Author Archives: Kevin McFadyen

About Kevin McFadyen

Kevin McFadyen is a world traveller, a poor eater, a happy napper and occasional writer. When not typing frivolously on a keyboard, he is forcing Kait to jump endlessly on her bum knees or attempting to sabotage Derek in the latest boardgame. He prefers Earl Gray to English Breakfast but has been considering whether or not he should adopt a crippling addiction to coffee instead. Happy now, Derek?

The Good Bad

Making a movie is difficult. Making a good movie is really difficulty. And making a good “bad movie” is an art in-of-itself.

This past weekend was the Great Digital Film Festival which, I can only assume, was an initiative started by Cineplex Odeon Cinema to try and shore up some extra sales during that post Christmas lull where nothing but movies expected to die are released and most the populace is either recovering from holiday feast induced comas or are desperately trying to keep to their optimistic New Year’s resolutions until the end of the month when it’ll seem less pathetic when they invariably give them up.

How’s that for an opening sentence?

The Digital Film festival is filled with old cult classics–presumably because cult hits are the only type of film apt to still draw viewers years or even decades after release. I’m sure there’s some sort of commentary somewhere in there about the disposable entertainment of our generation and how art is meant to be immediately consumed and forgotten in an never ending pursuit of the latest big releases from our dominant industry overlords. We’re on the precipice here for some good, old fashioned futuristic dystopia with the way our tastes are dictated to us but, alas, this is probably just a moment of “old man yells at clouds.”

Mostly, I want to say that I saw Big Trouble in Little China this weekend. And I had fun.

Accessed from http://bitterempire.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/big-trouble-in-little-china.jpg

Big Trouble in Little China belongs to John Carpenter, 20th Century Fox, SLM Production Company and many more.

Yes, me. Yes, fun. It was as unexpected an event as world peace or a tasty English meal. Now this isn’t to say Big Trouble is a fantastic movie that everyone must see and totally a forgotten masterpiece that changes lives. It’s stupid fun but not the sort of “stupid fun” that I complain about in pretty much every other single release that hits the screens.

See, Big Trouble in Little China is a “bad movie.” By all reasonable measurements, it fails in every category worth discussing. It has undeveloped characters. It has a nonsensical plot fill with enormous holes. It has terrible special effects and awful cinematography. Its dialogue is oft-times incomprehensible. But unlike so many other movies, this is done intentionally. This was a beast of a movie made solely to be “bad.” And it is. And it’s great.

It reminds me of the type of comedy movie that I enjoyed as a child (and given the age of the movie itself–released in 1986–it’s probably made in that style). I’m thinking of the Leslie Nielsen pictures of yesteryear. The Airplanes and Naked Guns and whatnot. These movies were all parodies, deriving their humour by poking fun at the faults or cliches of the genres they spoofed. Then you have the Mel Brooks films which also steer into parody but also have a strong farcical component to them. I mean, one of Mel Brooks recurring jokes is having production elements slip into the action on the screen, whether it’s a boom microphone breaking a window interrupting Maid Marian’s song in Robin Hood: Men in Tights or Dark Helmet accidentally cutting down a cameraman during a mock lightsabre battle in Space Balls.

It’s a style of comedy that I haven’t really seen much nowadays. You could argue that Spy was a modern attempt at that parody/farcical style but it leaned far too much on gross humour and the standard “fat person falls down” that’s rampant. And it’s stupid but it’s not the same kind of stupid. That may be a strange claim to make but it’s true. There’s an air of “Screw it, let’s just do this,” in Big Trouble. It’s not dumb because the creator’s couldn’t do better. It’s dumb because it’s silly, fun and weird. I mean, I have no other explanation for the weird beholder monster or ugly Chewbacca that show up with little to no explanation in the movie. It shoots for the unexpected without trying to strike at shock value humour.

There’s a deliberateness that doesn’t come off as artificial. It feels like the creators set out to specifically make a bad movie, spoofing the elements that plague poorly created works much like Mel Brooks spoofs the technical gaffs of production. It’s in the little details, like villainous Lo Pan’s first name being David even though he’s depicted as an ancient Chinese sorcerer. Or Miao Yin arrives with a big box of baking powder. And, of course, there’s the bigger detail that Kurt Russell spends much of the action either knocked out, trapped under bodies, stuck in wheelchairs or chasing after knives. Course, he’s ostensibly only in the film because the villains stole his truck for no apparent reason other than, I presume, Lo Pan needed a honeymoon vehicle.

And yet, the strangest thing about Big Trouble in Little China is that somehow a movie thirty years old somehow bucks a lot of the issues prominent in our media now. Its female characters, while ostensibly serving as damsels in distress, end up getting involved in a number of rescue attempts and action. And their uselessness in combat is negligible given the plethora of female villains that the protagonists have to combat. Since, you know, everyone in China knows kung fu and the movie is most certainly happy to fall into Wuxia tropes at the drop of a hat. And outside of the principle male and female role, near everyone else is a minority. And while the narrative frame is to try and put the focus on Jack Burton and Gracie Law, the action and story is most assuredly set around Wang Chi and Miao Yin. Perhaps its because comedies aren’t expected to hold to conventions.

Accessed from http://cdn.hitfix.com/photos/6057863/Big_Trouble_In_Little_China_remake_news_article_story_large.jpgBut there’s a delicate balance in making a good “bad movie.” And while you can have some skill in doing so, like John Carpenter, you can also be completely clueless so long as you’re earnest.

I couldn’t help but draw some comparisons between Big Trouble in Little China and The Room of Tommy Wiseau fame. Both are pretty nonsensical, with perhaps The Room maintaining even less coherency than Big Trouble in Little China. And that’s without the aid of lightning riding martial artists or a man whose soul looks like a creepy, black haired Ronald McDonald. Whereas there’s so much deliberate shoddy work in Big Trouble, Wiseau addresses his film with all the earnestness and solemnity of an actual drama. You can tell that John Carpenter is in on the joke and yet he is still able to make you shake your head and leave you guessing where he’s going next. Wiseau, however, isn’t aware of any joke and the complete fumbling of his film is near an exact copy of everything that Big Trouble is mocking. The characters, narrative and pacing is so poorly done that you, as the audience, can’t help but laugh. In a sense, the fun of The Room is mean spirited but I can’t feel bad about it. First, The Room is really bad. Second, Tommy Wiseau is perhaps far more famous than he has any right to be. Finally, The Room is entertaining even if it’s not in the manner it wanted.

So, to make a good bad movie, you need to either be entirely clueless and talentless without the self recognition to realize you need improvement or you need to actually possess the skill to appear as if you don’t. Otherwise, you’re just making a bad movie and while that may be just as much work, it’s significantly less fun.

In short, I had fun with Big Trouble in Little China. On the other hand, I’ve just discovered that they’re going to make a reboot of this movie and now I’m back to being sad about the empty hearted consumerism of modern entertainment.

The Returner

I see my sister has started posting. Perhaps the guilt was starting to get a bit much for her. I mean, it had been almost two whole months since she decided to place something on our little piece of the Interwebz.

Still doing a lot better than Derek, however. Apparently, he’s too busy running doomsday cults and trying to summon great Elder Ones to end Earth and all existence in a maddening song of death and delirium. But that’s fine. I got to see him and as a reward for trekking to his distant and damp apartment, he paid for a viewing of Oscar nominated and likely winner Leonardo DiCaprio’s The Revenant.

So here is my movie review:

It’s ok.

Yup, that’s it. Just ok. I’ve seen worse. I’ve seen better. DiCaprio isn’t the best actor in the film unless you consider lots of heavy panting noteworthy acting. Tom Hardy was quite good, however, and demonstrated a vastly different range of skill portraying the cowardly and inconsistent Fitzpatrick. Though billed as a “white man gets revenge flick for the death of his native family” the film is actually a “see North America beat the crap out of DiCaprio and him trying to eat every living thing in response” film. There’s light characterization, little plot between the three overlapping but ultimately shallow narratives and a bunch of poor decisions made by the principal actors in order for the story to move along.

Accessed from http://www.ew.com/article/2015/10/24/revenant-poster-leonardo-dicaprio

The Revenant, its images and all associated rights belong to Alejandro G. Inarritu, 20th Century Fox and whoever else.

It’s pretty, though. Not sure it justified the larger screen but there are plenty of moments you can forget you’re watching a movie desperately trying to win an Oscar and think you’ve stumbled across David Attenborough’s fevered dreams of the Secret Life of North American Fauna While on Crack. Though, I’m sure that mountain of elk skulls is meant to be artistic or symbolic or something.

The movie is simple, brutish and harsh which I suppose was the goal in order to communicate how much it sucked being a fur trapper on the edges of colonial America. There’s probably some other dialogue meant to occur that, beyond the confines of civilization, man just sorts of reverts to a barbaric and violent state of nature but that’s such a boring, tired and ultimately unfounded argument that I’m not going to indulge it any further. At the very least, I can tell you that the production crew were very meticulous in making sure their representation of fur traders and the frontier was accurate. I say this with confidence because Kait keeps dragging me to pioneer villages and everything I’ve learned from Fort William Historical Park to The Fort Museum in Fort Macleod was front and centre on screen.

Anyway, I don’t wish to go into the finer merits and demerits of the film. I’d rather complain about the Oscars.

Mostly, I don’t understand the appeal of the awards show. I know there’s been a large discourse over the institution and its implications for the entertainment industry in general in regards to representation. It’s a worthy conversation and one where the issues are pretty plain to see. Course, with such huge gobs of money involved, change will no doubt be slow and painful even as television starts making greater strides to prove that widely held truisms simply aren’t based on reality. Look at Marvel’s Agent Carter. There’s a show that’s presumably doing well, lead by a prominent female protagonist and (second season at least) has a minority co-star and love interest. Granted, you can see that in the new Star Wars too.

Anyway, I don’t want to bang on the social justice drum. I mostly want to express how baffling I find people’s obsession with the Oscars is in general. I simply do not understand the appeal. I mean, it’s an awards show. I don’t get why I should care. I especially don’t understand why I should care when the awards are doled out in an arbitrary fashion following the tastes and judgements of unnamed individuals who never need justify or provide oversight for their decisions. At least something like the People’s Choice Awards involves public polling to provide some sort of attachment for the viewership and the results.

But not the Oscars. No, their arbitrariness is meant to be accepted. It’s meant to be enjoyed.

I suppose it’s a testament to the entertainment industry that they can turn their own industry awards into a public spectacle that lots of people tune into and discuss fervently. You won’t find co-workers gathered around the water cooler who have obsessively tuned into the Queen’s Award for Enterprise to vehemently argue how Bonds Limited was robbed in the International Trade (Export) category in 2010.  And yet, you’re practically a philistine if you haven’t some horse in the race for Best Picture or haven’t heard of Spotlight let alone seen it. There’s tons of articles covering the politics of the Oscars and how actors or films will be rewarded not for the quality of their entry but as a sort of “pity award” for being ignored prior until the individuals had established their careers. When talking about likely winners, people are more likely to debate whether someone is too young or if the award should go to the guy who has been nominated six times and still hasn’t won rather than whether their specific performance deserves it or not.

Accessed from http://d2ciprw05cjhos.cloudfront.net/files/v3/styles/gs_large/public/images/15/12/duane_howard_0.jpg?itok=N0d5hqsaThis should probably sound familiar, given the opening of this rant. I wouldn’t be surprised if DiCaprio wins for his nomination despite, as I said, his acting in this movie boils down to learning about twenty lines then rolling around in dirt for an hour and a half. People will debate how this is such a great injustice. People will argue how the films nominated don’t deserve their recognition when other films were snubbed.

But for me, I think it’s stranger that we’re talking about this. Unless you were involved in the production itself or are cheering for a family member, I simply don’t understand why you’d care. It’s the same reason why I never understood the Spike sponsored Video Game Awards. My life is literally unaffected whether The Revenant wins best picture or Fallout 4 continues to be loved by critics and fans despite being one of Bethesda’s worse products in recent years. Of all the awards in all the industries, why is it people are so interested in the Academy’s movie awards?

I don’t mean this to ruin anyone’s fun or detract from the conversation regarding its process people wish to hold. I am merely perplexed and can’t help but wonder why there’s such public involvement in this sector and why no one has been able to harness that involvement to improve it for the better.

And why can the average person riddle off all the Oscar Best Actor nominees but not name a single Nobel Prize winner for the same year? Where have our priorities gone?

Gonna Have Your Mana

So let’s continue where I left off last week regarding Summoner Wars and it’s design… decisions.

To summarize, the game does not seem to meet its assumed design goals with numerous detractors complaining about how the game promotes and encourages stalemates, passive play and general undesirable attitudes. Last time, I pointed out a few of the game rules that I feel contribute to these issues. Today, I want to discuss my way of overcoming them.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/framex-e.html?file=html/a/aelst/stilliff.html

Fruit Still-Life by Willem Van Aelst (1677).

Way back in the summer, I shared my lovely discovery of house rules and homebrews–how a personal touch can take a game and make it all the more tailored to my tastes and preferences. I got to thinking to myself, since I won’t be playing this game with anyone but my sister, it doesn’t matter if I explore a few tweaks and changes to the game that would improve the style of play that my sister enjoys. Namely, she wants to rush across the board and smash face. Coincidentally, this style also appears to be the same that beginners and the Android app utilize so I figured if I could get the system to work as such it would be closer to the design goal that Plaid Hat Games set out to achieve.

So, to accomplish this, I took a moment to stop viewing Summoner Wars as a player and started looking at it as a designer. I thought to myself, “What would I do if I were approached to design Summoner Wars 2.0?” I let the sky be the limit with the tweaks and changes I could accomplish. I looked at the system and pondered what were the key elements to its identity and what parts of it drew me to it. What sets this boardgame out from the rest that should be highlighted?

Really, it’s the blend of board and card that I found the most intriguing. Without the strategic movement and zone control, Summoner Wars is just an incredibly watered down and less dynamic game of Magic: the Gathering. It struck me as such a missed opportunity that the game didn’t have a greater interaction with the board itself. Sure, placement of walls could help funnel or block off avenues from an opponent but the size of the board, the numerous movement options available and the forward summoning off walls mechanic helped to really reduce what strategic value there was in controlling the spaces on the board itself. There is little gain moving your forces and fighting for those spaces between your side and the enemy’s when he can instantly summon reinforcements on his turn and undo all the work you’ve done on your turn.

And the more I thought about it, the more I really didn’t like the summoning mechanic. Ostensibly, it’s made to advantage the aggressor as a forward wall should allow better reinforcement of an assault into enemy territory. The unfortunate reality is that wall summoning wholly benefits the defender. So something there had to change.

I remember a number of suggestions from people in the community was to remove the benefit of gaining magic from killing your own troops. And while I could understand the reasoning behind that, I didn’t like it for several reasons. One, I didn’t think it would encourage more common troop usage since you wouldn’t be able to reclaim some of that investment when you played the card. And two, it didn’t address the fact that building commons for magic was near universally the better move.

And that’s when I started to think about the resource management of Summoner Wars. In my review of the Alliance set, one of the things I harped on repeatedly was that cars with abilities which cost magic were, invariably, worse than ones that didn’t. The biggest reason was that their abilities were never really worth the additional payment. As I pointed out in the last article, if you wanted to play all three of a standard set of six costed champions, you’d have to build every single common in your deck (and thus have to self kill the ones starting on the board) to afford them. Having commons with abilities that cost magic was even worse. On the one hand, you can generally view it as a one time payment since commons only last a turn, but if chance goes your way and that card doesn’t die then you’re now invested way more into that card that is ever worth the price of its ability. Or you don’t use it on the second turn in which case it’s a blank card ability wise.

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/framex-e.html?file=html/a/aelst/deadbird.html

Still-Life with Hunting Equipment and Dead Birds by Willem van Aelst (1668).

This turned out to be the biggest problem. The hard limit on the amount of magic in the game wasn’t actually an interesting strategic element. It was a restrictive one that strangled gameplay into one of two styles: either you commit to the subpar common spam and hope that lucky dice will see you through an assault that will otherwise flood your opponent with far more magic than she’d normally expect to have, or you save all your cards to fuel your three big hitters. And the great irony, once again, is that going champion focus is more advantageous because if you’re building all your commons for magic then you’re going to be drawing lots of cards at the start of your turn. You get enough economy in two turns of building in order to play those champions as well as get the draw you need in order to find them in your deck.

And this was the crux of the issue. Magic generation was too good. It is my opinion that if you want to play a champion then it should come at some sort of equitable cost. Say, if there was a way to restrict the amount of magic earned per turn, then you couldn’t be assured you’d have the resources to pull out that champion on your next turn if your opponent realized your plan and tried to counter your passive play with an aggressive attack. Furthermore, if we divorced magic generation from being restricted solely to your deck then it would diminish the influence of paid abilities on your economy management. It wouldn’t, however, diminish the strategic weight of using abilities.

So, after making a rather lengthy design document of changes and ideas, I sat down to start testing them. What I discovered was actually surprising. Very few changes needed to be made to completely flip Summoner Wars on its head. While I would still explore a different direction if heading Summoner Wars 2.0, I didn’t actually have to create an entirely new game to save the original.

Here are the Major Changes (TM):

  1. Magic Drain: There’s simply no way to address the game without touching on this event. Everyone recognizes it’s a problem. I wanted to weaken it but not make it useless. Thus, Magic Drain was turned into, “Choose an opponent. Remove up to three cards from the top of that opponent’s Discard Pile and place them on top of your Discard Pile.” (As a side note, I personally removed all “fewer Unit” restrictions on every Event card since this was an unnecessary element that encouraged people to not play commons.)
  2. Summoners: All summoners have a generic ability inherent to being a summoner. It reads, “Instead of attacking with this Summoner, you may move the top card of your Discard Pile to the top of your Magic Pile.”
  3. Summoning: The summon phase was revamped. Instead of summoning beside a wall, all players summon units into a Reserve Pile. While in this pile, a unit is not considered “in play” in regards to being targets for events and abilities. During the Movement Phase, however, they may enter the battlefield from the back row of the player’s board. During the summoning phase, however, a player may spend 1 Magic to place one Unit from their Reserve Pile adjacent to a Wall they control. To be clear, this ability is limited to once a turn. You can reinforce an attack but it is slow and costly. Likewise, you can try and dislodge attackers from your walls but it will cost you magic and unless you have board control, it will be without reinforcements.
  4. Building Magic: The Build Magic phase is split from the Discard Phase and occurs first. All Units, when killed, do not go to a player’s Magic Pile but to the killing player’s Discard Pile. During the Build Magic Phase, the player rolls a die. On a result of 1-3, the player may add one card from the top of their Discard Pile to their Magic Pile. On a result of 4-6, the player may add two cards from the top of their Discard Pile to the Magic Pile. During the Discard Phase, players place any number of cards from their hand into their Discard Pile.

So what does this confusing mess mean?

Every player has a passive 1-2 Magic generation during their turn assuming they have cards in their discard. That said, generate magic is very difficult on your first turn unless you either play an event (I’m currently testing both players draw a full hand at the start of the game instead of only the second player) or you make a kill. This makes the first turns very interesting. Obviously, killing your own units is easiest since you’ll have more cards in position to attack your units. On the other hand, having less units means that you have fewer answers if your opponent rushes across the board. With so little magic, your second turn you’re very unlikely to put more than one unit on the board and chances are it’s coming in from reserves instead of being summoned off the wall.

Suddenly, the early game has become incredibly important. Starting with five units on the board is now a boon instead of hindrance. And playing defensively got so much harder. The game really changes when, at best, you can generate 3 Magic a turn. That means if you want an average costed champion, you have to save up two turns worth of magic. Possibly three if your dice are poor. Which brings me to an interesting point: Why make magic generation random?

Accessed from http://www.wga.hu/framex-e.html?file=html/a/aelst/stilmous.html

Still-Life with Mouse and Candle by Willem van Aelst (1647).

Summoner Wars is a game that relies inherently on chance. Even with the best planning, everything can turn on a dime if you roll all misses and your opponent rolls all hits. I feel part of the skill of Summoner Wars is understanding the odds and adapting to misfortune. I wanted specifically to make economy generation an uncertain action. If I’m sitting with Silts in my hand, I want the player to have to make a decision informed by the fact that they don’t know with 100% certainty whether they can have Silts out next turn or the turn after. It, once again, encourages common play since their low cost is now an advantage. You probably have one or two magic floating around in your pool since you automatically generate that at the end of your prior turn. Is it more important to get out a defender now to protect Krusk? Or can you afford to wait one or even two more turns to get the powerful Silts to the board?

And with the slower arrival of champions, it gives a greater window for a common focused strategy to gain board advantage and momentum. Before, an aggressive player basically had one turn to try and win on an assault unless they had secured a large economic advantage earlier in the game. Now, an aggressive player can have up to three turns of an advantage against a defensive player.

So, the good news. These changes made the game very exciting and very different. Not only is aggressive common play viable but it’s practically the default. In my testing, I’ve noticed a huge inversion in the decks that are really powerful. Suddenly, the Mountain Vargath have become a powerhouse which, when looking strictly at their numbers, they should have been from the start.

There is bad news, however. This doesn’t balance the game by any means. This just makes a new power balance. Sadly, the difficulties of the game have made it such that my goal of not needing to rebalance specific factions or cards (outside of Magic Drain) a near impossibility. Oddly enough, the Filth seem to come out even better with the new changes and I’m toying with a specific change to their faction to bring them more in line with everyone else. And the biggest losers? Turtlers. The Deep Dwarves and Tundle in particular have really taken a hit. Turtling and defensive play right off the bat is a much harder strategy to adopt. I don’t have a problem with this, however. While Tundle is a lot worse beneath these rules (I changed his ability so that he can Meditate for 2 Magic instead of 1, by the way), if he does manage to sit back and make a massive stack of magic, he is really powerful. Getting to that late game, however, is a slog.

Overall, I’m really happy with these changes. Granted, there’s a lot of finicky situations that arise and I often have to errata some interactions or powers on the fly to adapt to the new system. For example, I move the choice of boosting units to when they enter the battlefield and not when they are summoned into the Reserve Pile. Partly, this keeps from having to balance tokens on a stack of cards. Mostly, this makes it so they aren’t completely awful to use.

But I’m really happy with the outcome of these tweaks so far. While not perfect, it’s surprising how big and how positive an impact they’ve had on the game so far. I’d recommend people to try it out if they are looking for a big change up to how Summoner Wars can play. At the very least it casts old mechanics into a new light that’ll make you look at the game in a way you hadn’t before.

Too Common for Me

One thing not mentioned about my sojourn to Japan was the long hours reserved for myself away from friends and creature comforts of home. One of the defining element of our lives which we hardly pay much attention to (or too much depending on who you ask) is the importance of entertainment. Part of the whole idea behind the Industrial Revolution was to develop more leisure time for the average individual that they could enjoy personal pursuits and self-improvement without being enslaved to the daily toil of the farming life.

Which, given Victorian sensibilities, I can only assume is code for them trying to get people to stop drinking so damn much.

Well, unfortunately, I’m already on that Victorian bandwagon and am hardly going to fret away what few pounds sterling I have on something so ephemeral as alcohol. And in this glorious age of technology, we’ve done a pretty thorough job of expanding the options for amusement. Games, movies, television, songs and art are all available for a pittance with the connectivity of global telecommunications.

But despite the global reach, there’s still a strong regional influence. All of this is to say that there’s not a hell of a lot to do in Japan if you don’t like watching Japanese variety shows, observing Japanese baseball games or drinking in Japanese pubs. I didn’t have my precious computer either so most online options were restricted especially given Kait’s rather spotty Internet provider.

Thankfully, some of the local ALTs thought to band together and hold a boardgame night. Unfortunately, they did it once while I was there. However, it did remind me of the digital program for running the games I owned at home. Course, then I remembered that Kait hates the digital interface and won’t play with me on it.

So, the long and the short of it is I ended up spending a fair bit of time playing Summoner Wars by myself. How’s that for a rambling lead-in?

Yes, this is going to be another damn Summoner Wars post. Yes, this is mostly because I’m busy with other work and haven’t done much that’s exciting since coming home other than lie in bed and try to recover from this flu. Such is life.

Actually, if I’m being honest, my discourse today didn’t come quite as organically as I pretend. What truly got me thinking and poking around with the game systems of the heavily flawed game was the four hour bus ride to Hirosaki. I tried to download some Android app games to amuse us on the road only to find that most mobile games are utter trash. Sorry, that’s elitist. Most mobile games do not meet the stringent requirements of my refined tastes.

That’s better.

However, while we spent most of our time lobbing digital artillery in a free version of battleship, I remembered that one of the things I found fascinating with Derek’s smartphone (back in the day) was how he was able to play the boardgames we usually pulled out when I visited on his bus rides to and from work. I poked around what was available (read: free because I’m not convinced I’m going to use any app enough to warrant a purchase) and lo and behold Plaid Hat Games had a version of the game online. I gleefully downloaded it, then had the damn thing crash on my four or five times while I refused to register my Google account with its psychographic services.

I did manage to get it working… somewhat. I’d be more annoyed if I properly signed up for it and it was still this unstable. But I’m not here to review the software. Instead, playing the game repeatedly with only the Phoenix Elf summoner Prince Elien made me realize something important about Summoner Wars:

It’s a bad game.

http://www.plaidhatgames.com/fulfillment/sites/default/files/3d-box-right-sw-peto.png

Summoner Wars and its art belongs to Plaid Hat Games and Cupidsart. Find Alliances at their website http://www.plaidhatgames.com

I know, I’ve complained about its design before and at this point I’m unlikely to be selling anyone on it anyway. My continued discourse around it, once again, lies in my sister’s interest and the fact that it is so simple that analyzing it is much easier. It’s like learning to dissect a fetal pig before plunging wholesale into a dead body trying to figure out what killed it. I’ve listed the numerous issues that Summoner Wars has faced before. But it wasn’t until I was playing match after match against the AI and soundly trouncing it in games against decks and cards I’d never even seen before that I realized just how poorly the game is made. And we can argue subjectivity and whatnot until we are blue in the face but I can categorically state the game is bad on one objective criteria:

Summon Wars is highly unintuitive.

This is to say, the way to win at Summoner Wars is not the way you’d expect to play when you first look at the rules. Course, pick up any game and you’re not going to understand its intricacies or nuances, however the design of the game itself seems to underline the intent of its design. Perhaps I’m putting too much credit in the programmers hands, but when the official mobile app isn’t even programmed to play in a manner that would lead to victory it makes me think that the design itself is doomed to failure.

So what am I getting at? Simply put, Summoner Wars hates commons. It’s a game that, thematically, is meant to simulate a combat between opposing armies. But all of its gameplay elements discourage or outright punish you for fielding an army. Common units are the most prominent piece of a player’s deck and are easily the least valuable. Worse than that, they’re negative value.

It was rather remarkable, actually, watching the AI lob legion after legion of its own forces against my side churning into an unending meat grinder of points that skyrocketed me to victory no matter which opponent I set myself against. It didn’t even matter if I tried playing with my faction’s worst cards as the matches continued to be lopsided so long as I didn’t mimic the suicidal tactic of wasting all my resources on buying the rank and file soldiers of my deck. I couldn’t help but think how discouraging this must be for newer players to be presented a system, given a baffling rundown of how it works and then intuitively play over and over again in a manner that only assured defeat.

Seriously. Can you imagine what chess would be like if the very act of moving your piece towards your enemy was categorically losing option? If you, as an uninformed player, are told the rules of a game, the mechanics shouldn’t work against the general idea of how you expect to play.

So why do commons suck so much in Summoner Wars? A shorter question to answer would be “when do commons not suck?”

Let’s look at a basic component of the game to highlight the issue. The two primary combat phases–movement and attack–are both regulated by the same restriction: a player–unless a card specified otherwise–can move with and attack with a maximum of three cards per turn. Ok, seems harmless enough. Except, the goal of the game is to kill the enemy’s summoner, a card which is permanently on the board and in play. Given the short length of the board, the high value of the summoner and the importance of keeping her alive, you’re most likely going to be using one of your three precious movement/attack options on your summoner. There is no benefit to putting a unit on the board which you aren’t planning on moving or using for an attack since there are almost no passive abilities that give you a general benefit. Playing your summoner defensively is far easier than offensively since the situations that allow instantaneous reinforcement don’t usually happen on the enemy’s side. Thus, you’re able to use your summoner with far less risk than someone attacking. Thus you’re incentivized to play defensively…

Another issue with common units is that they’re just so fragile. The vast majority are one or two health and getting two or more dice on an attack is pretty easy. This is to say that your poor common is, on average, going to live one round. If you can’t hit with it that round then you’ve just wasted your magic summoning it. Ambushing units on your side makes it more likely that you can get into position than marching them across the enemy’s empty spaces. Thus, defensively you’re at an advantage and…

It just keeps piling up. The real nail, however, is in the game’s fundamental economy. The resource you have for using many of your events and summoning your units is magic. Magic is composed of the units killed by the forces you control or the cards dropped from your hand. Since you always draw up to five at the start of your turn, there’s really no reason for you to hold onto the numerous commons that make up your deck. Furthermore, putting them on the table costs magic and if they just turn around and die to your opponent then you’ve given them magic. Most commons cost one or two magic. Champions, on the other hand, cost around six. So they’re about a turn of discarding your hand, have double or even triple the attack and health of a common and usually have unique or stronger abilities in comparison too. Champions, with their larger life, are more likely to last more than one round so can make the treacherous crossing into the opponent’s territory. They have the attack value to actually do damage while alive too. They’re so expensive you’re not likely to have many out at the same time and since there’s a limit on unit movement and attack, it’s hard to deal with them strictly through commons on the enemy’s side. Especially without using more magic to do so.

http://www.plaidhatgames.com/images/games/summoner-wars/factions/filth/chm-TheAbomination.jpgChampions are better in every way. They have a downside, of course, and that’s their cost. All decks in Summoner Wars have 32 cards (2 walls, 9 events, 3 champions, 18 commons) in them so that puts a hard limit on the amount of magic a player can generate in an entire game. If you only want to summon champions and let’s say you want to summon all three, you have to devote 18 magic to them. Using your own cards to build magic is the most assured way to get your magic so you’re devoting over half your deck to summoning those champions. And that’s not even taking into account any of the 9 events you may want to play or your 2 walls buried in there as well.

Let’s do some math!

3 Champions at 6 Magic = 18 Magic

32 Deck – 18 Magic = 14 Cards

14 Cards – 2 Walls – 3 Champions – 9 Events = well I’ll be damned.

So, in conclusion, Summoner Wars restricts the number of commons you can use per turn and makes them compete with higher valued champions and summoners. It designs them to be fragile and unable to compete with champions and summoners in a one-on-one engagement or even with each other. It then forces you to decide whether you want those commons in the first place or would you rather have the economy to afford those game winning champions. Because every common you put on the field is a common you have to kill of your opponent’s if you want a champion.

And if he’s saving up for his own champions then… well…

But this isn’t all doom and gloom. I’ve been working on an idea.

War of the Stars

Alright, it’s been awhile. Surely, the end of December silence must have been understandable (I completely meant to make a post saying we’d be off for the holidays but, well, it was the holidays). The end of the old year and the start of the new also involved a rather delightful trip through Japan’s southern prefectures so neither Kait nor myself were in a position to be making posts.

Derek, as usual, didn’t care.

Since then we’ve had some issues with logins, I’ve returned home and got a lovely cold for my troubles and so the new year has started off with a bit of a sluggish stumble.

But that’s OK because I’m here now to give you my thoughts and feelings and words.

Because I love you.

I originally was not going to post about this subject matter. I felt I had very little to contribute to the global discourse and, frankly, I had little desire to engage with the discussion in the first place. But, alas, the discussion continues and it’s hard to keep out of something that keeps throwing itself in my face.

So today I shall give you my thoughts on the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

I’ll cut right to the chase–I did not care for it. Surprise!

Accessed from http://www.starwars.com/the-force-awakens/images/share_1200x627.jpg

Star Wars belongs to Disney now. All hail our marketing overlords.

This isn’t to say I hate it. That reaction is reserved for my sister. It appears I’ve created a bit of a monster and I couldn’t be any more proud. She gets so angry with mass consumption media now that I hardly need to dredge up some casual ire for the factory produced schlock. Each flaw and inconsistency sticks in her craw like a… well an indigestible insect in the throat of a bird. Shallow characterizations, unnecessary action beats, clichéd conflicts and marginalization of women and minorities are all aspects that stand out in stark relief upon her movie going experience. She longs for the days when she was ignorant and blind.

So, yeah, she hated Star Wars. We both like to joke that the best thing about the movie was the mixed bowl of caramel and salt covered popcorn but it was also the truth. Furthermore, the containers were only five dollars and gave far more popcorn than I could possibly eat which strikes me as a better deal than anything I’d find in Canada.

Well, before you close the browser with fury over our misguided opinions (if you haven’t already), I’d like to discuss what does drag The Force Awakens down. For I’d like to believe even if you truly loved the movie you’d still be open minded enough to recognize its flaws. Nothing is ever perfect and it’s important we point out the good and the bad so that what we attempt next can be an improvement. Right?

So let me make a concession. The Force Awakens is not the worst Star Wars movie to be released. It’s better than the prequels–yes, all the prequels no matter which someone may have found to not be completely awful. I was hoping there would be a greater “race to the bottom” over which could possibly fail the hardest as a piece of cinematic entertainment. The fact that the Force Awakens was so competent was my greatest fear. It’s not a terrible movie, especially not in consideration with the other entries in its franchise: it’s just a boring one.

I think my uncle summed it up the best: “It’s just missing something that made the first so special.”

That something is novelty.

Kind of a strange accusation to raise against a series that hasn’t ever been anything but an homage or pastiche of space operatic science fiction. The original Star Wars drew heavily from such sources as Flash Gordon–a movie which George Lucas wanted to originally direct but was not given the privileged and led to the creation of Star Wars–not to mention practically bragging about ripping from acclaimed directors like Kurosawa and mythology as a whole. It’s a fair argument even if it ignores that all art builds upon itself. It’s also a deflection because there’s a difference between being inspired or borrowing to outright copy.

There were a lot of people that did not like J.J. Abrams Star Trek. I wasn’t one of them. I really enjoyed the reboot and I appreciated its differing direction. There was a dialogue about whether it truly contained the spirit of Star Trek or not but I appreciated the attempt to shine a new light on characters and a series that was over forty years old. If I wanted the old Star Trek movies… well, they’re still there in all their glory untouched and unchanged by Abrams brash reinterpretation. On the other hand, I loathed Into Darkness. Whereas Abrams first movie went to great lengths to untangle itself from the vast swathe of history and baggage of the Star Trek franchise, Into Darkness was nothing but an empty mimicry of one of the series most cherished instalments. It was choked to the brim with inside jokes and cheap copies of once famous scenes.

You can probably guess where this is going.

Accessed from http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/6/2015/02/EP6_KEY_42_R.jpgI feel ultimately my issue with the Force Awakens is my issue with the prequels (outside of the general issue of the prequels being rubbish). There’s this misguided nostalgia that surrounds Star Wars and blinds people to the actual films. I loved them as a child but it’s folly to believe that they’re anything other than just good films. And like all other good films, they are replete with issues and points of weakness. I mean, the special effects for their time may have been great but no one is buying that this guy is anything but a dude in a blue rubber elephant suit. However, the issues run further than poor CGI work and anyone trying to convince you otherwise is hopelessly fanatic.

And yet if you listen to George Lucas discuss his work on the prequels, he spent so much time trying to get them to “rhyme” with the originals. Likewise, it’s painfully obvious that–whether through adoration or fear of angering the masses–The Force Awakens was made to be as boringly close to A New Hope as possible. But this isn’t 1979 and the novelty of A New Hope has long since worn off. It’s flaws, however, have been left in stark relief to its rather dull paced action and simplistic characters. It seems both Lucas and Abrams seemed to miss this point. You can’t keep blindly replicating the same thing over and over again. People will tire of the same high points and the flaws will only grow worse and worse.

The Force Awakens demonstrates this point exactly. Its narrative is near an exact copy of A New Hope with a few cosmetic changes and little else. You can predict the death of characters scenes in advance simply knowing when characters died in the original. So much of the movie painfully draws itself and its parallels back to the first that I was hardly a third of the way into the film wondering to myself, “If I so badly wanted to watch A New Hope, I’d just put on A New Hope.”

If I were a person more invested in the series, I might even be insulted that all the original trilogy managed to accomplish was resetting the franchise back to state zero. All that blathering about bringing balance to the Force, defeating the Empire and whatnot and here we are with no one knowing the Force except some old white hermit and a Nazi-inspired military force that’s hell-bent on being evil and ravaging the galaxy. They even still use stormtrooper armor in case anyone might have difficulty pinpointing the group that wants to tyrannically rule the galaxy. How cute.

And let’s not let Abrams off the hook for trying to pitifully pull heartstrings with Finn the lovable stormtrooper who takes all of ten seconds to get over his traumatic experience of war and the death of his colleague stormtrooper to begin mercilessly gunning down the rest of his co-workers in droves as he busts his best friend forever Poe from jail after knowing him for less than ten seconds. It’s probably because his boss was a woman and drove him crazy, right?

Accessed from http://the-indie-pendent.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/starwars_a_new_hope.pngThere’s an endless list of these issues but this isn’t a movie that would benefit from ironing out the small details when the fundamentals are so misguided. What they should have done with the sequels was what Abrams did with his first Star Trek. Only now, you don’t have to spend so much time explaining why you aren’t following the same tired three characters for another trilogy of movies since the originals did such a thorough job already. In fact, the only thing that Abrams needed to do was the one thing he completely avoided. He didn’t talk at all about what happened with the end of the original movies. There was no explanation for what happened with the Empire or even what the hell “balancing the Force” is suppose to mean. Clearly, no one knows what to do with either of these major plot points from the originals so they were just sort of trotted out again as the typical stage horse.

Personally, I’d rather see the galaxy in the aftermath of the originals. I’d like to see a new universe that’s far, far away. I want to explore different concepts, themes and characters that are borne from the foundations of prior events and decisions. I’d like to see the struggles of people trying to find their lives in the hollow wrecks of the titanic edifices of days gone by. Why can’t we see the difficulties of a galaxy trying to re-establish order after the head of a tyrannical regime is killed leaving perhaps dozens of warlords in the power vacuum vying to carve out their own slice of territory or even attempting to forge their own throne in the chaos? Why can’t we see the Force taken in a new direction now that it’s been made whole–a Force that’s no longer beholden to these arbitrary, contradictory elements that riddled the originals but perhaps turned into simply a matter of life for some or an ideal by others?

There’s so much potential for what could come next that it’s more than just disheartening to see the old clothes pulled out to be draped over new faces and run through the paces.

It’s boring.

Matsushima Ah! Part Two

In comparison to Entsu-in, Zuigan-ji was rather disappointing. But we were expecting this with all the construction signs around. We purchased our ticket at the vending machine–a first for temples that I’ve ever seen–but still had to present them at the gate thus rendering our own fumbling with the foreign machine rather pointless. We took what peeks we could at the main hall behind its fence and passed through the gate to the only attraction we were allowed entrance. A security officer stood guard which made me worried as he kept a keen eye that all guests removed their shoes. I’m travelling with my hardy boots and… well, let’s just say that the odour trapped in them after a full day’s walking could knock out an ox. Apparently, we hadn’t explored enough as the guard was still left conscious, but I did slip my boots off and shove them as far from any other shoes on the off chance someone called biohazard disposal and I had to return home barefoot.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.The building we could explore served as the old kitchen and service building for the monks. Apparently the relics from the main hall had been moved for displaying here but all the signs were in kanji so we couldn’t read them. We took plenty of photos, snapping a few of the hall under construction out the window as we passed. There was a hooded passage that connected to a secondary hall in the back of the ground and here we came across a wide room with intricately painted doors. These, as it turns out, were replicas but were also a major feature of Zuigan-ji. At one time they had been gold leafed and brilliantly coloured with expensive dyes possibly as a sign of the prosperity of the sect. However, after centuries of exposure to the public and the elements, they were severely damaged. Thus, the temple decided that, after restoring them, they would store the original doors in a museum and put up the industrial printed ones instead.

The hall itself held statues of the founding fathers of Zuigan-ji, a statue of Kannon (the buddha of mercy) and some funerary repository for… someone important in history. We only learned this because a tour group came in behind us and we eavesdropped on their explanation. I also took the time to read the brochure that was handed to us at the gate.

After the tour, we wandered across a hidden street behind a low stone overhang. We skirted another temple complex (which I took a photo of before noticing the dreaded “No Photo” signs) and climbed a small hill up to a very ornate squat mausoleum. I recognized the momoyama style from my time in Nikko with its near excessive use of ornamentation and gold leaf. It’s quite the contrast to the often austere design of Zen Buddhism and the bright reds, oranges and greens (kept in top condition by the dutiful monks) really contrasts the unblemished black of its walls and supports.

Naturally, we documented every inch of it. Special detail was given to the “elephant” heads that looked more like some madman’s fevered dream than any animal which walked on earth.

We then doubled back to Zuigan-ji proper, wandered into the museum to learn the actual history and relevance of all the stuff we saw before retracing our steps back to the food trucks of Matsushima. Outside of two brief stops, we were nearly done and we still had an hour or two of touring to go. We crossed two bridges to a nearby island with a famous viewing spot. I was especially carefully crossing the second bridge which was reduced to two blanks left carelessly over the exposed cross beams beneath our feet. I wondered how many people slipped and dropped cameras and phones down the rather large cracks then tried to not wonder about that at all as I held my camera in a death grip.

This island was especially busy with tourists, all eager to get their photos at the famous spot. Kait and I took pictures of the small wooden and very weathered shrine that had a carving for each year of the Chinese Zodiac along its walls. I took ample time to sit and rest my sore feet as we debated our next move. After a good ten minutes, enough space opened for us to squeeze in and snap a few hasty headshots of the bay. We then wandered back the way we came heading for Kait’s much anticipated tea house.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.It was remarkable only in how much it disappointed. Our guide paper said it was one of the few remaining original buildings from Date Masamune’s period but you wouldn’t have been able to tell if they hadn’t put a large sign at its entrance. We had to spend three dollars each to enter and there was basically nothing inside. There were to tearooms selling overpriced cups of steaming disillusionment brought to you by dolled up ladies in kimonos hoping that either they or the wide view of a bunch of private jet boats would distract you from your expensive hot water. A long table on the far side of the building sold the typical kitsch you’d expect from festival tents or seedy knock-off vendors. There was a “museum” of sorts that had a grand total of five displays. The only one of interest was a map of the bay with the standard lights and control panel to highlight the areas of interest. Of course, only half the buttons worked and everything was illegible. But what made the map most interesting was that it was painted and assembled at the bottom of a fourteen foot hole right in the middle of the room. Neither Kait nor I could guess why it existed and least of all in the dingy backroom of a tiny tourist trap. The icing on the cake was a security camera place prominently over the displays that gave you the sensation you had stepped into a deathtrap horror movie rather than viewing a collection worthy of even a locked door.

We left quickly.

By now we were ravenous and Kait was her usual indecisive self. So, I suggested that we keep an eye out for sushi places on the way back and, if we didn’t find any, we could go to the kaitenzushi restaurant that she knew of in the shopping arcade. Naturally, we didn’t find anything so we were back on the ear popping train ride through the tunnels to Sendai. We were nearly running to the restaurant, stopping only to confirm from the menu outside that this sushi would, indeed, be delivered by conveyor belt.

We were seated quickly and waiting with great anticipation as the first of the coloured plates rolled by. I had already instructed Kait on how these establishments work–the cost of your plate is determined by the coloured design printed on it. At the end, the server would come by and tally your bill by your dishes. Naturally, being the frugal creatures that we were, we opted to stick to the one dollar plates alone.

Except, everything that rolled by was upwards of five to eight dollars. I wracked my brain for how you would order a specific item on the menu from the chefs stationed right in front of us, but thankfully a few tuna salad rolls started to make their rounds. It quickly became apparent the reason for our drought of affordable options was due to a pair of high school students sitting further down the line. They had mountains piled by their elbows as they spoke and I tried not to glare with resentment as they snatched salmon sushi before it had a chance to even experience the world.

We probably ended up sitting there for close to an hour as options that we could actually stomach were eventually rolled out (and carried our way once the schoolkids packed it and left). Kait bemoaned how unfilling the sushi was as she glanced anxiously at her accumulating pile. I tried to calmly remind her that we usually go to sushi buffets back in Canada, so obviously it would take us a great deal to fill up on it. In Kait’s growing starvation and desperation, she grabbed one of the gray plates instead of the yellow. I commented on her expensive tastes as she realized with dawning horror that she had picked up a six dollar option.

She then tried to sneak it back before I yelled at her.

To assuage her guilt, she shared half of it with me. It was a fatty tuna sushi (easy to mix up with the cheap cut of tuna we were normally eating) but the one bite we had explained the difference in price. It was fresh, tasty and incredibly easy to digest. Oh to eat that by the plate would be kingly! Or it would, at the very least, take a king’s ransom.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.However, because we were in the restaurant for so long, I was able to answer a mystery that had been plaguing me. While watching the same plate of squid roll around and around, I wondered what the store did with food no one clearly wanted. Eventually, the chef took the plate from the belt but instead of throwing it out, he swapped the offering to a cheaper plate. It was picked up within two passes afterwards.

It struck me that, if you truly wanted a fine meal, you would probably want to come when the place was near to closing. Perhaps the desperation to offload all their food (since sushi doesn’t really keep overnight) would see a lot of options at a significantly reduced price.

Either that, or all they’re making at that hour is egg sushi.

By the end, the damage was pretty light and about one thousand and five hundred yen apiece (about fifteen dollars). Course, Kait was still grumbling about how hungry she was so we packed things up and returned home so she could snack on goodies we had stored in the fridge all the while feeling guilty about eating so much.

Upon reflection, we should really do a better job of not skipping lunch on our trips.

Pauline Pearl – Shichi Go San was a festival created due to high rates of infant mortality so parents brought their children to shrines at ages 3, 5 and 7 to thank the gods their kid lived that long and appeal to them to make it to the next age.

Matsushima Ah! Part 1

Sure, you all are probably thinking, “Man, three months in Japan. That must be really nice.” Well, I’ll have you know this isn’t some spring time in Waikiki. Not only do I have a novel I must write within the month but I also have to make Kait’s bed in the evening. Sometimes I even help with the dishes or carry groceries! It’s a real challenge, I tell you. I’m not certain how I make it through the day.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

Kait loves her drainage systems!

That said, with our weekend jaunts, I have extra work to do during the week so I don’t fall behind on those days we’re out of town. Mostly, this is an explanation for why the journal entries are late. I’m doing them, they’re just second place to getting my main work finished. That, and actually seeing Japan.

Of all the places near Sendai, there was really only one that I had to see. I even warned Kait that she had to take me here. It didn’t matter how many period houses I had to see to make it happen. For, you see, Japan is pretty bottom heavy in regards to its major attractions. The bright lights of Tokyo, the ancient cultural hotbed of Kyoto and even the modern travesty and revival of Hiroshima happens almost along the exact same latitudinal line. If you’ve heard of it, chances are it is down in the Kansai-Kanto region. Kait, however, had the gall to get placed up in Tohoku. This would be the equivalent of taking a trip to the United States and deciding that Minnesota would make a good base camp.

There is that exception, however. That one spot that I had longed to visit when I was first here in 2010. But no matter how I tried, I couldn’t arrange a visit to the eponymous Matsushima Bay. But why did I want to travel here? Let me leave it to Japan’s resident poet laureate to explain:

Matsushima ah!

A-ah, Matsushima, ah!

Matsushima, ah!

~ Matsuo Basho, 1644-1694

And you thought our haiku was bad.

Matsushima was held as one of the Three Great Views of Japan. If you didn’t know already, Japan loves making lists. But the Three Great Views stands in stark contrast to the others for being the original that made popular the short rankings. It has the equivalent cachet of visiting the Seven Wonders (and I mean the listing that doesn’t put the Pyramids of Giza as an honourable mention). The other two views are the floating torii gate of Itsukushima (of which you can see my head plastered over if you are so interested) and the sandbar of Amanohashidate (scheduled for our December travel bonanza). While the floating torii was of prime importance to me, Matsushima was always a close second and only because of its supposed grandeur.

Course, as I espoused my eagerness, Kait was quick to temper my expectations.

“It’s mostly like Georgian Bay.”

Well, it was a cloudy Saturday that we decided to make the trip. The nice thing about Matsushima was that it’s just outside of Sendai. Give it a few more decades and I won’t be surprised if the northern capital eventually subsumes the coastal locale in  the inexhaustible expansion of modernity. But fortunately for me, given its geographical location and shape, Matsushima had emerged relatively unscathed from the 2011 earthquake. While I didn’t expect it to still be rubble, I had concerns whether sites would be open or not.

“Don’t worry,” Kait assured, “the only places that are closed are ones that were falling apart before the earthquake happened.”

Of course. Never change, Japan. It wouldn’t be the same touring within your borders if you didn’t have some famous place fenced off and hidden behind steel scaffolding.

As it was Kait scheduling this trip, we had yet another tight schedule ahead of us. She was a little disappointed in her first trip to the word-snatching bay. She saw only a couple of expensive bridges and had to spend the entire time with Pauline. So, with full control of the itinerary, Kait was determined to get to the places she didn’t see and this meant a seven o’clock rise so we could hurry down and catch the train to arrive in Shiogama by nine.

Shiogama isn’t technically part of Matsushima, though given that it’s a bay it does have some of the scattered weather beaten islands filling its harbour. We weren’t there to see any of that, however. Kait force marched us behind the only other Japanese person with a backpack and bucket hat in search of Shiogama Shrine. This is a shrine complex over 1200 years old and dedicated to protecting fishermen and safe childbirth. It’s a bit of a tall order for a country that loves roe on their sushi. Fifteen of its buildings are labeled Important Cultural Treasures by the Japanese government and are also stinking old. It’s a place of startling beauty and tranquillity, uplifted from the busy city streets by a flight of worn, two hundred year old steps that have shifted and grown into a steep, uneven climb beneath the ubiquitous Japanese pines.

Kait couldn’t care, however, because she was too entranced by the city’s covered ditches.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

Not pictured: the intense staircase.

We passed a father and son running up and down the steps, the poor father probably going to be left immobile by noon from all the climbing. The shrine itself was quite clean and orderly. It was in fantastic condition and much larger than Kait and I expected. This naturally led to us spending nearly an hour poking around its grounds, taking pictures of stone cows and clam shells the size of a rambunctious child. We saw some couples parading their dressed up children for the 7-5-3 Festival that seems to run for most the month of October. It was only as we were exiting the south gate and heading towards the gentle decline for the old ladies to reach the shrine that Kait informed me our boat was leaving in ten minutes.

Apparently, the original plan had been to poke around the shrine for twenty or so minutes before taking a ferry up through the islands of Matsushima (Ah!). However, the ferry only left every hour and if we missed the one she scheduled, Kait was uncertain we’d be able to see everything that she wanted.

We hurried through the streets, stopping for the sparse route markers and heading down random streets. After a few missteps and waiting for a light before a kindly local pressed the walk button for us, we arrived at the dock just in time to see the ferry casting off.

Well, damn.

We debated waiting for the next ferry but a look around the tiny “market” at the dock convinced us that it wasn’t worth delaying our day by two hours. Taking the train to Matsushima proper would still take about forty minutes, however, so we dejectedly retraced our steps to the station.

At least this gave us the opportunity to dig into our meagre trail mix supply. Since, you know, if we were being honest with ourselves we knew we wouldn’t be eating lunch today.

The train was as busy as one would expect for a prominent tourist spot on the first day of a weekend. We shuffled out of the crowded train and down the narrow steps into the tiny train station. We weren’t quite sure which direction we were headed and Kait was far too shy to ask anyone, so we mostly found a couple of determined tourists and followed them until coming across a guide map of the area. There was only one island Kait was going to take me to and it was solely because it was free.

We walked past what remained of the Matsushima Aquarium (everything was apparently moved to Sendai after the place was damaged during the earthquake). The route wasn’t particularly well marked and we ended up wandering through some random parking lots until we spotted the bright red bridge to a small pine covered island. We snapped our shots (as we always do) and poked around the small paths crisscrossing the island. Apparently these places were used as burial locations for the nearby temples and shrines over the years. Many alcoves had been cut into the rock with wedged epitaphs or stone statues filling their interiors. And, outside of the shrines and buddha statues, the place was as Kait described: very reminiscent of Georgian bay with its wind cleaved rock and scraggly trees wrapping their thin roots about the sharp stones. Leaves scattered across the ground while catboats cut the mirror top of the bay in their lazy circles. We found a park bench and enjoyed the pack snacks while reminiscing of sunset watching, roasting marshmallows and sleeping in tents. It’s beautiful but it’s not unique.

We poked around the island some more, snapping pictures of bleached white trees before finally giving up on the location. Kait was eager to get to the temples that she passed up the first time. We discussed meal options as we walked, likely prompted by the number of food cars parked in the centre of the waterfront park. We were hopeful to eat some sushi since Kait hadn’t truly had any since arriving in Japan. We figured that a port town like Matsushima must have some easy to find conveyor belt sushi.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

Welcome to Georgian Bay!

We were wrong. It seems the place is more obsessed with its oysters than its fish. And neither Kait or I had any interest to indulge in that local delicacy.

But this was only of passing concern as we passed the restaurants outside the park to Zuigan-ji.

Kait warned me that Zuigan-ji–a prominent Rinzai Zen Buddhist temple–had been damaged in the 2011 earthquake and was under repair. I hadn’t expected this to include the walk to the temple, as a great fence separated the large tree lined path that beeped from bulldozers plowing its ground. The park was ringed not by buildings but a small cleaved hill with more rock carvings and burial markers for the temple’s graveyard. We snapped pictures as we went along, trying our best not to obstruct the other tourists eager to see the old National Treasures.

We puttered around the entrance of Zuigan-ji while Kait decided how we were going to explore this area. There are several temple complexes in the area but she was interested primarily in two: Entsu-in and Zuigan-ji. Reading some of the signs we learned that workers were currently addressing Zuigan-ji’s main hall and square. To make up for this closure (and to justify their ticket prices not being discounted) the temple had opened up one of the adjoining halls typically restricted to temple staff. There was also a showing of the mausoleum for Date Masamune’s wife, though apparently its opening was unrelated to the work going on.

Kait opted to explore Entsu-in first. It was a much smaller complex renown for its garden grounds. I should correct that: it was very renown. We had hardly paid our tickets and taken several steps inside before we were crushed in a mass of gawking bodies. A long, ponderous and shuddering line wove its way through the stone paths with hidden hands lifting cameras and tripods at every turn.

We joined in, taking what pictures we could of the rock garden. I’m assuming this was Kait’s first and it’s a shame that she had to experience it in a rushed and crowded manner. I actually quite enjoyed viewing the meditation gardens in Kyoto when there were less people and I had the luxury to sit beneath the eaves and take in the meticulously manicured piece beneath pregnant clouds. The experience is significantly less when you have people bumping into you and you’re pushed to the tightest corners of the walkway.

Things improved as we ventured deeper into the grove and the trees rose up around us as a carpet of tended moss stretched between their roots. We found ourselves before the primary attraction: Date Masamune’s grandson’s mausoleum. It was small and relatively understated, at least from the outside. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a good look at the interior with the amount of people gathering before it so I missed the little decorative details that slyly hinted at the young man’s Christianity during a time when the religion faced persecution.

We wandered the rest of the grounds which were dedicated to gravesites than enlightening tranquility. Kait looked for a yew tree or something to little success and we descended a staircase sheltered with tall bamboo stalks into the rose garden. And, in Kait’s own words, “I don’t like rose gardens.”

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.There was a heart shaped fountain which, if you prayed before it, you got good luck or a healthy sex life or something. Really, the reason we were stopping at every spot was because Kait was looking for the fabled location where we could make our own rosaries. We finally found a hall with several shoes in boxes outside and what looked suspiciously like groups of tourists crouched on the floor and poking in boxes. Of course, there wasn’t any English, so Kait fretted and dithered, unsure whether she should ask or whether we should just leave altogether.

She eventually decided to enquire over the thirty dollar bracelet option. She poked her head inside, prompting a worker to shuffle nervously over. When it was clear Kait was only going to be speaking English, the younger worker was waved over and we were brought to a corner of the room. There, we were to measure our wrists against a pile of sample bracelets. I didn’t know this at the time but Buddhist rosaries come in specific bead sets. Typically they’re a denomination of 108 unless you have weird wrists like mine then there’s an option to settle for twenty-two beads and consider it close enough. Once sized, we were instructed to pick out a central bead that would be unique from the others. Then we had to pick two small beads that had to match but, once again, had to be unique to everything else. After that, we were given free reign to design our rosaries however we want.

Kait elected for a subtle orange and black design. I initially was tempted towards the darker colours–which surely comes as a surprise to everyone. However, I decided that I should try something different. I picked up the white stones veined with grey striations and attempted to make something pleasing to the eye that would also not be all gloomy. Kait wrapped hers up while I was still poking and prodding over half my design. Invariably, I roped her into assisting since she has loads of experience doing crafty stuff. Surely, I reasoned, that would mean she had a good head for colour balance.

The consequence of my nagging, however, meant that Kait forgot to take photos of the activity. Eventually, I settled on a combination I could live with. It wasn’t brilliant but at this time my legs were killing me as we were sitting in seiza since neither of us wanted to stand out amongst the others dutifully making their own buddhist bracelet. So, knees cracking as we stood, we shuffled to the small table where one of the workers sat. She tied and glued them together and rang our purchase. Then she waved over the older woman who, surprisingly, worked through the meaning of the bracelets as best she could in English. It wasn’t… the most coherent but Kait at least understood that she was naming which stones and giving a general idea of what they convened. I discovered that the more different types of stones you slapped on your string, the more positive benefits you apparently would receive. So, while Kait and I both shared good business fortune, I was also blessed with better health and two kinds of stress and anxiety free living!

Woohoo, Kevin wins again!

So if you ever end up in Entsu-in (which I would recommend since, as I commented to the old lady in a kimono who stopped us on the way out, the garden is very lovely) and you elect to make your own bracelet, try to slip as many coloured beads as you can around your wrist. It may look gaudy but at least the universe will smile on you!

And despite our Scottish nature, Kait was all grins leaving the temple with the rosaries in hand. They certainly made a unique souvenir!

 

 

Anatawa so Sou Sou Sou Part 2

After the disappointment of Buried Rooster Mound, we followed Pauline to the local onsen. When a departing elderly man politely informed us this probably wasn’t our destination, he gave us some confusion directions to the Visitor Centre which had been our goal. Between the three of us and over the span of ten minutes, we finally gathered his pointing and headed in the opposite direction.

The Cultural Heritage Centre wasn’t the prettiest building on the outside but it had a pretty comprehensive (if small) exhibit. Generally I avoid going to these centres when I travel because I feel they don’t offer many good photography moments. On the other hand, this one did a good job of explaining why Hiraizumi got chosen as a World Heritage Site (and not because of the 2011 earthquake, contrary to Pauline’s theory). There were quite a few pictures and accounts of the “Kyoto of the North” that was the brainchild of an overly optimistic buddhist clan called Fujiwara who thought they could create a centre of learning and the arts square in the middle of the warring states era. Apparently all that gold they found nearby and their reluctance to swear fealty to any of the neighbouring warlords isn’t the best combination for starting a pious Switzerland in terrain that’s easily traversed by armies.

Apparently the Minamoto invaders were so distraught over the ruination of the beautiful Pure Lands that they vowed to protect the city and try to keep its splendor alive. That the Heritage sites are two reconstructed gardens and two ruined ones gives a good idea over how concerned they really were.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

So happy!

The two workers at the front desk informed us (in basic Japanese that I could understand despite Pauline’s uncertainty) that the rear of the Cultural Heritage Centre had several interactive displays. Kait and Pauline dressed up in the bureaucratic robes of old timey Hiraizumi officials. Pauline dressed up as a boy because it’s better (obviously) and Kait fulfilled a lifelong dream of wearing a costume kimono. Then, they clambered inside an old carriage, tried a weird instrument that looked like an upside down circular pan flute and even attempted some weaving. I mostly stood on my blistered feet trying to forget how hungry I was.

By the time we finished at the Centre, Kait checked her watch just in time to start panicking about our schedule. The original plan was to take the scenic stroll along the walking path back to the station so we could grab some bicycles and head to the temple outside of town. However, the bike ride itself was about an hour to get there and we only had a little over two hours to see two major temples still in the main city. Thus, she charged us past the restaurants yet again as we headed to the furthest flung Chuuson-ji. We couldn’t cut this place out, however, as it was pretty much the only authentic still standing collection of buildings left from the ancient glory days.

And it was clearly the main attraction as tour buses lined the suddenly wide street and packs of people meandered up the wide flagged stone walkway. We debated where we should enter–whether through the old torii gate marked on the map or the very lovely manicured pathway winding its way up the hill and choked with visitors. We opted for the pathway mostly due to proximity and a fleeting hope that we could still see everything.

The path up to Chuuson-ji was very nice. Enormously tall Japanese cedars lined the route and blocked out the rusted town that surrounded it. Numerous small shrines and viewing areas branched off the side (as well as the main entrance we noted with chagrin). Despite the number of people, everything was orderly and clean. Even old stone roofing lay neatly and free of leaves in piles off the path. Kait paused at all the small shrines so she could pray–as she is want to do. And as we got to the temple complex proper, we found small covered stalls with enormous flowers (apparently chrysanthemums), manicured bonzai trees, and large shield shaped flower garlands. Apparently, we were on the tail end of a seasonal festival and though we missed the stall food, we could still enjoy everything submitted for the competitions.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.Unfortunately, we ran into the large Chinese tourist group and I had to fight to get some decent pictures of the newer temple buildings that weren’t swarming with strangers. We sort of meandered through the complex, looking for the fabled gilded hall. After a few false starts, we found a rather severe concrete structure selling tickets. We managed to parse that it was both a ticket office and museum. But we were on a schedule and skipped the museum to follow the picket fence to where the famous gilded hall lay.

Much to our disappoint, the great treasure of Hiraizumi–Konjiki-do–was housed in a very plain cement box of a structure. Many “No Photo” signs were hung about, irritating me to no end. This was one of the original 1100 structures and was a gold leafed mausoleum that housed the remains of the Fujiwara elders. We showed our tickets then slipped behind the wall of people ogling the travesty.

First, when I think hall, I picture a structure you could actually stand in. Granted, I’m probably much taller than the monks bobbing around in the twelfth century, but there would be no way I could enter this thing with a modicum of dignity. You’d have to shuffle around on your knees, careful to not bang your head on the golden tie beams and dent over a million dollars worth of damage. It’s also packed full of squat statues on a raised dais, presumably some sort of representation for the bodies I can only presume are all shoved Tetris-like beneath their feet.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.Oh, and all this is kept under poor lighting and behind an inch of glass. Needless to say, I couldn’t find a good angle to steal some photographs of the bashful golden dead though Kait bravely found a spot and took her first illicit photo! I’m so proud of her.

We filed out of the small cement box and moved to the sutra repository–a wood relic that has been stripped of any valuables but at least the logs are old! The old shrine that housed the mausoleum was open and we poked around inside its empty hall, marvelling at the weird stickers that have a habit of accumulating in Japanese temples and trying to appreciate the old paintings hanging on the walls while our fingers grew cold in the lengthening day.

By this time we’d resolved ourselves to just one more site, so we spent a little time poking around for the outdoor Noh stage and even taking a minute to whirlwind through the museum and its handful of random items.

We gave up on the walking path and booked it as fast as our sore, worn feet could to Moutsuu-ji. This was the site of one of the four gardens of Pure Land Hiraizumi and was one that was reconstructed. Though, I feel they used the term lightly. We arrived forty minutes before closing so the place was pretty empty when we entered. The sky was beginning to darken with the first hints of encroaching night. My batteries had died up at Chuuson-ji, so I spent the first while trying to find some that worked. Once again, the perks of Kait’s new camera ensured that we had lots of pictures of samey looking temples despite me being out of service.

Moutsuu-ji is only about a quarter of its original size. Little remains of its layout, with the main hall and two ancillary halls situated around the garden. I won’t confess to having any clue about the design or intentions of buddhist gardening, which is a simple confession to make since even Japanese scholars don’t fully understand what inspired Moutsuu-ji’s… unique design. The main feature of the grounds is a large, gangly pond with a tiny peninsula jutting up from its southern bank and about four rocks clustered in a small shoal on its left side. A few trees poke around its perimeter but judging how they burst from the old stone pathways, I doubt they were an original feature.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.Otherwise Moutsuu-ji is a collection of a dozen empty plots with white markers listing what once stood there. You really have to stretch your imagination to picture what the place was. It’s much like the first empty hall we visited. It’s basically Rome all over again. Whatever rich heritage was here has long given up to the earth and grass. However, unlike Rome, it’s clear that the inhabitants would have loved to keep their old buildings. The recurring story amongst the signs I could read told of careless fires or structures being destroyed during periods of conflict. Decade by decade, Hiraizumi was picked down to its barest bones. The one bright spot is that the Japanese are not adverse to reconstructions–and they usually adhere to traditional design and building methods when they do them. Perhaps, one day, Hiraizumi will arise like the phoenix from its muddy ashes but as it is now, you have to squint really hard to overlay the artistic renditions over the gaping spaces scattered about the town.

The peace and tranquility, however, inspired us to write our own haiku with each of us contributing a solitary line:

 

Ducking mosquitoes,

you need seven syllables,

overhead the clouds break.

 

I think it puts Basho to shame.

After completing our circuit of Moutsuu-ji, it was time to head back home. By now, having near nothing to eat, I was ravenous and tired. While the girls once again tried to sort tickets for our train (assisted by a very helpful young Japanese man who kindly took charge of speaking with the ticket office to figure out our lines), I snacked on what little food Kait had brought with us. I also nursed the small package of Halloween Smarties gifted by Pauline who only upon arriving in Japan realized how poor an idea of loading up a bunch of children with sugar would be. By the time we had our route sorted, night was fully upon us and we shivered at the train platform.

Pauline and Kait rudely sat on the old, pregnant disabled seats while I properly clutched at the handrail until we made our transfer in Ichinosaki. We boarded a tiny two car seat filled to the brim with high school students (don’t ask me what they were doing all Saturday in their uniforms because it was probably boring) but kept piping warm with the heaters right beneath our butts. We saw only one person in costume board and it was a young guy sporting a half decent Baron Samedi type outfit which we all tried to admire without staring.

Though the snacks had staved off my hungry, I was getting really grumpy by the time we rolled into Sendai. Unfortunately, Pauline was dead set on going to this fabulous little eatery in Izumi that she neglected to mention was a forty minute walk from the train station. As we prowled the dark streets, passing one restaurant after another and listening to Pauline prattle on about how Germany invented daylight saving time to save oil during World War II (they didn’t if you were considering fact checking), I was told repeatedly that the restaurant was “just a little farther.”

I could tell Kait was even getting annoyed when she started commenting on random noodle places as looking good. This is the girl who confessed to having survived on yaki-soba for her first two months. We finally came to an Indian restaurant completely empty of customers. The owner greeted us first in Japanese then in English. He was more than happy to serve us directly and mentioned how glad he was to see Pauline returning. Kait ended up taking a cowardly level three of spice in her order. I had to ask how spicy level five was and was told that it was Japanese hot. My expression must have said everything since he followed-up that they offer up to level fifteen off the menu. I don’t know why, but I elected to go with twelve.

I found mine rather mild so I can only imagine how plain Kait’s was. She was even emboldened enough to try my curry and, while hotter than she’d prefer, she said she would order hotter if we returned. All three of us got an enormous piece of naan to eat with our dishes (I had chicken) and, overall, it was both a filling and (relatively) tasty meal and also made me suspect that Pauline wasn’t vegetarian.

Once done, my feet were past protesting and nearing outright rebellion as we had to double back the entire distance to return home. Pauline filled that space with a story of Japan’s rice famine that required America to step in and force them to stop exporting all their rice so they could feed their own population (I couldn’t even narrow this down at all in the history books to figure out what she meant to describe). Kait and I walked in mostly silence. By the time we waved her goodbye and arrived back in Kait’s tiny apartment, I had enough energy to peel my stinky shoes off and pass out in bed.

My feet were going to really be suffering in the morning.

Pauline Pearl – Sou sou sou means shut up.

I Love You sou Shut Up Part 1

Hold the phone, people! I’ve got some exciting news! Kait and I made the most astounding, unexpected discovery.

We’ve found the Japanese Rome.

Let me take you on a journey. It all begins on October 31st, otherwise known as All Hallow’s Eve. For most, this day involves candlelit pumpkins, elaborate and often morbid costumes as well as copious amounts of sugar as though our society sorely needs a critical mass of Type 1 diabetes. There’s probably discussion of ghouls, goblins and the like. I had something far more terrifying.

I had an early six o’clock wake up.

You see, after Kait took me to see Yama-dera, reserved the fabled Loople Bus for Tuesday and planned a jaunt to Matsushima for the next weekend, we’d all but exhausted the delights and wonders of Miyagi-ken: Kait’s home prefecture. Thus, we were headed north to Iwate prefecture. This place may or may not ring any bells for it was the centre of the 9.0 scale earthquake of 2011 that devastated Japan. Needless to say, Iwate was the prefecture hardest hit, damaging nearly all the prefecture’s piers and fishing boats and inflicting more than three hundred yen worth of damage to the area’s primary industry: fishing.

To put any early concerns at ease, however, we were not planning on spending any time near the ocean. This little historical tidbit simply helps explain the numerous “flee tsunamis and rising waters” signs scattered throughout the city’s boundaries.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This trip to Hiraizumi was special for several reasons. For one, this was Kait’s first really planned trip. The sojourn out to Yama-dera was mostly her following a previous itinerary she did with several other ALTs. Secondly, we’d have to navigate the JR rail lines instead of relying on local trains and routes. Third, we were seeing a UNESCO World Heritage Site which are always a prime attraction for my travelling. Finally, we would not be travelling alone; Kait (after much apologizing) had invited the other ALT posted in Izumi-chuo along for the adventure.

So, even though we were at the subway in good time, Kait checked her phone to politely inform me that Pauline was running late. Oh, and we only had ten minutes to get to the station, buy our ticket and find the platform from where the train actually left.

Have I mentioned that none of us really speak Japanese? We most certainly do not read kanji. Furthermore, since we were leaving the prefecture, there weren’t many trains available for us to complete this day trip and we had a tight schedule for catching the last train back to Sendai and about twenty sites that Kait wanted to see in that incredibly narrow window.

So, of course the first thing we did when we got off the subway–which Pauline loudly talked on the entire trip down–was hustle over to Tourist Information and plead with them to help us find which ticket booth we needed to buy our ticket. Pauline and Kait then stared at the massive map and poked at buttons on the screen trying to decipher the kanji coded contraption while I read through a pamphlet of places to see in the area when we inevitably missed our ride and the whole adventure fell through.

The girls managed to procure our passes and we wandered the upper floor until Kait braved speaking to one of the employees who directed us to the gate we needed. We were almost running through the ticket stiles and up the platform steps to our train. Luckily, we made it with minutes to spare. We found our car and seats (as these were reserved tickets) and then marvelled as several old women kept poking their heads in to snap pictures of the train’s interior.

Well, at the very least we knew we were travelling with other tourists!

Apparently it’s a thing to photograph trains in Japan. You know how it is. Some travellers take shots of their shoes. Some have group shots of them jumping in the air. I’ve got Kait taking “selfies” without those sticks to hold up your camera because, damnit, we were doing this before it was cool! And most photograph the internationally famous sites. Well, I guess in Japan they like to record their trains. Maybe it is their way to prove that they were there without needing to put their faces in the frame. I can’t really think of any other explanation for the four or five people that piled out of our train in Hiraizumi to snap hasty pictures of the vehicle before it tried rolling away without people recording its bad side.

Of course, by the time we’d arrived in Hiraizumi, at least an hour had passed so the girls needed to use the bathroom. We slipped through the small station, accosted by smiling old Japanese handing out little plastic bags of goodies. Unfortunately, our Halloween fare wasn’t sugar candy but information pertaining to the various sites and history of the Pure Land of the North.

That may or may not be the official name. It’s probably going to be the one I use because I’m not too concerned about using a misnomer for a city that’s been dead for over five hundred years.

My first impression of Hiraizumi, I must confess, was rather positive. Though the aforementioned station was small, it was clean and had wide polished benches that were clearly a recent instalment. The square outside the station was surprisingly good looking. I’ve seen my fair share of small Japanese towns and you’re lucky if there’s anything more scenic than a great smear of asphalt when you first arrive. Hiraizumi, however, had a small cul-de-sac lined with clean cobblestones before the awnings of traditional Japanese architectural store fronts. A backdrop of pine crested hills rose at the end of an expansive main street shooting straight from the front doors like an arrow right into the heart of wild, untamed wilderness.

So while the clouds overhead were dark and the air crisp, I waited pleasantly outside as the two girls did their business. It was then that a large mass of foreigners passed me, following like dutiful lemmings a woman dressed in a neatly pressed uniform. It took all of seconds to gauge that this flock had landed from China. I thought this was a little odd. How many organized tours could there really be for northern Japan? I know if I had to take a bus tour, it wouldn’t be through Iwate prefecture. But these visitors piled into their massive tour bus and nearly ran over the girls as they emerged to poke around the small bike rental shop for directions and confirmation if we could take vehicles on the route clearly marked “walking path” on our maps.

Surprise! You can’t. However, we were given rough time estimates it would take to walk the main route of attractions in Hiraizumi and we’d certainly enough time to see them all and still be back for our four twenty departure. Yes, we had about five hours to take in an entire town’s worth of sites. What could possibly go wrong?

Kait and Pauline looked over the map and Kait designated the route we should take. Naturally, we all headed down the wrong street.

We didn’t know this at first, of course. We did start to get suspicious as we scampered over rail crossings into a rundown portion of town with shuttered stores, droopy workshops and the general air of decrepit misfortune. It’s starting to sound like Europe’s jolly boot already!

We doubled back and crossed a few streets to arrive at the first stop on our route (which coincidentally is the last stop on the shuttle bus). We stood before an empty field, looking over our map to ensure we were in the right place then looking around the field and wondering if maybe the site was behind the small copse of trees or not. Fortunately, we found a sign and shuffled up like ignorant little tourists to get further directions.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

So picturesque!

Turns out the muddy field was our destination. We looked at it again. We looked back at the sign. Sure enough, the World Heritage plaque was set proudly on the top. And the sign sported a lovely summer shot of our currently brown and dreary field. Course, since it is a UNESCO site, the information sign had an English section to explain why we should care about a handful of scraggly trees and drying puddle.

Apparently, we were proudly surveying the “remains” of the Buddha Hall in a historically famous temple grounds. The aforementioned hall was renown for the beauty of its surrounding park which contained a sacred garden pond (our mud puddle), a man-made island modelled after the Phoenix Hall in Kyoto (our bumpy hill) and raised earthworks that aligned with the sun and local mountain (our scraggly tree clump).

If you squint hard enough, you may even convince yourself that it’s not a glorified rice paddy!

Alright, at least Rome had some wonderful walls and foundation ruins to look at. I suppose that’s the perk of ancient construction favouring stone in Europe over the predominant wood structures of this Buddhist paradise. We took several more pictures now that we knew this brown patch of grass is important or something. We walked along the raised earthen walkway. We marvelled at how unmarvellous the trees were.

Then we turned around and immediately trudged up the street into wonderful constructions. Kait was dead set on seeing some monument at the top of a really long hill. Pauline got discouraged by the three dollar entrance fee so she opted to stay on the old bench across from the ticket booth manned by an old monk.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

Kait loves her men in strange boxes.

I kind of expected a bit more of the monument, especially after noticing the parking lot for tourist buses. There was a museum in the same sense that the top of Mt. Fuji has a shopping centre. A structure that would normally be used for an outhouse had some distressing statues and a few placards and the ubiquitous vending machines and nothing else. The monument was a mini shrine with a small board for writing wishes. I don’t even know what it was commemorating. Apparently some dead dude called Minamoto no Yoshitsune I think. Or something about family suicides. At least the view of the river valley was quaint. And there was another stone slab with Basho’s poetry written on it!

I think Kait mostly wanted a break from Pauline.

The first time I came to Japan, I reflected that the ALT position attracted certain types of people. Pauline seems like one of those individuals who falls into the “loves Japan perhaps a bit too much” camp. This can be tolerable even if said individual takes every opportunity to share every bit of information about Japan they’ve learned. It’s a little harder to swallow, however, when you can tell the person is just making shit up.

I feel the biggest issue with Pauline is that she’s just young. Hm, that’s perhaps a strong way to word things. Let’s rephrase. Pauline has a very obvious desire to impress others. This leads to her overemphasising her capabilities or her perceived capabilities. For example, Pauline is very quick to tell people that she’s studied Japanese in school and is very good at speaking it. She’ll then turn around and make declarations like “Anata-wa” means “I love you.”

For those not knowledgeable about Japanese, “anata-wa” literally means “you.” Like, that’s what you’d say (if you wanted to be polite) if you were going to make clear your statement was directed at the person to which you are talking. That’s it. This little detail would take all of five seconds to pick up and is a pretty basic grammar point that’s probably taught within the first few beginner Japanese classes.

Now, I have lived in Japan and can probably guess what Pauline meant to say. The Japanese language has a tendency to drop the subject of sentences if it’s clear so you don’t normally say “I will X,” “You should Y,” “We will Z.” You basically just say whatever it is the person is going to do. Direct translations would be in the realm of “Will study tonight.” So, it is being overly formal to use “You” in Japanese and, amongst people that are familiar with each other, it can have certain amiable connotations.

That said, Kait hears “anata-wa” in school all the time and we’re both pretty certain that her Japanese English Teacher isn’t professing his undying affection to her. I suppose it’s not impossible that he’s really hopeful Kait has a preference for older men, though.

So, while we explored the rather limited sidewalks of Hiraizumi, we were regaled with wonderful little “Pauline Pearls.” These ranged from bizarre history to descrptions of her friends in Calgary. Which, once again, wouldn’t be such a terrible offence if it wasn’t phrased in such a way to extol just how much better Pauline is than us rather maudlin peasant. Like, she will go to great lengths to describe her friend who is an Olympic speed walker while completely missing an innocent joke about how it doesn’t matter how big her thighs are since she can’t lift her feet to run after you. (“No, her legs are pretty big so she can run fast too!”).

At any rate, Kait unrolled her map and we trudged to the next marker. We had to scamper around even more construction, dodging cars as we ran from one side of the road to the other like tourist frogger. I’m not entirely sure what this stop was for, as the sign was in kanji and well beyond all our capabilities. There was a very red tree to which the girls were quick to photograph. Pauline had plotted our path while we visited the hilltop and she marched us across the railroad tracks to the thickest knot of restaurants.

But despite her clear intentions, Kait wasn’t having any of this lunch nonsense. “We’ll do it after we’ve seen the temples!” she declared, taking the lead again and force marching us around Hiraizumi’s hilly streets. We ended up looping around the back of the Golden Cockerel Mountain. I was excited for this one because it had a UNESCO designation.

My photo. Copyright me. Belongs to me. No steal plz.

The summit of mighty Golden Cockerel Mountain!

Well, it turns out that Golden Cockerel Mountain is neither golden nor a mountain. It isn’t even a shrine, despite the svastika symbol. It’s mostly a dirt trail that climbs up a short but steep incline into a forested hilltop. It starts off promising with a bright vermilion torii gate (across the street from some weird blue honeycomb trailer park that doesn’t even have trailers) and a paved leaf littered trail that snakes around a small shrine for two moss covered statuettes. But it quickly leads to empty meadows and disappointment. The view from the top is too tree-lined to give you a scenic vantage point and the only thing of note we could find was a small stone “house” even less remarkable than the entrance statues.

As it turns out, the mountain is most famous as being the alleged location of a buried golden cockerel and hen pair that was meant to protect ancient Hiraizumi from tragedy. Given the state of the modern town, I hazard there were probably better ways to spend that money. At the very least they could have locked the treasures behind some glass and charged ancient entrance fees from old timey tourists. As it stands, it’s going to be a hard sell to charge tickets to this venue.

So far it’s been Japan Rome: 3 and Us: 0.

The Importance of Being Ernst

So we had some technical difficulties and some unfortunate lockouts. I think it’s been cleared up now. Hopefully? I can post at least so here’s something to make up for the extraordinary silence.

*  *  *

Sam Smith’s airy opening title card for SPECTRE probably reveals more than the producers ever wanted to admit. His spectral voice warbles over “giving everything up,” “being here before,” and perhaps most importantly, “I’m suffocating.” Overlaying his breathless gasps we see an impossibly omnipresent black octopus extending its multitudinous dark tentacles to choke everything that appears on the screen.

Accessed from https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/c3/Spectre_poster.jpg/220px-Spectre_poster.jpg

SPECTRE and James Bond belongs to Eon Productions, Iam Fleming, Sam Mendes and such.

Eon, you are that octopus. And you’re killing me.

By now anyone that will see the new James Bond has already. Unfortunately, Japan was not blessed with a worldwide release so I’m late to the party. However, it awarded me an enviable advantage that everyone else had not. I was prepared, nay–braced for SPECTRE. I knew this was a sinking ship. This was more Quantum than Casino and with my expectations dragging on the floor–sticking behind with its many suction cups hoping to not have to face the monstrosity–I settled in my seat with a half and half bin of regular and caramel popcorn.

I’m not a popcorn person but I have to say, what few handfuls I wrestled from Kait’s grip was probably the highlight of the evening for me. I wouldn’t think that caramel on popcorn would be all that great–and truthfully, I couldn’t eat an entire bin of it–but that sweetness mixed with the salt of the other half was just divine.

Bond, by the way, does not balance its duality with such sublime perfection. It’s meandering. It’s insipid. More than anything, it’s just boring. It’s a failure on nearly every front with even the remarkable result of presenting Christoph Waltz in an unentertaining role. He tried, I think. Insofar as anyone seemed to try. But while I could tell the production was earnest about this Bond product, they seemed like the only ones. Every actor plastered on the screen looked bored. They sounded bored. And their lethargic struggles were matched with stifled yawns from the audience.

I’m sorry, dear Bond, but I’m afraid the writing’s on the wall.

I feel that Sam Mendes has proven his point. Bond is an ancient relic. He’s a dinosaur dragged up from a time long since left in the dust. He’s brushed off, given a clean suit and dapper haircut, then sent stumbling and flailing into a world where he wholly does not belong. And I can’t shake the feeling that the director and writers know this.

Skyfall and SPECTRE are very keen to point out that how we conceive of Bond is an unwieldy, inelegant, almost grotesque tool. Who knew that Judi Dench’s speech would be so important when she addressed the internal review committee over the appropriateness of MI6 and it’s antiquated tradition in face of progress and change. Unfortunately for M, Tennyson and Mendes, it seems that the strength of tradition does have its failings. Skyfall and SPECTRE are the old Imperialist trying desperately to maintain his relevance and, ultimately, failing to do so.

You’ve moved heaven and earth, Bond, but it’s time for us to pause and consider what you truly are.

And from your greatest supporters, it seems you are that which you most feared.

 

There is no point in dissecting SPECTRE. There isn’t a single part of it that works. The scene between Bond and Monica Bellucci continues the creepy predatory nature that Craig’s Bond has exhibited towards his sexual exploits. The explosion of the secret desert base–itself mired in the worst ridiculousness of the golden age of Bond’s silliness–utterly shatters any suspension of disbelief. There’s no spy work involved, just a haphazard breadcrumb trail which isn’t exciting or even internally consistent (Mr. White sends Bond to his daughter and puts her in direct danger when he could have simply sent Bond to the hotel and protected his daughter from SPECTRE finding her which was his whole motivation in the first place). Why are we even trying to add moral depth to this throw-away henchman in the first place when everyone else is presented so shallow? It’s so bad that the hilariously cliched and ludicrous re-introduction of Blofeld doesn’t even cause anyone to blink their eyes while Waltz makes cuckoo noises while explaining their familial past.

Which, by the way, are we to assume that Bond suffers amnesia for not recognizing the name and picture of the man that was his younger brother after his parents died or is Bond just that much of an asshole to not even try and remember the people that rescued him?

But, for me, the worst offence is the desperate attempts by the creative team to constantly try and remould MI6 into the common man versus the oppressiveness of bureaucracy and government. Wake up, Eon, Bond is the government. He is that long, secretive arm sheltered from public scrutiny and oversight. Your whole character and even Judi Dench’s entire argument was that MI6, Bond and the entire cast are the antithesis of what democracy is. So don’t try and patronize us with Fiennes’ hilarious championing of democracy all the while he peers over the shoulders of voters to undermine the casting of secret ballots. Seriously, an intelligence committee agrees to have a vote with people seated right behind them? Why bother with the screens and the “9 vs 1” and simply have a show of hands for all the point that anonymity was meant to be.

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It’s also rich that Fiennes is battling Andrew Scott’s Big Brother program giving the invasion of privacy that MI6 has utilized in the past.

I’m sorry, but no one is going to be sympathetic to the dismantling of a rather legally dubious covert operations branch. You want to know why Bourne resonates better with modern audiences, take a look at who the villain is. It’s American’s version of MI6 and the conclusion of that trilogy was with the protagonists dragging its masterminds before a public inquiry and holding them accountable for actions performed without democratic discretion. So spare me the moralistic bullshit. Bond has never been democratic and your best character (Judy Dench) adamantly argued against it.

But it’s as you’ve already said, Eon, MI6 is an antiquated relic of a bygone era. The Empire has crumbled. And in the times we face now, it’s all the more appropriate we draw the lens across the organizations, drag them out into the light and evaluate them on their merits and weaknesses.

And even the movies can’t justify their existence. But how could they?

If Bond is to survive, it’s going to have to change. That was the point of Casino Royale. It’s shocking how badly Eon Productions have completely missed their own point. The audiences were tired of all that old, goofy Bond baggage. We didn’t want stupid gadgets, ludicrous villains, two dimensional supports and outlandish patriotic chest pounding. Take a look at Casino Royale. Take a good, long look. What do you see? Bond is a psychopathic monster being wielded by an uncaring, hard hand interested solely in the mission. There’s no love in Royale’s MI6. But M is looking for results. She doesn’t care about those showy bomb-men. She wants the financiers of terrorism. Casino Royale is about trying to catch that white collar criminal. It’s weakest points were when it was coyly toying with those SPECTRE tentacles. It’s strengths were when a desperate banker was fending off a brutal African warlord looking for his money so he can continue his wars with countries the civilized world simply can’t be bothered with concern. It was an indictment of Western aloofness by peeling bare the weaknesses of our own perspective.

But when faced with its own shortcomings, the series turned back and fled into the open arms of its past. It enthusiastically clung to its traditions–the very traditions that ring so hollow and empty to an audience that holds no loyalty to outdated and harmful ideals.

It’s sad that after one of the strongest reboots for a franchise over fifty three years old, we need another reboot after just four movies. But you had your chance, Craig, and you’ve come up wanting.

Honestly, what I’d like to see is a complete remake of the whole franchise. Bond can’t be the star. There’s only so many ways we can dress up a tool that’s long become obsolete. At this point, we’re staring at a franchise whose entire identity is based on misogynistic imperialism. The efforts to update while still keeping to the core identity has been an exercise in futility. The Bond girls have never evolved into anything of value. Even in these more intensive character pieces which Craig’s Bonds have languished in, the supporting cast hasn’t been any more complex. The action beats are flat and undermine any point the movie tries to make about it’s covert branch that is anything but given the number of international incidents its titular character keeps cocking up.

So what’s my idea?

Retire Bond. I say this as a Bond fan who’s watched and owned (almost) all the movies. There’s nothing here anymore. It’s just a desperate man up to his neck still digging madly his hole. Retire and rebrand. Put the franchise through a transformation. Instead of relying solely on a character which has been thoroughly explored every imaginable direction, focus on the organization. Call this series MI6. Let’s have explorations of the other double O agents. Thus we don’t need to keep making ever sillier personal investments for a man that’s long past the point of believability. Elsewise, who will Bond have to face off in the next installment? His long lost child he didn’t even know he had (Oh God, I’m probably giving Eon ideas now).

Personally, I’d also like to have a greater examination of the issues we face today. Instead of trying to make MI6 the plucky underdog that has to struggle against its own government, let’s use it as a vehicle to explore those political ideals that we wish to criticize. Can you imagine how powerful a movie following an MI6 agent who has to heed the directives of an overly conservative or oppressive British parliament would be? It would raise some really interesting questions and lead to a more complex perspective of these secret agents who, theoretically, shouldn’t question their directives even if they didn’t agree with the goals of the ones issuing them.

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We can also start looking into more interesting conflicts than Bond vs Sunday morning cartoon villain of the week.

Taking into account these ideas, here’s my rough, short synopsis for what I would have done instead of SPECTRE:

Below the Thunders (or some other reference to Tennyson’s The Kraken)

The movie opens to a political rally in Britain where a young man is condemning the current government and it’s misguided and brutish policy to foreign threats. Fabricate some sort of conflict which makes parallels to bombing runs in the Middle East (but to avoid offence, make a fictitious location and conflict). While this activist is using his poetic speech about the dangers and futility of using war to end war, we can have breaks (with the speech still overlaid) to some dark, sandy corridors as Bond stalks the shadows in a black operations outfit. Flip between the two to make clear that Bond is performing a covert operation wherever this political speaker is discussing. As he reaches the climax of his speech, Bond can quietly and expertly take down guards and approach his target. While Bond sneaks up to his mark (possibly ignorant of his approach as he’s on some radio communications device), we can have the perspective of the rally shift to a person pushing aggressively towards the front of the mob. The politician can evoke a Franklin quote (“He who sacrifices freedom for security deserves neither and loses both.”) or the like. The stranger at the rally reveals himself to be a suicide bomber, instilling panic just as Bond creeps to point blank range on his target. The bomber throws off his coat and reaches for a button. Cut to a finger pulling a trigger and an impossible explosion firing from the gun’s barrel right into the title music video.

Bond would return from his mission, learning of the terror attack that killed the political activist. He’s called into a meeting with M and Blofeld who is revealed to be the Minister of Whatever. And yes, I’m not going to play coy with the audience, let those who know Blofeld make the immediate connection. We’re not playing him as a super villain here. M explains that Blofeld’s operatives suspect that a terrorist organization seeking a radical, free nation from India is behind the attack. More importantly, Blofeld’s intelligence suggests that these radicals are in the market for something called “red mercury” that has a greater potency than a nuclear warhead. Bond is sent to investigate. To assist him, he has a young spy (not double O classified) to assist him that’s been working the area. He also crosses paths with a woman that turns out to be working for the United Nations (or the Indian Government) to investigate the radical group and the dangers it and this red mercury poses. This woman can be obviously Muslim and condemn the actions of this minority as well as serve as essentially a Bond girl that doesn’t end up sleeping with the character.

Investigating the issue can turn up uncomfortable truths about Blofeld and Britain’s meddling in Indian affairs, perhaps leading all the way back to issues that arose from England’s Imperialistic days. From there, Bond learns information that Blofeld has been feeding members of the organization information to direct their attacks against political dissidents and members that threaten the current government’s directions. With increasing attacks on the European Union, it’s clear that Blofeld and his associates in supporting countries are hoping for tighter regulations over its populace that will better enable them to maintain political hegemony within their elected seats. Bond, being the dutiful agent, seeks to hide this information from the UN as it would be a huge diplomatic issue for Britain and the allies implicated. His younger agent colleague, however, is more idealistic and would rather expose the “crimes” committed by the government.

When the young agent realizes that Bond is going to take out the leadership of this fringe group and destroy the evidence, he confronts him that he’s only repeating the same crimes that allowed this group to arise in the first place. Bond, sensing that this agent is going to defect, attempts to eliminate him. The agent escapes and intercepts the “red mercury” they’ve been tracking. As Bond gives chase, the agent declares that he’ll get the truth out no matter the cost. Can have the explodapolooza showdown in the radical’s base (and have the primary characters all collected there for whatever reasons). Bond works with the UN girl for the operation but during its execution gets separated from her as he confronts the rogue agent. Can have some speech as he tries to detonate the red mercury in defiance. There is no explosion, however, and Bond executes him for being a traitor. He takes the information from his body. As the girl arrives, she can remark about the seeming miracle that the red mercury didn’t work. Bond will say that it did and hand the information to the girl. She’ll ask what it is and he’ll simply say that she didn’t get it from him.

The conclusion can be a discussion between M and Bond and explain how red mercury was an old war trick used to make enemy spies run in circles over a fictitious substance. Blofeld, not being a spy and the young agent too young to know those old tricks, were unaware that it wasn’t real and typically used to “smoke out” agents. M can admonish Bond not being able to stop the information from leaking even if both men seem unperturbed about the issues it’s now caused for their administration. As Bond is leaving, M can remind him that their job is to serve regardless of who is in power and they should be careful of their actions lest they make monsters of their masters. Bond can make some remark that everything they do is of course for Queen and country.

Like I said, this is rough and short. Eon, if you want something better and fleshed out, I’ll be more than happy to arrange a date to expand on things.