questions the ethics of returning to life a species that was extinct for the sole purpose to print tickets and sell merchandise. It posits that the value of life is more than how much you can charge someone to come and see it. The roar of T-Rex at the end isn’t a roar of some wild animal claiming it’s status as the apex predator. It’s the roar of life itself, reminding the viewer that artificial constraints can not bend or break it.

And the roar of Jurassic World is nothing more than a mew for attention.

Accessed from http://blogs-images.forbes.com/erikkain/files/2015/06/Jurassic-World-goat.jpg

Edit: Apparently, the Indominus’ original escape is somehow arranged by Wu and chief security officer Hoskins? At least there’s lampshading if the original complaint about it not making any sense still stands–considering if that was the case, why didn’t they open the door instead of relying upon the Indominus using it’s chameleon skills to lure a dopey security officer into the pen who is too slow to make it to the employee exit but fast enough to open the massive pen’s door?

This Is A Thing

So, I still do this. Honest. I’ve just been busy. Which is unfortunate because November is coming up and we all know how well that goes. Maybe because of my horrible neglect in October, I shall post in November. Maybe I’ll just post my rambling nonsense from NaNo. That sounds fun right?

Right?

 

II

 

I hate motels. They’re dingy pits filled with a perpetual smell of petroleum, ubiquitous and unidentifiable stains covering dated carpets and continental breakfasts solely composed of stale coffee and week old muffins. The only thing I ever like about them is they’re typically staffed by workers who are just as embarrassed about the place as the guests are.

The Dickie Bird Motel is such a place barring the staff.

The proprietor and, from what I could tell the sole worker, is a middle aged man who introduced himself as Emile Masson. Despite the name, I can’t get over his dark complexion and hair or his short stature. He has a splotchy beard and crinkly face that’s jovial but eerily out of place. He doesn’t speak with an accent, thankfully. And I am polite enough to not ask about his background.

“Around for another day are you?”

I blow on the lukewarm swill in my cup.

“Guess so.”

“Keep this up and I’d think you’d want to take up residence!”

He laughs at his own joke. I wrap up the half-eaten muffin.

“Seriously though, don’t get many people staying too long. Bit of a surprise is all, as most are just laying-over from the highway. Heading down south for those nice beaches. T’is a pity, I always say. We’ve got some perfectly fine surf here. But folks just want that sun, I suppose.”

“Guess so.”

My chair scrapes loudly as I stand and deposit the remains of my breakfast in the black garbage bag. Emile is moving about the tables, pretending to be cleaning. Hardly a speck of dirt on them as most guests have already packed up and moved on. Not that there’s any reason to hang around. The breakfast area is in the same foyer as Emile’s front desk and this motel is hardly sporting any pools or spas.

“I’ve got a few brochures of the area. Some fine old lighthouses dotted about. Get a few motorists that make a hobby of checking out historical places. Think we’ve got a few geocaches too if that’s your interest.”

He’s dead set on a conversation. My neck is still sore from his rock-hard pillows and lumpy mattress. The Dickie Bird is the only thing in the area with a decent recommendation online, however. Which worries me what the state of the Maryhill hotel would be.

“Not really here for sight-seeing.”

“Fishing is it? Didn’t think I noticed a canoe or anything on your car. A few rentals not too far out.”

“I’m actually looking for someone.”

Emile pauses in his housekeeping.

“Is that so?”

It’s clear he doesn’t know what to do with this information. I can hardly blame him. I get a lot of those blank stares.

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about Maryhill, would you?”

His mood sours instantly. I watch as he turns instinctively from the window, suddenly becoming preoccupied with a spot on the table.

“You came all this way for that place, huh?”

“Not specifically. Got some word they were headed this way. You ever heard of the Pitch Dark?”

Emile is visibly shaken. He folds up his cloth and makes his way to the counter.

“You sure you aren’t looking for some fishing?”

I don’t know why I press. Maybe I feel guilty for his sudden change in disposition. Maybe I am worried about his brief look of horror. I reach into my coat pocket and extract a small photograph. It’s worn, now. The edges are bent. I place it on the counter and slide it across.

“These are my cousins.” I look him hard in the face. “Been gone for a few years now. Just up and left one night. Took their children with them and didn’t say a word. I’m trying to find them.”

Emile tries to keep from the photograph. His conscience gets the better of him. He picks it up, turning on the side lamp to look at it clearer.

“Cute girls.”

“Eleven and seven at the time. That one’s Madison. The other’s Zoe.”

He looks at it for a time. I can’t read his expression but it’s clear he’s wrestling with something. I pinch the photo, gently removing it from his grasp.

“I just want to make sure they’re alright.”

He nods, blinking as I put the photograph back in my jacket pocket.

“And you think they’re here?”

“As I said, I got word they were headed this way.”

“I don’t know much about… Maryhill.” He chokes on the word as though it’s poison to his throat. “Don’t have any reason to be heading that way, myself. Not a lot of people go there. Oh, she’s seen better days, that’s for certain. But there’s an unpleasantness about her that puts visitors right off. Been like that ever since I’ve worked here.”

“What of the Pitch Dark?”

“What of it?”

“You don’t know anything about that?”

“Only what I got on the news,” Emile says, nodding towards the small television in the corner. “Wasn’t a pleasant business, overall. Most are happy to have it go away and be forgotten. We still get a few curiosity seekers come through. Poking around for it and all that. For the most part, though, it’s come and gone.”

I shake my head.

“You haven’t really said what it is.”

“I wouldn’t know!” Emile says quickly. He looks around, as though he expects some phantom audience to be listening in on the conversation. “I just… heard the gossip and whatnot. Honest.”

“What was the gossip.”

“Not good.”

I can tell when things are heading in circles. I rap an anxious knuckle on the counter before realizing my options are exhausted.

“Well, thank you very much.”

Maybe it’s my tone, but Emile calls as I’m pushing open the door.

“It was an unpleasant sort of business!” I look back at him, door still open to the grey skies. “It was no family establishment, that’s for certain. They held midnight performances only… of a peculiar sort. I remember some of the people who’d come for them. You can tell the type. Strangers they were, in more ways than one. Most didn’t stay here though. Don’t rightly know where they stayed. They’d come for their shows and then… who knows.”

“What kind of shows are we talking about? Everything online was vague.”

“They wouldn’t post something like the Pitch Dark online.” Emile shakes his head as though to dislodge something from his mind. “Unwholesome. Debauched. Exotic-like. As I said, nothing suitable for a good family.”

“And now it’s closed.”

“That’s a blessing, it is,” Emile says. “Not sure why. Police got involved after some anonymous tip. Launched an investigation and everything. Their press release was brief. Said they found things. Disturbing things. Didn’t go into detail and no one pressed. So it just sort of… blew on by.”

“You haven’t seen a Volkswagen by chance?”

“Seen a lot.”

“Recently?”

“I don’t keep a car registry, I’m afraid.”

“Thanks.”

I make sure to sound appreciative this time. His reply feels genuine.

“Be safe.”

The Dickie Bird is placed along the highway and it takes me a good two hours of meandering country road to get back to dreary Maryhill. It’s still muted and lifeless in the daylight with its disquieting residents shambling along the paths. I don’t have much of a direction this time. I drive by the theatre but have no energy to search it. One look and the exhaustion of last night’s visit hits me like a pile of bricks. But I’m not looking for decrepit ruins today.

I need to find that car.

I spend the better part of the morning driving up and down those few streets. I keep telling myself that I’ll happen upon it at any moment. When lunch comes around, I stop at the smallest store I’ve ever seen. The clerk is sullen as he sells me some plain bread and a few over-priced fruit. Grumbles about the lack of fish and I can’t help but notice he hasn’t bothered to update his signs to reflect the lack of stock.

I eat in the lot beneath the local church. The bright red roof gives some life to the wretched village. But it doesn’t bring any comfort. I watch the sea churn its thick, dark waves. A few boats blink amongst the crests, near drowned in the carpeting clouds stifling the horizon. I find my heart racing just thinking of those desolate souls tossing back and forth. My lunch lurches in my stomach.

Maybe a drive will help clear my mind.

I put Maryhill behind me, following the languid road through the scoured rocky seaside. Though the town proper falls away, there’s still far flung homes scattered amongst the scraggly grass. It might have looked serene on a sunny day but to me it’s all desolation. Gives the sense of a worn battlefield than quaint countryside. I can’t help but wonder how much blood has been put into the earth but a glance to the dark waters makes me think it’s all gone to a different end.

I don’t think much of the outcropping when it pops up from the ground as I mount the ridge. The thick stone is smoothed and worn from weathering and has the appearance of a broken and hunched giant’s back. Nothing grows across his pale sides as the stone behemoth appears to be dragging his tired body into the hungry waves breaking across his neck. I wonder if it’s a lookout and briefly consider searching for a route up.

It’s then I notice the shack.

It’s a small, grey wood structure like something that has been washed out to sea centuries ago and only recently been tossed back. Its windows are dark, the glass rippled like a pond disturbed by an unseen finger. A multitude of empty drying racks dot the plot, the bare wood all that’s left of a long dead carcass picked clean.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/frames-e.html?/html/t/turner/1/103turne.html

The Shipwreck by Joseph Mallord William Turner (1805).

But it’s not the traditional architecture that makes me swerve onto the narrow path running towards its fastened front door. There’s a Volkswagen parked beside it. A Volkswagen with a familiar dint above the back right wheel well.

I’m rubbing my eyes as I come to a stop mere feet from the fender. My headlights pool across the metal, glittering off the flecks of sea spray and early drizzle. I open my door in a daze, the wind slamming me inside my car as I shake the eerie grip of delusion from my mind.

I can hardly believe the letters stamped across the licence plate.

BAHC-353.

I near slip on the moistened rock underfoot as I stumble from my vehicle still thrumming with its live engine. I have to touch it. I have to reassure myself that my sight isn’t deceiving me.

The metal is biting cold beneath my fingers. My breath fogs the glass. I press my nose against the windows but there are no familiar faces peering  from the interior.

I turn towards the rundown shack. My fist rings against the wood. The door nearly buckles from my greeting.

Perhaps it is the ferocity of my announcement but there’s an immediate answer to my summons. The face that peels the door away is a withered and creased thing half-hidden beneath a beard so ferocious and ratty that it looks like something had hooked on the man’s face and perished. It is impossible to age the man beneath the sagging cowls of his upper-lids and the splotchy skin pulled taut across his wiry frame. He could be ancient, some relic even older than his home spat from the sea. Or he could be a handful of years my junior, aged well beyond recognition from toils demanded by the small dingy clattering along the pier out the back of his abode.

“Who are you?”

It is not much of a welcome but a befitting one for a stranger clutching his coat and staring as hard as he can at the native.

“This your house?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Is that your car?”

This makes the bearded man falter. His response is noticeably less assured. “Yes.”

“Where did you get it?”

“What’s it to you?”

I don’t know where the surge of adrenaline originates, but I grab the man fiercely by his frayed sweater and pull him from his stoop. His hands are upon mine, far stronger than I expect. We wrestle but briefly. My shoes slip upon the stones and sense is jostled harshly into my body as I bang against the unrelenting earth.

The man scrambles for some object to defend himself but his rusted hammer is no good against the weapon I wield.

He pauses as I hold the photograph aloft.

“Where are they!” I cry into the wind. The sea pulls hungrily at the photo. Water streaks my burning face but the ocean spray and mist refuse to reveal whether it is tears of rage or not. The fisherman lowers his tool.

“Get out before I call the cops!”

I stumble to my feet, my clothes heavy with the moisture they have stolen.

“Where are they!” I demand again.

The fisherman turns to his modest home but I stumble after him before he can shut the door.

“I’ll go to the police. I know they were here!”

He stands in his entryway, water dripping upon the naked boards.

“I don’t know nothing about them!”

“That’s their car!” I point, still reassuring myself that it rests in the driveway.

“I don’t know anything!”

“Where did you get their car? Were they here? Did you invite them in?”

“I don’t know nothing about no damn family!”

He turns, a flurry of emotion written across his face. He looks sternly in my eye. His hands ball into fists. And yet, the picture still shakes in my grip. He looks down on the faces as though transfixed by the frozen people trapped in their old frame.

My voice is hoarse as it struggles through my lips.

“Where are they?”

He holds one of his wizened hands over his eyes, rubbing something away. When last he looks at me, his face is drained. All that’s left is a crippling fatigue that sags his shoulders.

“I found it,” he whispers. The words are nearly lost in the wind. “I found it just up the ways. Headed into town. Just sitting on the side of the road there like a little gosling that lost her mother. Doors were all open. The light was like a beacon…”

He shakes his head again and waves towards the car.

“Not a sign of nobody, I swear.”

I shake my head. This makes no sense.

“Why didn’t you report it?”

“Have you seen this place?” the fisherman cries. “My hauls are empty. The sea’s been angry for years now. I haven’t… I have to eat. I have to eat! I can barely afford to keep my boat in repair. I thought… well maybe this was my time, you know. Old Maryhill’s supposed to bring about fortunes when the Lord is pleased and all. I figured maybe this was that sign. I swore if the owner ever came back, I’d be right as happy to return it. I would! But, well, no one ever came.”

I can’t tell if he’s lying or not. I look about his property though it’s not like I’m going to find an open grave with my cousins all piled inside. I look the photograph over, wiping off what rain I can before putting it safely back in my coat.

“I want to look at it.”

“Yes,” he says, nodding. “Of course.”

He takes only a moment, disappearing behind his door. He returns with keys jangling in hand. He motions towards the car but I hold out my palm. He looks at them reluctantly before passing them over.

I circle the car as I search for anything. I try opening the door but I don’t recognize all the keys on the chain. It takes a couple of tries before I get it unlocked.

The smell is the first thing to hit.

I don’t have a lot of memories of this vehicle. My familiarity has developed by pouring over old albums and photographs. But I’m certain I would have remembered the heavy stench of fish and rot that permeates it. I gulp what fresh air I can before climbing inside.

The interior is disgusting. Garbage piles on the passenger seats. Stains and grime stick upon every surface. I don’t want to touch anything. I poke through it anyway.

There’s little in the glove compartment that hints at any prior owner. There’s nothing of my cousins amongst the filth that litters the floor. Cigarette burns mar the dashboard but they never smoked. It wasn’t good for the kids. There isn’t even a CD in the tray.

Whatever was left of my cousins has been buried or removed by the slimy, greasy fingers of that man.

Yet another dead end.

I slam my fists against the wheel. The horn echoes the forlorn cry I cannot give.

No, I’m on the right track. I have to be. This is proof. This is what I’ve been looking for all these years. I pull myself from the car, breathing in the fresh air. I take out my phone, snapping a few shots of the vehicle. I make sure to angle my pictures to include the fisherman in them without him realizing.

“So there was nothing in the car?” I ask.

“No.”

He isn’t convincing.

“I want to see inside your home.”

“No way! Look, I’ve been plenty accommodating. But I really don’t know what happened to the last owners.”

I try to sneak a peek of his house as I hand back the keys and he locks himself inside. It’s not likely that he’d have something of theirs anyway.

I remember searching their home and noting much of the kids’ things were gone–as was the luggage. It is as though they packed up for an impromptu vacation. For this vehicle to be here, they had to have travelled a great ways with it packed to the brim. It’s simply not possible that he found the car without anything inside.

I make sure to take a shot of his house before climbing into my car. I’ll poke around the shops and see if I can’t find something of theirs. He probably pawned it and probably locally. He doesn’t seem the type to offload a bunch of stolen belongings without leaving a paper trail.

I’m giddy as I drive into Maryhill. Perhaps it’s the first time I actually face the village with a smile. It doesn’t last long. I’m across town in a few minutes before I even remember that I didn’t find any pawnshops in my prior searches. I stop in that sad little store where I bought lunch and get a confirmation. The closest one is a few days travel down the highway.

The wind is gathering more furor so I decide to call it early and head back to the Dickie Bird.

Preview – The Pitch Dark

I haven’t forgotten you. Though sometimes it feels like I have…

 

I

 

Five years of obsession and searching have brought me here. Five long years and I have a name at last. It’s not an answer but at least it’s a new question.

The Pitch Dark Theatre.

It’s not much to look at now. It’s one of those old, colonial types. Never really cared for architecture myself. That is more Therese’s thing. She loves old homes. Always going on about the Georgians, Gothic Revivals and Queen Annes. Yeah, this could be a Queen. Those are her favourite and this has vestiges of that gingerbready look. I have a feeling she wouldn’t be too fussed about this one, though.

It squats on the ridge like some fat vulture hungrily eyeing the street. Its long windows are boarded and shut to the crashing surf still audible despite the wind. Half the shutters have fallen off rusted hinges and the few that remain batter against the brick side. At one time it was probably fancy like a governor’s house or a hotel. It isn’t much now. The only sense of colour to represent its regal construction is in the blocky graffiti sprayed across its wall. But even that is sparse.

Few weeds sprout on a front lawn too dry to entertain grass for a spell. The barren ground is an oddity given the heavy clouds overhead. The smell of rot permeates the air and the boards sag underfoot. Paint peels and flakes but reveals nothing beneath other than more blighted black wood.

And then there is that damnable police tape snapping in the air. The edges are frayed. The words are faded. Someone put this up then couldn’t be bothered to return and take it down. It’s like the whole town has condemned the place, marked it off and quarantined it.

The message is clear: stay away.

But I can’t. There’s something about the name. I hold my phone before the facade, looking over what it once was. The Internet still has pictures of it back when Maryhill was proud of the monument. Bright cornerstones encased the red brick with inlaid terracotta panels and a large disposed set of windows with arched upper sashes and a gabled roof. Asymmetrical oriel windows pop from its otherwise flat side with impressive set ornamental frames that would have certainly been a big draw back in the day.

Now, they are more like pustulating blemishes bulging from the skin and ready to burst. Ornamental chimneys rise behind the single, oddly placed tower as though the roof has grown a row of crooked teeth. The whole front curves and buckles at irregular angles like the ground is trying to dislodge and pitch the entire misshapen thing into the sea.

And while it was bright and decorated in the photo, now it is all black. Thick, choking paint runs over everything, right down to the fish scale shingles so that a sense of form and depth is utterly lost amongst that unending nothingness.

I snap a photo anyway.

I take a look about the street before ducking beneath the tape. It is unnecessary but after five years of questionable searches and more than a few awkward conversations with local authorities, some habits are hard to shake. No one really walks by this old building though. I haven’t seen a single soul even look its way from the lower roads.

The wood groans as I pass. There’s no front door anymore. Pieces of scattered, broken wood are the only hints to the theatre’s final night. I enter the foyer without any resistance, picking a path amongst the construction half forgotten in the curved entrance. The hallways are open to me, all doorways eerily empty of their teeth. Wind whistles through the building’s vacated bones as litter and dirt spreads from the passing of rodents and birds.

I make my way forward. Despite the dirt, the only thing that stands out as peculiar is the walls. They’re covered in wide streaks of bright white paint. It seems like someone had come through with ambitious intentions despite the animals ruining the effort. Lines stripe the ceiling too, as though to scrub the offending black wholly from existence. As I proceed deeper, however, the effort dwindles. Solitary lines are all that remain until I step into a central courtyard eerily untouched by this mysterious renovator.

It’s a strange design. Where should lie the heart of the house rests a cobbled square with a covered walkway that circles its perimeter. There’s a visible chill in the air as numerous passages lead to this small, open space. Looking up, I can see the persistent grey sky heavy with rain clouds too full to break. Silhouettes of the square chimneys feel like a penning fence, their throats long drained of any smoke.

Without the mad renovator’s touch, the effect of that black paint is heaviest here. It oozes from every post, brick and stone. Only the single shaft of light overhead can penetrate that gloom. The air is thick as though it carries twisting chains that wrap about my ankles and wrists. The windows overlooking the yard are just as dark and unnerving.

But nothing is worse than that stairwell.

It’s little more than a slit in the ground like a tear in the very earth. Darkness almost bubbles forth from its gaping cavity and there’s an oppressive silence that deafens my senses. Looking upon that hole I’m unable to shake a powerful sense of dread.

Naturally, I turn and poke amongst the side passages.

I don’t know how long I wander. Each room I step into is just like the last. It’s as though I’m witnessing the frozen battle between two eternal forces. Black and white paint hangs from every surface. Where expensive rugs and ornate furniture should be there is nothing but those naked walls clashing in their two tones. The borders and mouldings are lost amongst careless brush swipes. It’s impossible to say who is winning.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/art/t/turner/1/100turne.jpeg

Fishermen at Sea by Joseph Mallord William Turner (1796).

And no matter where I wander, I always emerge in that dreaded courtyard. Even as I attempt to navigate myself away from it, the curious twisting corridors and small, numerous blank rooms always end by disgorging me into that pit of darkness. There’s nothing here on the main floors. I can’t even say that the place has been ransacked. It’s almost as though there was nothing ever here.

The fifth time I enter the courtyard, I look up to the sky to see it darkening just like the house. A shudder runs down my spine as my eyes are inextricably drawn towards those hollow, descending steps. I haven’t checked the upper floors yet and by now I’m not certain I even want to explore them.

I convince myself that it would be too dangerous in a building this neglected without a flashlight. I poke amongst the corridors until I find the one that leads out. I don’t even bother hiding my sigh of relief as I duck beneath the police tape and hurry down the path to the street. I pause before the driver’s door to look at the Pitch Dark Theatre in the deepening twilight. It’s like a shadow now but of what I cannot say–just a dark smear across a dark sky.

I get into the car and drive, thankful for the shine of my headlights.

It feels like another wasted day. It feels like another dead end. Nothing to show for my work. Nothing to confirm these nagging doubts latched in the back of my mind. I was certain this would be it. Looking at the building felt like I finally caught my break.

The rest of Maryhill is unremarkable colonial nothingness. It’s a village forgotten by time. The small, squat homes are bleak and lifeless. The few inhabitants on the street huddle against the terrible wind rolling off the waters, clutching their torn plastic bags as they shuffle for the recluse of their small lives. It’s a dead town at the end of a very dead trail.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s time to give this up.

I’m turning the car towards the highway when something catches the corner of my eye. I slam the brakes and screech to a stop.

There, beneath the pale light of a local hotel is the worn, beaten Volkswagen with the telltale dent above its back right wheel well. I’m in shock as I fumble for my phone. I’m flicking between photo albums before I even realize I’m parked in the middle of the street. I signal and turn into the hotel’s parking lot, taking a space two down from the Volkswagen. I find a picture of the old car, parked beneath the cherry tree. It looks better then and not just because of the two girls sitting in its open trunk smiling for the camera. Their feet dangle over the licence plate but I can still make out enough of it.

BAHC-353.

I climb out, pausing just long enough to look up and down the street. Nobody wants to brave this weather this late in the evening. As I move around the car, I look towards the hotel entrance. All the windows are dark like most of Maryhill but a small, fluorescent Open sign flickers in the corner of the front glass.

I crouch by the back plate, wiping some of the mud away.

BAHC-353.

My heart is pounding. This is it. I look back at the hotel.

It’s a small place. Certainly less grandiose than the Pitch Dark Theatre. It’s covered in that quaint country white paint though the wind and sea salt has caused it to peel in places. The roof sags beneath its own dissolution. The curtains are frilled, stained and faded. Perhaps it would have been lovely back in the seventeen hundreds. Now it was much like the rest of the town–living well past its natural life.

I open the front door. The soft chime of bells ring overhead. The wind groans after me, causing small papers to flutter of a nearby stand. I slam the door shut, bending to pick up the mess I’ve inadvertently made. They are travel brochures though none of the pictures on them look like Maryhill. They’re all colourful villages filled with smiling people.

“Can I help you?”

The question is more accusatory than polite. A young girl sits behind an awkward counter blocking a half open door to the back rooms. An empty pot rests beside her, nothing in it except dry dirt and a wooden dowel to support the faded idea of a flower.

She’s a young thing, barely old enough to be working a counter and certainly not old enough to be working this late. Her eyes are cold and bored; it is the vacant stare reserved only for those in that obnoxious stage of teenhood where their minds possess the singular thought that they amongst all others know everything but can’t be bothered to share any of it.

“Busy day, eh?” I ask. It’s a lame attempt to liven the mood.

She’s duly unimpressed.

“Not here, no.”

“That your car out front?”

“I don’t have my licence yet.”

“It’s a guest’s then?”

“The hotel doesn’t have guests anymore.”

She keeps that dead stare and, though those empty eyes rest solely in a young thing’s face, I can’t help but shift beneath them. The floor creaks with my weight as I search for an unassuming route of enquiry.

“A co-worker’s then?”

She doesn’t reply.

“Look, I just want to talk to whoever drives that Volkswagen in your lot.”

She shakes her head, a few strands of dirty brown hair falling loose. She adjusts them before she speaks.

“There’s no car in the lot.”

I try not to grit my teeth.

“Yes, there is.”

“There isn’t.”

I look out the window. Even with the lacy curtains, I can still see the outline of the car sitting plain as day in front of the hotel. God damn kids.

“Look, it’s really important that I speak to the driver of that vehicle. So, either you tell me who it is or I’m going to knock on each of these doors until I find whoever brought it here.”

I wave my hand down the side hall where the guest rooms clearly lie. She shakes her head but says nothing more, looking down to the faded pages of a book behind the counter.

“Fine then!”

I turn but have only taken three steps before I hear that telltale thrum of an engine igniting. I look out the window to see the vehicle’s lights angling towards the street.

She doesn’t even look up as I wrench open the door and burst into the night.

I fumble my keys, half distracted watching the Volkswagen pull away. A light fog is rolling in from the sea and I’m just slamming the door as the first tendrils wrap about my car. The engine stutters several times.

Not now. Not today.

“Come on!”

But even as the car shakes to life, I know I’m already too late. The wheels squeal as I spin onto the road and tear down the street. I’m looking down every side lane as I pass but there’s nothing here now–only fog and darkness.

I circle Maryhill’s main road twice. It’s not that large. But there’s no sign of the Volkswagen. It’s like it wasn’t there at all. My stomach’s growling by the time I give up.

I have to pass the hotel on the way out of the village. I restrain myself from raising my finger. It’s not like she’d see it anyway.

47 Blunders

Well, here’s a bit of an outdated movie review. However, while waiting for my family to arrive for dinner, I ended up watching 47 Ronin from 2013. I don’t recall hearing about this movie but I was more surprised to find out that it had such a low rotten tomatoes and metacritic rating. The movie wasn’t that bad.

And this is coming from me!

Seriously, I don’t know why this was received so poorly. Ok, it’s not the most brilliant piece of media to hit the screens. Also, I saw it for free with absolutely zero idea of what the hell it was. So, going in with no expectations and not spending a dime on it, I thought it was fine. It’s not perfect nor am I running out to buy the DVD but, I mean, Pixels has a 17% rating for crying out loud! Granted, I haven’t seen Pixels but then again I’d have to be an idiot to think Adam Sandler is ever going to make a movie worth seeing.

Accessed from http://images.entertainment.ie/images_content/rectangle/620x350/47ronin-costumes620350.jpg

47 Ronin belongs to Carl Rinsch, H2F Entertainment, Universal Studios and whatever other unlucky fools want to make a claim on it.

And 47 Ronin is watchable. Not sure if it’s worth seeing, mind you. But if you see it, it’s not totally horrible.

Let’s begin with what it did right. Visually, this movie is really well done. The costumes and set design are fantastic. It’s a visual feast first and foremost. Even more than that, the visuals are incredibly good at creating a setting. This isn’t just Japan we’re looking at but a fantastical feudal Japan if the stories of myth and legend had actually occurred. In this vein, it’s more akin to Lord of the Rings or Beowulf. It’s squarely in the fantastical genre and plays with those supernatural elements and makes them interesting.

I think what I liked most about its visual execution was that it truly immersed you in a different world. Too much of western fantasy is rooted in medieval Europe with all its tropes that it’s stolen from Lord of the Rings acting as crutches and short hands to push a mirror copy of dwarves and elves upon the audience. 47 Ronin, by its nature, can’t follow this route since it doesn’t have any of the cultural underpinnings of Lord of the Rings. It explores its witches and demons in a different direction and this breathes some wonderful fresh air into standard character archetypes like the witch. Rinko Kikuchi is positively spellbinding, bringing a crazed sort of elegance to her character that makes the transition between her actions on camera into the wispy CGI of her spells near seamless.

And talk about those vistas. In Lord of the Rings inspired panoramic shots, 47 Ronin conjures a mystical image of Japan where great statues of Buddha are carved in the faces of mountains along paths old and forgotten. Fallen giant Buddha heads house strange Tengu demons who are such a different reimagining of the folklore avian/human hybrids. Of course, there’s a fair amount of pulling on eastern kung fu tropes in the film and none of these fantasy epics wouldn’t be complete without visiting vast bamboo forests or Japanese castles. Expect plenty of cherry blossoms popping up regardless of the season.

Accessed from http://www.martincuff.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/47-Ronin-5.jpgI think, more than anything else, the amount of appreciation shown in a Hollywood production for another culture is what took me by surprise. The vast majority of the cast are Japanese actors, which makes sense for a movie that can only take place in Japan. The small details like the Tengu’s bird-like shows that someone on the production was doing research to evoke a sense of a mythical Japan. But this wasn’t just for some element of exploitative exoticism. The central conflict surrounding the Bushido discipline and adherence to honour as well as the feudal’s restrictions on class interactions played with those historic ideas both pulling on its idealisms while also raising elements of it as problematic. I felt the treatment allowed the viewer to enjoy the sense of another time and place while creating enough friction and undesirable elements to not sweep away the issues that it was glamorizing either. It’s a more balanced perspective than one I’d come to expect from outsiders, which is an unfortunate expectation that’s required when dealing with Hollywood.

Course, this is Hollywood still. Keanu Reeves is the Tom Cruise in Last Samurai problem. Granted, they try to play him up as half-Japanese, half-European in an attempt to have their incongruous cake and eat it too. It never stops being weird or shoehorned especially since he’s pushed as the primary love interest for Daimyo Asano’s daughter. It’s irksome that studios feel it necessary to insert some sort of European character under the pretence that western audiences won’t be able to sympathize or be engaged with the struggles of others. It’s either racist or condescending and neither perspective is encouraging. It’s not like they use his trumped up heritage to any great effect either since his major character struggle surrounds his class rather than his “demon blood.”

Granted, those Tengu sword moments are damn entertaining to watch.

So why did this movie flop so hard? On one hand, I can see it being considered somewhat slow. When compared to something like The Man with the Iron Fists, there’s certainly a more plodding tone taken here. I don’t think you could do 47 Ronin quite as over the top and, honestly, I felt the slow pace rather reflected classic movies in this genre like Seven Samurai.

Accessed from http://screenrant.com/wp-content/uploads/47-ronin-freak-poster.jpg

Course, this could be telling for why the movie didn’t do so well. This character is in one scene with one line and he has his own poster?!

On the other hand, I’m not certain if the base story really fit with the overall aesthetic. 47 Ronin is based on a historical event and the movie most certainly is not historical in any stretch of the imagination. I can see where people familiar with the story and events around it would be annoyed with the judicious amounts of artistic licencing on display. On the other hand, with how often this story has been retold and re-imagined, does it really matter how accurate of a portrayal it is? How can one criticize this production of 47 Ronin for being historically inaccurate but not criticize any other Chuushingura production. At some point, details are going to be altered, motivations and characters will be changed or dropped to better adapt history to the film or stage. No single piece of media will ever accurately address a historic event. Look at all the various movies covering World War II and how drastically they portray the events. There’s not really a lot of people up in arms when Inglorious Basterds or Captain America portray obviously fantastical characters or elements into these events.

I can’t help but feel that, had this story taken a more Lord of the Rings direction, it would have been better. Use mythology and historical events to inspire a story but divorce that story from people’s expectations so it can live on its own merits. If someone familiar with the 47 Ronin story sees this, all the deviations from the traditional mythos is more likely to be grating than interesting. But there’s nothing about the original story itself that couldn’t be lifted. It’s basically a story of conflict between a samurai’s duty to his lord and to the law. Political intrigue transcends stories and worlds. Tolkein’s Middle Earth was crafted from Nordic mythology and I feel that something comparable and trend setting could be made by using the same method but the rich cultural history of Japan.

Alternatively, we could just make an honest 47 Ronin movie as well. Cut Keanu, cut all the fantasy stuff and just do as best a movie as one can about the historical event (with the obvious expectation that some liberties will be necessary). I’d be happy with that too.

Meta the Meta

I enjoy competitive gaming. Perhaps to an odd degree. I’ve certainly listened to my fair share of “How can you enjoy watching people play games?” as though it’s a foreign concept in a time when FIFA, NBA, NHL and a whole slew of other acronyms are raking in billions of dollars from people watching others “just play a game.” I mean, there’s over $25 billion in revenue for 2014 just between the NFL, MLB and NBA alone. That’s silly. Sillier than me watching some people play Dota or Netrunner. Also, Dota and Netrunner have the benefit of not being dead boring to watch (for me, obviously).

Accessed from https://boardgamegeek.com/camo/a417ae22bf85b69b670b516cce78ff46cf46fd03/687474703a2f2f312e62702e626c6f6773706f742e636f6d2f2d65714330434c4b666c61732f5567496f483461436e6d492f41414141414141414134512f6f6d7135347272436847412f73313630302f4e657472756e6e65722b43616e64432b66756c6c2e4a5047

Netrunner belongs to Fantasy Flight, Wizards of the Coast and whoever else.

Anyway, long and the short of it, I enjoy watching people play these games that I enjoy playing myself. They’re a nice replacement for when I can’t play–whether I’m doing work, I’m not in the mood or I can’t get an opponent to play against. It also has the added bonus of improving my own play through observing those better than me and analyzing what makes their behaviour more successful than mine.

It’s one way that the Internet and technology are changing our lives in subtle ways. Way back when I was but a wee little lad and I was playing something like Magic: The Gathering, there wasn’t really an online community dedicated to creating the best decks and quibbling over the finer points of the game’s minutia in order to determine which cards are the best or which strategy is the most prominent. Or, maybe there was and the simple fact that modem Internet chewed up the phone line and was necessarily limited in use prevented me from knowing of these communities.

There’s a bit of nostalgia in how hopelessly naive my friends and I were in that time. We didn’t really have any idea of what we were doing when we created our decks. I know I just put my favourite cards together and hoped for the best. I remember my mind being blown when one of my friends explained basic concepts like land distribution and the ratios that one should have when creating their deck. Now, I see Jeremy’s nephews and they have these combo decks in their hot little hands that would have never occurred to me back in that day.

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Dota 2 belongs to Valve and Icefrog and whoever.

And I’m not buying that they didn’t have some help in creating them whether that was online research or purchasing pre-built decks from the distributors. That said, my friends and I didn’t need really strong decks. Our opponents were each other. Losing a game carried no stakes and if we wanted another round, we’d just annoy our partner to play again.

When you add a competitive environment like a tournament to the mix, it’s only natural to expect things to change. I’m not really a tournament player–I don’t have the time or inclination to practice for such things–but watching them can be fun, as I’ve mentioned. One of the more interesting elements of tournament play is the discussion that rises around them. People debate why their favourites lost or why certain players are doing better than others. Often times this focuses on elements of the game: for deck builders it’s a discussion over the colour or faction they chose and for Dota it’s the heroes which were picked and banned. This naturally drifts the focus of the discussion away from individual decision making and plays and more on the elements of the game itself. Did Secret lose because they picked underpowered heroes? Why don’t we see more Criminal IDs being played in tournaments?

Everyone, of course, has an opinion. Whether these are good or accurate opinions are another matter. Perhaps one of my guilty pleasures is reading people desperately try and explain the current Dota 2 draft environment. It’s really fascinating to find all these individuals who are 100% certain the reasons for why teams generally drift to a consistent pool of about 20 or so heroes. Invariably, these reasons always break down into “This hero is overpowered and this one is underpowered.” Then, of course, the pool will change over the next two months and even if there wasn’t a balance patch people are right in there explaining away why the previous top picks aren’t good anymore and clearly the new top picks have been so strong all along.

There’s a game about the game, essentially. It’s a metagame. And, while entertaining, it’s kind of useless.

Alright, that’s not accurate. It’s a potential pitfall that can lead to groupthink and dominating philosophies based on spurious foundations. With games as complex as Dota 2 or Netrunner, you’re going to have imbalances in design. It’s inevitable. However, I find that people tend to over-exaggerate these differences. Something that is slightly more effective quickly becomes “OMG Valve, nerf this filthy shit!” Something that isn’t performing as well as it did before turns into “What the hell Fantasy Flight? How can you just kick Criminals to the curb?!” And while balance is an important goal to strive for, I’m always of the opinion that we need far more data than we usually have before we can categorically claim something is “too weak” or “too powerful.” Most of the time, they’re not.

Accessed from http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/i8xptifmmdylpmf6tzgp.jpgThe other pitfall of metagame discussion is wholly ignoring the effect of trends. I’m more familiar with this in Dota 2, having seen the same cycle repeat over the last four years. As I’m learning Netrunner and following it’s tournament scene closer, I’m noticing the same things coming up again and again. Certain archetypes have arisen to the top of the pile and you see them played over and over again at tournaments. These decks are basically “known successes” and when you’re playing for stakes you’re more apt to adopt something that you know has worked before than utilize something that hasn’t been tried.

Which is fine and logical. We can fairly safely say that these decks are “good.” What we can’t say is that the other decks, the decks that aren’t being played, are “bad.” There’s a massive fallacy here, especially amongst people who aren’t even in tournaments, to assume that because a professional isn’t playing it must mean that it’s bad. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The only way this would be accurate would be if the professionals had tested all these unplayed archetypes in competitive environments and found they underperformed. If anyone thinks this is actually what happens, then they’re sorely mistaken.

Professional do experiment, of course. In Dota 2 it’s quite common to see teams pick up a new hero in less important tournaments, whether they are ones with weaker opponents or lower prize pools where there is less on the line. If something works, you can watch it slowly spread from one team into the next until it becomes dominant. If it doesn’t, then it’s hand waved away as being “obviously bad.” But there’s a problem with this system. If it’s a new hero or strategy and it fails it might not be due to the strategy being bad. It could be that the players are simply unfamiliar or unexperienced with the strategy and not playing it to its fullest. The most obvious example of this is the disproportionate use of Io amongst western teams compared to eastern teams. Three years ago, Io was considered a trash hero by the eastern teams that only punished poor players who made mistakes. It was completely ignored by eastern drafters believing that they were playing in a style that could not capitalize on these perceived “mistakes.” Western teams, on the other hand, treated Io as a first pick/first ban hero that had to be addressed in either game because it had such a huge impact on how the game unfolded. And, lo and behold, when the International rolled around and east met west, the eastern teams were wrecked by this hero that they so quickly dismissed.

Furthermore, professional players have a very obvious and very consistent behaviour of jumping on trends. When they see a team being successful with a strategy, they’re often very quick to try and adopt that strategy themselves. This is coming to light more and more as professional players share their experiences at these tournaments with their fans. After this year’s International, some players were explaining that, no matter what they practice leading up to the tournament, drafting invariably changes as one team may arrive with a strategy that no one else anticipates and wipes the floor with it leaving every other team trying to desperately copy it. This is because it’s a lot easier to sit and analyze a strategy and how it works than to try and counter it especially if you don’t have the time to run these counter strategies in a practice environment. CDEC led the way this year in setting a very strict set of heroes that everyone had to play because if they got those heroes, they just rolled over their opponents who were so unused to the very early and consistent pressure that they applied. In prior years we saw a similar trend with Vici Gaming and Newbee’s fast push strategy or Alliances incredibly disruptive split pushing strategy.

Accessed from http://cdn3.vox-cdn.com/assets/4730970/ss_2a951d65c6084004dcdc292d4944c0fb4a059624.1920x1080.jpgDoes this mean that these approaches are the best for winning the game? Not necessarily. They’re just what’s popular now. There could be something even more effective that is simply not being played.

So where is the innovation?

Generally, it comes from the new faces. It’s the teams with the lowest expectations and the lowest fanfare that have such dominant impacts on the metagame. I can only assume that they, free from the expectations of performing well and slipping beneath the radar of their opponents leading up to the competition can pull out strange and unexpected tactics. Really, they have the least to lose since they’re not expected to beat the top teams who have been following the current meta strategies for so long.

So, really, us casuals can brush off our Criminal IDs. We can continue drafting the Jakiros and Ogre Magis. We’re the ones that can play goofy ideas. You never know, you might stumble across something that everyone else has been ignoring as they chase the latest trend. We don’t need to win tournaments and even if we were to show up to them, we’d be so unlikely to win that we have nothing to lose by throwing down The Professor and having our opponent start confused. There’s a comfort in playing something that’s known to succeed but there’s also a comfort in playing against it. So don’t think that just because it’s good, it’s the best. Because there’s always something better.

Say U.N.C.L.E.

Yesterday I saw Guy Ritchie’s The Man from U.N.C.L.E.  Today I shall give my impressions:

See Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation instead.

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The Man from U.N.C.L.E. belongs to Ritchie/Wigram Productions, Davis Entertainment, Warner Bros. Pictures and whoever else.

If you’ve been keeping up with my jaunts to the theatre, you’ll know that I was rather lukewarm towards Rogue Nation. The story was loosely hamstrung together. The first half was incredibly weak. Character motivations were sorely lacking and the best part of the film was hopelessly spoiled by the studio’s own marketing.

For some bizarre reason, I had high hopes that The Man from UNCLE would be different. I’m not certain why. Perhaps it’s a plaguing persistence of optimism. Maybe I’m just that desperate for some decent action/spy-thriller release. I mean, the name isn’t the most elegant for a movie/series/franchise. What is UNCLE? Why is there only one man from it when clearly there are two main characters working together? Could they have possibly shoehorned in a female role more awkwardly than Alicia Vikander’s Gaby?

Actually, scratch that. If you’re bored, I’d suggest you watch both films as on reflection they’re basically the same thing but you can see where one woefully fails whereas the other… well Rogue Nation is still a middling production but still you can note the stark difference between them.

Anyway, as a succinct summation of my feelings towards The Man from UNCLE, I felt it was a rather poor movie that struggled to find any sort of interest or engagement with its audience through boring and two-dimensional characterization, dull plotting, rote action beats made confusing by a film maker’s signature style applied haphazardly and without any sort of integration with the greater piece. If Rogue Nation was riddled with missed opportunities for jokes and levity then UNCLE is so far from the mark that it might as well be a needle jettisoned amongst the stars.

Eh, that metaphor sucks but not quite as much as the movie.

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Can I just say that Napoleon Solo is one of the most tragic names for a person let alone someone trying to be a suave thief?

So, where did things go so wrong?

First, I’m not certain Guy Ritchie is the best director for established franchises. I don’t know if he has studio executives breathing down his neck or what but I find that when he’s playing with someone else’s material, its flaws always glare brighter than its strengths. His Sherlock movies were troublesome. While I can appreciate the different direction and tone he used, as a fan of Doyle’s original work I couldn’t get how very little of the elements of what the made the original character and stories great in them. I would have probably appreciated the effort more if he had just made up some new characters and could have explored them without any concern for making enough references that those characters retained some amount of recognizability. His best movies that I’ve seen–Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels–were successful because Ritchie was able to mix in the crassness that seems so tied to the sole of his endeavours. Those characters aren’t “clean” by any Hollywood definition and the fact he can have a villain beat someone with a rubber dildo makes the strange and surreal choreography add to this strangely artistic nightmare that Ritchie films invoke. When you remove these bizarre elements from the characters and world, however, it simply makes his filming technique feel like a gimmick and one that’s more distracting than not. The best example of this is whenever an action beat started in UNCLE, we got multiple frames over-layed at once in a format that looks like a comic book spread. There’s very little to organize this mess but there’s also no benefit from creating confusion in the audience either. It lacks a thematic or character driven reason and so it mostly comes across as obnoxious.

Accessed from http://cdn3-www.comingsoon.net/assets/uploads/2015/06/UNCLEbar6401.jpgAnd that’s probably the biggest issue with UNCLE. Unlike Rogue Nation, Guy Ritchie doesn’t really do the big spectacle, set-piece kind of film. Outside of his distinctive filming technique, there isn’t a lot of visual marvel to enjoy. So when there’s an incredibly weak plot, the last pillar you can balance your movie on is character. And this ties back to Ritchie clean characters are really boring.

I can tell that Armie Hammer and Henry Cavill are trying to work their lines. It’s just that there’s absolutely nothing to work here. Cavill is playing a personality-less womanizer. He’s James Bond without anything British to his name. Perhaps if this were played as a satire of how shallow James Bond is, it could work. When it’s played straight and even less engaging than the real deal, however, we’ve got a major problem. Hammer is an angry Russian. Their interplay is about as boring as their character description. The romantic subplot between the Russian and the German mechanic is also painfully cliched that even if they pulled it off it with any sort of skill it would have still remained a weak point of the film. At least, once again, Rogue Nation had the decency to not shove a romance between old man Cruise and Ferguson–tease it as they might.

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I can’t be the only one amused that the British actor is playing an American, the American actor is playing a Russian and a Swede is a German. It’s just a wonderful nationality blend.

The banter between the leading men is so painfully devoid of anything, however. The major arc of development–two rivals coming to rely on each other to succeed–is so poorly executed even ignoring how tired of a plot it is. What I found most surprising was the chemistry between them was inert. In the Sherlock Holmes films, there’s at least a charming tension between Downing and Law. It was really… awkward for that pair given the source material of the story but had they basically lifted it wholesale into this film it would have fit like a glove. Instead, we have Cavill playing an American Robot and Hammer spending most of his time trying to not drop his Russian accent whenever he’s doing his best cocaine addict hand waver.

If ever there was a perfect example for the importance of good writing, I think UNCLE would be a prime candidate. It’s clear that no matter how hard the actors try, they can’t save a script so lacking in story or heart. Ritchie’s direction is woefully in-adequate in hiding the boring writing beneath his heavy style and flair. It’s only a pity that writing quality is so unnoticed and undervalued that this major issue will either be misdiagnosed or simply swept under the rug. Then we can enjoy the same cycle when a studio executive attempts to revive another long past intellectual property in the hopes of snagging some quick bucks.

A World of Competition

Yes, this is another Dota 2 post.

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Dota 2 belongs to Valve and whatnot. The International I’d like to think belongs to us all.

I give my yearly impressions of the premier competitive event for a video game. Before, it probably seemed like a quaint little commentary on a budding hobby. But, really, I’m not certain we can truly consider this a small time thing anymore. For one, the prize pool for this International was over 18 million dollars. Eighteen million. That’s a lot of hats.

For pointless rivalry, that’s 16 million more than Riot Game’s League of Legends. But don’t worry, they’re future proofing their competitive league. Certainly, this furore for Dota 2 will abate. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t almost double from last year’s 10 and a bit. Which, to be fair, was insanity considering TI3 only had 2.8 million for it’s prize pool. Could this be a flash in the pan? I suppose. But two years in a row is a little surprising and, more than that, Valve is a very savvy developer and it’s hard to argue when the fan base is more than willing to throw money at this competition.

And why shouldn’t we be?

In case you aren’t aware how the International prize pool works, Valve sets the base prize every year at 1.6 million dollars. From there, everything else is contributed by fans through purchases of merchandise related to the event. Primary amongst these is the Compendium: a digital program with information about the event, teams and location. As this is a digital book–and part of a digital game–the compendium offers a number of interactive elements. You can vote for your favourite team and player, create your own all-star team and submit your most wanted for the goofy match which shares its namesake, make predictions of heroes picked and banned throughout the event along with other statistics and much more. The program is priced at ten dollars. Which, if you’re playing Dota 2, doesn’t seem that grave an investment given that the game is free. This is the first year I bought one, the prior two I was graciously gifted them, but even if I had bought all three that would mean I’ve spent a grand total of $30 on this game over three years. Considering that games, on average, launch for $60-70 in Canada, I have a few more to support before I even reach a point of overspending on this game.

From these compendium sales, 25% of the proceeds go towards the prize pool. Even more devious, Valve has released several chests filled with special, limited time hats for the event. Purchasing the chests also adds 25% of their cost to the prize pool. If any other company had been behind this scheme, it would be exploitative but since these hats really do nothing other than provide a vanity item to the game and their quality is rather top notch, it’s hard to fault this method. It’s so simple yet effective that, once again, I’m shocked no other developer has followed suit. Even more, these chests are rather reasonably priced (I suppose) at $2.50 a box. Granted, there’s a gambling element that I’m sure people will be quick to criticize as every chest that’s opened has a chance to hold an additional rarer item but it’s so minor that to complain about it feels more petty than anything else.

And even with all that, it comes packed full of goodies that it’s hard to argue with the value of the compendium itself. If you choose not to spend a single extra dollar outside of that original ten, then you get three immortal items, announcer pack, emoticons, wallpapers, taunts, in-game effects, new map type and courier. Granted, most of this stuff wasn’t assured as they were stretch goals achieved as total compendium sales reached specific milestones. Both years Valve has placed the stretch goals, however, they’ve been reached both times so it’s a moot point right now.

Anyway, all this just means that we have a big prize pool. What I really want to discuss is the competition itself.

Last year’s Internationals was good but there were some elements that detracted from the overall experience. I’m glad that Valve addressed those format issues this time around. This year, every team participated in the main event (instead of half of them being eliminated during the group stages a week before the main event. However, the group stages wasn’t just for setting up seeding in the main event. I liked how they made all the games important for the players. First amongst it was that the top four teams of the two divisions began in the upper bracket. This is a big deal since the first games in the lower bracket were a best of one.

That is a big deal.

Most tournament matches for Dota 2, especially if you’re in the later stages of a tournament, are a best of three. Resting your tournament hopes on a single match is incredibly dicey. Especially since the outcome of a game can be heavily reliant in the first ten minutes of the draft. A surprise hero pick can really turn a game and even a few mistakes can spiral into a crushing defeat. In this way, even the strongest teams can drop matches to much weaker or inconsistent teams. It’s a real dice roll and everyone’s going to be fighting to be out of that position.

It also makes those single matches very intense. And, once again, it’s great to see all sixteen finalist teams at the main event even if it’s just for a single match. The only complaint I have for this setup was that we had the lower bracket games after the upper bracket games. This meant, especially with the delays, some of these high stakes matches occurred well into two to three o’clock in the morning. Unfortunately, it was simply not feasible to catch all these matches.

The rest of the tournament, outside of the finals which was a best of five, were best of three sets. Teams in the upper bracket would drop to the lower with loses but if they won their first match in the upper bracket, then they were assured a top six final position. With this year’s division of the total prize pool, Valve went with a more distributed model. Last year saw the lion’s share of the tournament go to the winners with only the top eight teams really earning any significant portion of the money. This year, every team that got to the International got a piece of the pie and I preferred that. And that covetous top six spot meant that your team would get an excess of 1 million dollars.

I have no problem with every team getting paid for this tournament especially since almost half of them had a gruelling gauntlet to get to the tournament in the first place. Only ten of the teams got a direct invite. Four had to qualify from intense regional tournaments and two had to have a wild card tournament to get into the event. Even more than that, the regional tournaments were open to everyone in the world so there was competition from everywhere. Granted, while every Joe could sign up, the teams that got into the actual regional competition weren’t any real surprises and consisted of familiar professional players that weren’t on an invited team.

I’m really curious to hear more of the Major League that Valve is brewing for next year as well. I get the feeling that they prefer not having the International be an invite only competition though how they’ll make the qualifying process more transparent will be interesting to see. Opening up the competition beyond the twelve or so same faces, however, is really good and this tournament showed why.

Part of the compendium fun is trying to predict who would take the title and who would follow them closely behind. I can safely say that no one has correctly predicted the top six teams for the International 2015. That’s because two of the top six teams came in through the qualifiers. One of those teams came in through the wild card slot.

I would be surprised if anyone, in their wildest dreams, would have imagined CDEC getting into the grand finals. It’s unprecedented. The International has had the wild card before but they were usually eliminated rather quickly in the tournament. This year, however, this team of relatively unknown players simply crushed the competition. They came out of nowhere. And that isn’t an exaggeration. I believe four of them had never participated in a tournament before. The one that had did not win. It was a dream story and so unexpected that Valve didn’t even have any introductory video for them like they did all the other teams–and how could they?

But it wasn’t just CDEC that came out of nowhere. Ehome–while not a new face to the International–was resurrected and got a respectable 5-6th position. Complexity was mostly full of new players coming from Heroes of Newerth and they posted a 9-12th spot. MVP Phoenix snagged a 7-8th spot and won many hearts through March’s roars.

Even better, the grand winners were none other than Evil Geniuses themselves. Not only is this their first International victory but they’re also the first North American team to take the aegis as well. They even managed to maintain the surprisingly accurate tradition of having the tournament pass hands back and forth between eastern and western hands. I’m really happy that there hasn’t been a single team to win the tournament more than once. We haven’t even had a single player win multiple Internationals and no one region dominates the scene. I feel it’s really healthy for the scene to have such a diverse and competitive field. For the fans, you can’t know who is going to take the crown and if you’re a fan of western or eastern style Dota, then you’re going to be happy to see either thrive. Maybe even next year we’ll get a few more regions qualifying. I know South America has been on the cusp of making it and with MVP’s respectable placing maybe we’ll see more from the Koreans.

And with all this, I still haven’t even touched on how much better the actual production of the tournament was. We got more Kaci and her interviews. We had better insights into the players and their situations. The arena looked spectacular and that stage with its special effects were incredible. Deadmaus was kind of… odd as a closing celebration but at that point, most of us were simply ready for bed so whatever.

Accessed from http://cdn.dota2.com/apps/dota2/images/blogfiles/ti5blogimage_full.jpgIt’s great that Valve is still learning and improving with the tournament and it just keeps getting better and better. It’s hard not to keep interest when everything that was good is even greater than before. We’ll be entering into the post-TI slump were pretty much the entire scene takes a much needed break but hopefully we’ll hear what this new Majors system is going to be soon since it’s going to start shortly. And that’ll give teams very little time to do their team shuffle (which I hope leads to more stability which is still the one element sorely lacking).

It’s never been better to be into Dota.

Mission Improbable: Middling Production

The worst thing about movies that are middle of the road is how very little there is to comment on them. I’ve just seen the new Mission Impossible and it’s neither good nor bad. It’s the Schroedinger’s Cat of action-spy movies. It’s basically the white noise of day-to-day living. I was not offended or irate with squandered potential while watching it nor was I so enraptured that a gorilla could have broken into the theatre and danced before the screen without me noticing.

It’s standard. It’s banal. It’s safe. It is a movie which exists and one that I had watched. It’s one that within a few weeks time I’ll have wholly forgotten and it makes writing about it even now an ever increasingly difficult task as its nuances and pieces disappear like a humdrum dream before waking.

So what can I say of it? Well, let’s start with the good. I love spy movies and I enjoy action. I have no qualms about a mixture of science fiction into these genres as I’m an avid James Bond fan despite recognizing that most of them are pretty rubbish. Mission Impossible has never really gone through the tonal shifts that the Bond franchise has faced and thus it’s campiness is somewhat expected at this point. I’m prepared for that and it doesn’t phase me one bit.

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Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation has silly punctuation in its title that I don’t adhere to and belongs to Paramount Pictures, Bad Robot Productions, Christopher McQuarrie and a bunch of others.

Perhaps the most surprising element of Rogue Nation is just how good Rebecca Ferguson is. More to the point, the handling of her character–Ilsa Faust–is surprisingly well handled. We’re in 2015, so it really shouldn’t be necessary to applaud a female representation in a movie that is both as capable and complex as the leading male. In many ways, Ilsa is a more interesting character than Ethan Hunt who, after four prior Mission Impossible movies has about as much character development left in him as Sean Connery in Never Say Never Again. In fact, I would have placed Ilsa as the most compelling element of the movie if her role hadn’t been so blatantly spoiled in the pre-showing marketing blitz that ruins and sort of ambiguity which the script writer and direct strove agonizingly to achieve. However, she doesn’t really get into any situations that necessitate Tom Cruise to come swinging in to her rescue nor does she fall head over heels in love with him either by the end credit crawl. We’re in Mad Max: Fury Road territory with this type of character and not only is it refreshing but it’s also surprisingly comfortable as well. It never once comes across as weird or contrived that a woman can be just as effective as a spy or a character. There isn’t any fanfare or grand standing over it. Ilsa is just a woman that happens to be damn good at her job and nothing more.

Funny that.

Outside of Ferguson’s portrayal, what else was there good about the movie? It had a number of excellent set pieces that, as contained events, were well executed. The primary beat is the opera scene. There’s a wonderful balance between executing a covert operation while juggling between the action between two characters while still building tension through the masterful weaving of the increasing drama on the stage. I’d say this scene was really stand-out if it didn’t join a oddly long list of good opera scenes in otherwise unremarkable to bad movies.

Seriously, what is it about the opera? Quantum of Solace’s only really interesting scene was at the opera. Downing Jr.’s Sherlock Holmes had a good opera scene as well in that otherwise atrocious sequel. Hell, even video games have really well crafted opera moments as in Final Fantasy VI. I can’t help but feel that this conceit is the film version of photographing flowers: impossible to screw up.

The opera aside, however, there was a good Morocco chase scene and heist beat that worked quite well. Oddly enough, Rogue Nation has the opposite issue as the preceding Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Whereas the previous film had an incredibly engaging beginning and utterly dreadful second half, Rogue Nation starts off as a snore and gradually picks up into being half decent by the end.

So that about sums up the good. What about the bad?

Well, it’s kind of boring.

And this is why I struggle with Rogue Nation. Sitting and analysing it is a rather difficult task. Not because I can’t pinpoint its flaws. Outside of Ilsa Faust, there’s woefully little interesting characterization amongst the primary IMF squad and its supporting characters. Simon Pegg and the others feel too much like they’re going through the motions and Alec Baldwin and the whole “going rogue” story arc adds nothing to the story. Even the quips are rather feeble and few as though the writers simply could not think of anything good to set up. The antagonist’s plot makes very little sense with Solomon Lane receiving inadequate attention until the last act of the movie and by then there’s been far too much contradictory behaviour to really pull together the muddied justifications for all the scenes leading up to it. Generally speaking, criticism of why something doesn’t work takes far longer than praising things that do, so I’m not going to quibble over all the little details for why Rogue Nation falls apart.

No, more than anything I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of deja vu while watching the film. Rogue Nation felt very much like Skyfall, both in its successes and failures. In noticing the similar issues, I couldn’t help but reflect on the genre as a whole. And I’ve mentioned before how the spy genre has been sort of teetering on irrelevancy for awhile but its only with Rogue Nation that I feel we begin to see why.

The face of the world has changed. The spy genre essentially was born as artistic propaganda during the Cold War when a battle was fought without tanks and soldiers. All that espionage and covert missions made sense in a world where enemies were smuggling missiles into ideologically antagonistic neighbouring nations and threatening things like a mutually assured destruction with nuclear warheads. We had an atmosphere were two super powers were butting heads in as roundabout a method as possible. They were akin to fencers, poking and prodding for a weakness in their opponent’s defence but too worried that full committal to a forward assault would leave both of them eliminated upon the other’s sword.

And then the Cold War ended but not through sabotage or heroic warfare that could be milked for untold number of war stories. No, the Cold War ended with the incredibly boring and film unfriendly collapse of an economy.

This has left a rather large void in the espionage genre. That ideological battle between America and the Soviet Union was far too easy to distil down into distinct sides. You had the “Good” and “Democratic” versus the “Evil” and “Communistic.” Very little nuance was afforded in these situations. Look at James Bond. All the opponents he face are irrevocably evil. More than that, their aims are always the same–to take over the world. This encapsulates the fear of the Cold War: of the ideology of socialism and communism defeating capitalism and democracy. As one side, it was so much easier to paint the other in shallow, broad strokes. The Russians became synonymous with evil. Western powers and America were inherently good.

But politics have changed and things aren’t so easy now. The troubles we face are harder to so easily dismiss with a wave of our hand. Our enemies aren’t great, unified super powers. They’re underground cells. They’re rebel forces. They’re misguided or brainwashed individuals from poor nations lashing out in all directions. Suddenly, this isn’t two opponents of equal skill. It’s more like a trouble child getting beat up by an adult. Not to mention, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore the potential exploitative motivations of said adult in their meddling of others affairs. Those simple black and whites have become incredibly tangles shades of grey.

You would think this atmosphere would be perfect for spy movies, though. This is the perfect environment for when intelligence networks would be the most useful. You can’t tell clearly who is your enemy and who is not. An ally today could be a rival tomorrow and sometimes you’d have to accumulate debts with historical antagonists in order to accomplish the goals of the present. There’s a wonderful world of nuance and ambiguity that those who “work amongst the shadows” would need to thrive.

Accessed from http://blogs-images.forbes.com/scottmendelson/files/2015/08/mission-impossible-rogue-nation-motorcycle-explosion_1920.0-e1433808025568.jpgAnd yet, these movies don’t work. Skyfall had this problem. Rogue Nation has this problem. I speak specifically of the “going rogue” issue and the question of what the old vanguard divisions serve in a world that has completely flipped the script. Skyfall and Rogue Nation both put their respective main branches up towards a bureaucratic committee sceptical of their need. And both struggle to explore this conceit to any adequate degree.

It isn’t a concept that is undoable, however. I think the issue arises that it’s more a concept that is incompatible with what worked before. Just as the nature of our world has changed, the way we explore espionage in our media has to change with it. Instead, we have these studios trying to cram these old pegs into rusted and warped holes that no longer accommodate them. And I’m not certain that a film can adequately explore this thought. It might be too long for the cinema. It might be too complex.

Because, let’s face it, if you have to chop up half your movie into required chases, explosions and gun fights, you’re not going to be able to do a modern spy story any justice. The action portion of the spy-action genre is really sucking whatever value we could get out. We need simple plots and short hands to communicate how bad the bad guys are so that Ethan Hunt can spend all his time shooting them in the face without there being any messy morality brought in. It’s no wonder that all the villains for the last while have been amorphous, faceless “terrorists” often of an inoffensive variety. The Bourne Trilogy was lucky that it could frame its nemesis as the American CIA itself. But Bond and Hunt haven’t been so blessed and we keep getting more contrived enemies by the day for them to tackle.

At its heart, this genre is a narrative driven one so we need compelling enemies for our heroes to face otherwise the whole package starts to fall apart. Solomon Lane and Raoul Silva tried a similar tactic as Bourne with rogue elements that are the foil to our heroes but ones that have gone bad. Neither ever really get the attention they require to pull off their role, however. As I mentioned Sean Harris doesn’t get any real motivation to his character until the last final scenes and even then it’s never really made clear why he’s doing what he’s doing. Has he decided to go rogue just to be an independent dick? Is he trying to steer the world to a better place but being the decider of where that should be without bureaucratic senators who only care about their tribalistic agendas? Does he just want to make loads of money?

In some regards, Silva in Skyfall worked better because at least it was made abundantly clear that he was in it solely to ruin M. The failings of that movie was not making the whole story built around that motivation and instead wandering amongst a bunch of random set pieces that spent way too much time on Bond without saying anything. And here we are again, in Rogue Nation, watching motorcycles explode and assassinations in theatres without there being any reason, motive or message.

It’s hard to not see these products as the flounderings of ageing executives desperate to strike a relevant cord with its audience and world but being so out of touch that they don’t know what to strike. In a way, they reflect the same general unease and uncertainty that the world faces. They’re looking around desperate for villains but finding only people like them staring back.

There’s an identity crisis here and I feel it’s more telling that the story around the shortcomings of these films is more interesting than the films themselves.

I Made A Thing Part 2

So last week I showed off the second summoner for my custom Summoner Wars faction: the Sylvan Vargath. There were several design goals I hoped to achieve with this deck. I wanted to make a melee focused force that were hyper aggressive but did not rely on free units to score an economy advantage over their opponents. Instead, I wanted to try and create a more expensive troupe that was too tough to kill before they got across the board. Furthermore, I wanted them to balance on a very thin edge by getting a number of bonuses for being wounded even though that brought them closer to death. My final challenge was to wrap all these mechanics in a flavour that gave a wild and dark impression as though the force were fashioned from the rejects and outcasts of a fantasy society.

Andrasteia and her events represented the hard to arrange but powerful if you did concept. A number of her events require very specific triggers before they can occur with, perhaps, the Child of Nyx stealing the show as a powerful one attack, four wound conjuration that has the potential to do up to three wounds every Sylvan Vargath round.

Now we’ll cover the forces that work beneath Andrasteia. Here, the concept of fringe society is really pushed to its limits. And we’ll see the question brought up again and again: what is the price one is willing to pay for power?

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/framex-e.html?file=html/h/haen/satyr.html

Satyr Drinking from Grapes by David de Haen (1597-1622).

Barbaros (1M-2W-2M-Untamed Heart) – 6

Untamed Hearth – When moving this Barbaros, you may move up to 1 additional space. If this Barbaros moved through 3 different spaces this turn, increase its Attack Value by 1.

Ah, the Barbaros. I thought this guy was going to be super underwhelming. It almost falls into the Plaid Hat “one card must be trash in every deck” design. However, the first game my sister played with the Sylvan Vargath abused the hell out of these guys. They are designed to be a 2 melee, 2 wound common for 2 magic. At six in a deck, you’ll be able to reliably find them in any decent amount of draws. But in order for them to be worth their price, these guys have to run otherwise you’re overspending two magic for some rather lackluster stats. In comparison, the Shadow Elf Swordsman is a 2 melee, 1 wound for one magic that can move an additional space. So how are these guys suppose to be any good?

Well, for one you will make them run and having multiple three space moving units hitting for two melee can get bewildering. They can block lanes or threaten summoners are just a slightly larger range. Most importantly, they’re fantastic targets for Andrasteia’s Shroud of the Mother since this can increase their movement by a really impossible to predict amount. Best case scenario is you summon a fresh Barbaros, play Shroud to hop that Barbaros to a unit two spaces in front of a mid-board Andrasteia then run him three more spaces to strike some backliner–preferably the opponent’s summoner. That’s five plus squares that can be achieved by as many Barbaros which qualify for the maneuver.

While I was rather unimpressed with them when creating them, I don’t think I would buff the Barbaros either. Sure, you have to work in order to make him not be an overpriced Guardian Knight but his unassuming stats make him easy for the enemy to ignore. He also needs, on average, three dice to statistically bring down and if you leave him wounded he can threaten a Retribution on his turn before running off and punching some sucker or a wall in the face. Or blocking for Andrasteia and turning into a Child.

Vates (1M-3W-2M-Blasphemous Rites) – 7

Blasphemous Rites – This Vates may move through other Units but must end its turn on an unoccupied space. If wounded, move 1 extra space and roll a die every time this Vates moves through a unit. On a result of 3 or higher, place 1 wound on the passed unit. Otherwise, place 1 wound on this Vates.

Yerp, that’s movement. Here’s two commons at two magic for one attack. But both focus on turning out extra dice through other means. I like the Vates myself, though they have a tendency for blowing themselves up on me than actually throwing out three wounds. Truthfully, it took a long time to create this common and it wasn’t until I decided that I wanted a deck that turned on abilities as its units drew closer to death that I settled on this design. The moving through units was important so a defensive player couldn’t easily block off their summoner from the Sylvan Vargath charge. At three movement, you have to stack your defenders quite deep to keep them out.

It wasn’t until I settled on the design I realized I’d just created a common Satara. And I love Satara and think she’s bonkers. So I added the self wounding for the failed attacks they get when they pass through units. It’s a gamble but one that can be quite painful if you’re lucky. Since the majority of units in Andrasteia’s army are melee, it means that the opponent generally gets to focus their attention at killing each unit one by one and the Vates being incredibly unthreatening without wounds makes them perfect targets for a Child’s range attack. Their three health makes them far harder to focus down in one turn if they’re fresh too. With seven in the deck, they’re kind of the bread and butter of Andrasteia’s forces though, despite my love for them, I find I don’t summon that many in a game.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/framex-e.html?file=html/l/lotto/1/03rossi3.html

Allegory of Virtue and Vice by Lorenzo Lotto (1505).

Hamadryas (3M-3W-4M-Deep Roots) – 5

Deep Roots – Abilities and Events may not exchange or place this Hamadryas or enemy Units adjacent to this Hamadryas. When moving adjacent enemy units, they must move at least 2 clear straight line spaces away from this Hamadryas or they may not move.

This is the reason you don’t see many Vates. There is but one other common with the same stat and that’s the Swamp Orc Savager. Which is a pity because I really like the three attack, three wound line. It makes them hit hard but fall fast. Hamadryas having a confusing ability (sorry about that) which is designed specifically to feed of Andrasteia’s Inescapable Night. So what does it mean? Any enemy beside a Hamadryas gets caught in the tree spirit’s entangling clutches and must spend all of their movement escaping them or face that terrible three melee attack. These are the bodyguards for Andrasteia. Enemy forces trying to skirt around your army to strike your summoner get stuck against these tree spirits and in order to break free have to move out of position from hitting Andrasteia. Even worse, if they’re on the wrong side of the Hamadryas and within Andrasteia’s Night they can’t move at all because they lack the number of movement points to run away.

And this triggers on enemy units. That includes conjurations and summoners! Yes, Andrasteia can lock down an enemy summoner with a Hamadryas and Night. This doesn’t happen that frequently, that 3 wound stat coming in strong here. But given that these spirits are almost always beside Andrasteia, they’re the motivation the Sylvan Vargath outcast needs in order to have souls to entice those Children onto the field. A Hamadryas at one health is still a terrible foe and obstacle and your opponent will rather have the Child flinging wounds on the board than deal with this very effective blocker.

So what’s the downside? Hamadryas can not move with Shroud. Which is for the best as they could have had some crazy combo turns if I had not put this restriction in. However, it’s also a boon as it prevents tricky plays through Silts Cunning, Woeful Brother’s Swift Maneuver or anything else that shifts opponents. However, not all is lost as Hamadryas can be moved by Controllers, Brutes and the like. So Andrasteia has to be mindful that her defence isn’t impenetrable. It’s just very tough. And kind of scary.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/framex-e.html?file=html/l/langetti/marsyas.html

Apollo and Marsyas by Giovanni Batista Langetti (1660).

Lycaon (3M-6W-8M-Cursed Blood) – 1

Cursed Blood – Once per turn, after attacking with Lycaon you may place 2 wounds on an adjacent Sylvan Vargath Unit you control and immediately attack with Lycaon one additional time.

So… yeah. This is a thing.

One of the original weaknesses of the Sylvan Vargath was I intentionally designed them to be poor against enemy champions. The first summoner produced so many wounds against commons that they could cleave through other common focused forces with great ease but a strong, tanky champion like Gror or Krung could really do some damage. I didn’t want to create a silver bullet with the second summoner but since Andrasteia doesn’t create nearly the same attack bonuses as the original summoner, I felt like there should be an option to deal with a single, massive target.

Lycaon is that answer. Six attack is pretty unprecedented. Lycaon can, with some luck, one shot the majority of the game’s summoners. But to do this, you have to maim a unit. Also, eight magic is a massive sink on par with the aforementioned Krung. Only Hellfire Drake is more expensive but there’s no way to reduce the cost of champions in the Sylvan Vargath like there are in the Fallen Kingdom. And you’re only getting six health for that investment as well. He’s probably the most fragile of the highest priced champions. I feel like he’d be rarely played and often for Hail Mary situations.

The other thing to keep in mind is that nothing in this deck is cheap. All the commons cost two or more magic and now they have one of the most expensive champions? There’s some tough magic management built into the Sylvan Vargath which adds an extra layer of complexity to an already complex faction. This is not a beginner deck and Lycaon is perhaps the most straightforward of the three champions.

Still… you can one shot summoners…

Diactoros (1M-6W-6M-Tranquil Envoy) – 1

Tranquil Envoy – When Diactoros is not adjacent to any Unit you control, reduce the Attack Value of all enemy Commons and Champions within 2 spaces of Diactoros by 1. A Unit’s Attack Value may not go below 0 from this ability. 

Alright, I really struggled with pricing this champion. His wording is designed specifically so he doesn’t make the first Sylvan Vargath summoner stupid broken. But since Andrasteia has a bunch of single units running all across the board on their own, keeping them away from the Envoy is pretty easy. So what does Diactoros do? He adds toughness to your army without actually adding health to your units. He shuts down sections of the board, stripping units of their ability to wound your forces.

I won’t lie, I have no idea of this guy is incredibly broken or not. He has a big question mark over him in terms of balance. He almost all but shuts down common play where I feel the majority only have one attack value. At six health, he’s incredibly difficult to bring down as well. The only saving grace is that he has but one attack value so if he does get into a fight with a tough opponent, he’ll probably fold… eventually. The range on his ability is also very strict because, once again, I’m unsure if it is even suitable for Summoner Wars or not. I think he hit the table once during our few playtests which is why I’m so unsure of him.

I do like the theme I built around him, however. He’s like the Sylvan Vargath peace ambassador that just happens to be bombing around the area when Andrasteia attacks. He’s not really part of her forces (he loses his ability if beside an ally) but all he wants to do is spread peace and tranquility so he doesn’t really interfere either. Just another outcast of society trying to change the world the best he can.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/framex-e.html?file=html/g/gervex/satyr.html

Satyr and Bacchant by Henri Gervex (1852-1929).

The Horned Priest (2M-4W-4M-Presence of Cernunnos) – 1

Presence of Cernunnos – Instead of attacking with The Horned Priest you may target an adjacent wounded Common Sylvan Vargath Unit you control. The target Unit may move up to 2 spaces and attack with an additional 1 Attack Value. If it fails to kill an enemy unit, place 1 wound on it.

So we’ve gone from one of the most expensive champions to one of the cheapest. This is my idea of a hard “support” champion. Despite being a champion, The Horned Priest has statistics akin to a common unit. So what does he offer?

Well quite a bit, actually. And that’s partly because I discovered he was super over-priced the first iteration I did. Originally, he just let another common attack a second time with a free move but to give up his attack to do this proved to be incredibly useless. But with the additional 1 to the attack value, things get more interesting. First, he can push those Barbaros into their Untamed Heart territory through that extra movement. They can then be three attacks at over five spaces! He can make those Hamadryas suddenly hit for four dice. Wounded Vates can pass through even more enemies. He does something for every single common that he shouldn’t ever be a bad choice no matter what your board state is. Furthermore, he can hang in the back, constantly propelling units forward with two additional movement, encouraging them again and again to draw more and more blood for his mysterious unspoken deity.

Oh, and did I mention that he turns Vates Rites on if they fail to get kills so even if your target whiffs you’re still getting a bonus? And he opens up that boosted Barbaros or Hamadryas for a Retribution if they’re not killed on the opponent’s turn?

Suddenly, spending the four magic on him doesn’t seem so bad.

The one downside is that he only triggers adjacent enemies so placement does get tricky. But you aren’t forced to move his target so Vates and Barbaros can still hit for a decent two attack and protect the priest at the same time. And he turns Hamadryas bodyguards into little murder machines. He’s not really a game changer like most champions are, however, but I feel that plays better into a common focused deck. Your commons are suppose to steal the show and the Horned Priest gives them all the spotlight to shine.

And this is why I’m reluctant to improve the Barbaros even further. The deck really needs to take together all its pieces and, while on a card-to-card basis it may be weaker to similar offerings in other factions, as a whole it brings a whole lot more to the table. I think this is the direction to design a faction. Fill it with pieces that all work together so that a player is reluctant to deck build them out. While I have a reinforcement pack designed, I don’t know what I would replace. I would certainly experiment with some of the new pieces but it does leave a difficult question of what I remove for the new toys. This is in stark contrast to other factions like the Sand Goblins where you’re more than happy to drop all those useless Scavengers from your list as soon as possible.

So how does this deck fare? Honestly, it has lost more games in testing than it’s won. Granted, it has a small sample size and, more importantly, its facing decks that we’re far more familiar playing. It has a rather high skill ceiling for the game, however. More importantly, it’s fun and I can’t help but grin every time I pull off a new trick even if it doesn’t win me the match.